Saturday, May 28, 2016

Lost Time

What gets me is that once I have been sent on a tangent, it takes me longer to come down from it than the ones who initially sent me into it.  It’s not worth it, you’d think, but what about if your mind and emotion won’t shut it down.  That’s me, living in hell again and being the only one to suffer from the lost time, time that I can’t get back.

My trouble seems to be communication and depression mainly, as well as anxiety.  Really tired of going through it.  What is Progressive multiple sclerosis?   Things just seem to keep getting worst for me.  I try my best to be “ in the game” but at the same time I'm fully aware but I'm not able to be the same participant but I used to be and it's so stressful not being able to be the person that I am.

It's not that I'm lazy.   I'm far from that.  If anything I'm an overachiever.   The problem is that I underachieve on so many things since MS has gotten worst for me. Using the example of what if I did not have legs ( I can honestly say that because at one time my legs did not work and there is no guarantee that they always will work so when I say what if my legs did not work, I’m speaking from a familiar place)  but I am still expected to walk up the street. With me sitting on the side of the road being an indication of my “laziness”, is there any way that I could go and walk up the street for someone else if I did not have legs to even do so for myself? This is the problem that I'm in; this situation that I am I have no ability to do anything with and yet nobody seems to understand that. I feel like my time here is Lost Time because I can’t get it back and I can’t ever have it again; a chance to be accepted and understood.  MS sucks.

Distress Under Fire

I get overwhelmed very easily.   Once I'm in a frantic state of thinking, it's best for me just to walk away from whatever situation if it all I can when I feel like I can't get out of the situation. I understand that I just drift off into my mind into my mood space, into solitude I can prevent the worst from happening.  


This is typical, but I hate that it affects me so much. I’m trying to spread awareness, but when it happens to me it’s really hard for those around me to relate to the information provided:

Recognition and testing

Early recognition, assessment and treatment are important because cognitive changes — along with fatigue — can significantly affect a person’s quality of life and are the primary cause of early departure from the workforce. The first signs of cognitive dysfunction may be subtle — noticed first by the person with MS or by a family member or colleague.
  • Difficulty finding the right words
  • Trouble remembering what to do on the job or during daily routines at home
  • Difficulty making decisions or showing poor judgment
  • Difficulty keeping up with tasks or conversations
Talk to your physician if you are concerned about cognitive dysfunction. A specially trained health professional (neuropsychologist, speech/ language pathologist or occupational therapist) will administer a battery of tests and careful evaluation in order to determine the cause(s) of changes (since cognitive function can also be affected by aging or medications, as well as depression, anxiety, stress and fatigue). (info from http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Symptoms-Diagnosis/MS-Symptoms/Cognitive-Changes
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On this 9th day of my #45DayRawFoodDietChallenge, part of the difficulty for me has been remembering how to get the meals together. It’s easy, right?  No cooking involved?  WRONG.  IT’S VERY DIFFICULT AND CONFUSING FOR ANYONE, but for a MS patient it feels like the worst thing in the world. This “fog” makes me just not be able to do things, like even providing meals. I can just stick something in my mouth but for other people to depend on me, this is really difficult.  I can’t decide on things which means planning which means I can’t do it.  I can do it, but it’s taking me forever in between just having to zone out.  I want to succeed in this challenge and in life, it’s just that having people to depend on me is hard.  I’m not always reliable and that hurts.  It hurts to not possibly complete a task due to the stress of having to interact with others in order to do something. What have I signed up for?

"Not as sharp as you used to be? You’re not alone. An estimated 60% of people with MS experience some sort of cognitive dysfunction in their lifetime. It might become harder to remember things, to concentrate or to plan and organize. And just like physical symptoms in MS, no two people experience these cognitive dysfunctions the same way" http://www.nationalmssociety.org/NationalMSSociety/media/MSNationalFiles/Documents/Momentum_Memory-Loss.pdf


Well, see the issue is not being alone isn't helping my situation. How can I live in this world as an active member of society and in my family not being able to remember things, concentrate or plan and organize? OH, THE DISABILITY INCOME. Ha! That's a joke in itself. I don't want to hear "You're not trying hard enough" or "Oh, it's always something". If I had no legs and couldn't cross the street would it be "Oh, it's always something" or "You're not trying hard enough"? NO! It's because i have an invisible disability and because people can't see it, they assume I shouldn't be frustrated about it or not be frustrated at them for not acknowledging that's what's going on and to cut me slack and not make me feel like crap for not being able to do stuff out of whatever reason my mind won't focus on it. Day 10 should have come with all the answers, that's for sure, and it would have made my life so much easier.
Signed,
I'm hungry, tired, and scared but keeping on this challenge if I can.
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Friday, May 27, 2016

Gifts of the Universe

It's amazing all of the gifts of the universe
I knew today was going to be a really good day so far because I started off with a delicious fruit smoothie with protein.
I feel really good about taking advantage of this diet challenge because it gives me an opportunity to eat healthy with no judgement.
It gives me an opportunity to learn and to grow and to share and to independently take control over at least some aspects of my life
because my husband and I and opportunity to do something as a team
I mean truly we already live as a team we make this world happen for us together as a team
but it means a lot to me to be working on a project to be responsible for others and to be team leaders, and it’s awesome.  I couldn’t do this alone honestly and I’m nervous but The challenge  is to make food, to harvest food, and to eat food with someone it's nothing that I take lightly gifts of the universe.

Even with funding being low we were still able to meet our nutritional needs and pleasure our tastebuds, and that really means alot to me. And then today to top everything off to make it even better I walked into Broadway Smoke Shop and received this beautiful letter from my little sister Amanda accompanied by this beautiful help wallet waiting for me that goes perfectly with my big sized hemp dime bag purse.  Especially since I’m wearing my afro out. I feel amazing! I hope everyone else does, too!
DAY 8- #45DayRawFoodDietChallenge #gratitude #gifts
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Monday, May 23, 2016

Eating Raw Can Help Regulate Blood Pressure #45DayRawFoodDIetChallenge Day 4

Today I went to the grocery store to get veggies and fruit.  It's been a stressful day, DAY 4.  Day 4 came with a lot of dismay about food; what to eat, how to feel full, as well as doubt from the MS community that this can help us.

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I took a blood pressure check today and I wasn't too happy about the results, but was very grateful that this is Day 4 on the right path.  #Gratitude .  I'm thankful GOD placed it on my heart to do this walk for MS Awareness AND Health Awareness because had I not, I may not have been prompted to do the blood pressure check and to do the research for it this soon in the challenge.  God Winks.

Immediatly I found this link https://health.clevelandclinic.org/2014/08/eating-raw-veggies-best-for-blood-pressure/ and I am looking for more.

Also Mallory is no more. Now there's another ( I have her number), but I told her about the broken promise AND the scam from before and she's gonna make note that I'm going through the most and need some understanding from my doctors. I'm in a good place.

I did advise my challenge group that I needed encouragement and I needed them to participate and appreciated them for doing so. I'm happy.  We are all learning how to live healthier.

I do need kitchen equipment to assist me in the raw food diet lifestyle, so please click on the donate links and send a lil something to me, or do so here http://paypal.me/atticalundypr/

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Taking the challenge

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I'm happy about the #45DayRawFoodDietChallenge that I'm hosting.  Food is costly, but it means so much that my husband Rafael, our friends Bri and Chavon, our family Larry and Latreece (and Samantha, the mother of one of our sons) , and friends from all over are involved.

I'm spreading awareness about multiple sclerosis, and also health awareness all across the board.  Some of the MS patients are afraid and I get that, but during the spread of awareness I'm learning how similar I am to some people, so it makes me feel less alone.

So far, this is what I'm posting to people so that they know what I'm spreading awareness.


Walk with me.#supportmsawareness . For my walk I wanted to also#supporthealthawareness. That includes:
#supportcancerawareness
#supportlupusawareness 
#supportkidneydiseaseawareness
#supportdiabetesawareness
#supportfibromyalgaawareness
#supporthighbloodpressureawareness
#supportsicklecellanemiaawareness
#sypportheartdiseaseawareness
#supportanemiaawareness
#Supportendometriosisawareness
#supportobesityawareness
#supportadhdawareness
#supportbipolardisorderawareness
#supportdepressionawareness
And more!
#FOODFORTHOUGHT
#45DAYRAWFOODDIETCHALLENGE


So follow my hashtag and see what I'm doing :) 

On another note my neck and back are killing me.  I'm less aggressive, so I think the gabapentin is out of my system.  I don't really know what my doctor will say about that. My husband is taking good care of me and I've been away from people that would annoy me. <3

Of course, it's not easy eating raw on a small budget.  While I am participating in the challenge, I am also challenged on what I can eat due to cost.  A friend of mine who has MS also says she tries to eat raw as much as possible but unfortunately it's not always affordable. I totally relate to it, so I am asking people to donate to me.  I can teach so much I think because I need this to get better, I think, along with the herbs.  Another MS patient just does not believe that diet can reverse certain conditions such as MS, and I'm convinced that it probably does. I'm happy. At least I have some people doing this with me.  I can't do the green smoothies with the leafs in my blender, so I have to get a better one.  

Monday, May 9, 2016

Stupid Mindracing

Since I quit Gabapentin, I'm feeling still uneasy.  I'm more snappy with people...I really can't help it AND I'm having issues remembering people.  Initially I will pretend to know them so that it's not so awkward but I continuously look for little hints that will reveal who they are to me.  It can be embarrassing.  This is why I prefer for my team to handle it.

Once again we have a stalker.  No...not me and my husband, but one of my team mates.  This is so bothersome, that we have to get restraining orders. The entertainment industry is so filled with people who are violent and it really makes no sense.  We are filled up with words that we are offended by.  I'm doing my best to continue to keep up this blog, but it's really hard sometimes to read my own posts down the road because of all that I go through.

Mind racing is understandable.  Depression is understandable because I miss my family and money is tight at the moment with work slowing down.  I really want to get some natural stuff instead of the pills she gave me if I can't have the regular anxiety meds but I don't have the funds for that either.

I've been taking low dosage of it for a couple of months off and on over the years, here only 100mg , but now I'm kinda stuck in a depression because i'm not medicated.  Not medicated as in this month I took care of all my bills up front so the rest is earn as we go, and things are slow.  I can handle being not medicated, but I can't handle me being snappy on everyone, impatient, aggravated, etc.  I try to hide but people need me, and I understand that. Really I just want to rest but I can't get money if I don't rest.  Any little thing can set me off, so i'm trying hard to hold onto sane.  My baby is going to her 8th grade prom and miscommunication with her other parent has gotten me in a mind race. I asked everyone to be patient with me while I get myself together and I'll handle things towards the end of the month and already one of them has sent me into a panic attack and one has my mind racing and one blatantly does what I ask them not to do and one is definitely insistent that I worry about their issues and not my own and this is not peace for me.  My saving grace has been my faith.  My faith and my hope that people will stop taking for grated that without peace, I get ill.  Ain't that something, smh.

I'm happy to concentrate on my ministry again.  I have my online prayer alter room open if anyone wants to pop in and feel the love.  Sometimes I do, and it reminds me who to pray for since my mind isn't the same as it once was anyway.  I do the best I can do, ya know...and I don't forget my faith.  

Sunday, May 8, 2016

Mothers Day Without Mom

They say you can either like Rick James or Teena Marie; you can't like both. #ILikeRickJames I LOVE Teena Marie, but LIKE is different.

I love a lot of people, actually. Mother's Day reminds me of Love. I used to associate it with Pain, but a lot of wounds have been healed and on this day I love on my mother's grandchildren and great grandchildren. I pray the prayers she would have prayed. My mother was disabled at the end of her life, and Cancer killed her. She was a beautiful woman, as all can see. Some people threw shade on her for living her life the way she wanted to, me included. Like anyone else, she deserved some and didn't deserve some...and either way she was happy. My Karma is what it is and either way I am happy. This is peace.

I don't fret too much when my kids do "them" because we all have this one life on earth to make our mark. I've taught them things they needed to know but ultimately it's their lives. I got to speak to some of our children, others inboxed/texted, and some we love from afar. I never really got a chance to be around my mother or my father due to circumstance, but I know that I'm such a big part of them, I see how this works. I am an essence of their spirit here on earth, sometimes parallel to them and other times further ahead or behind. I've been accused of not making sense but this makes so much sense to me.

My mother thankfully never got to witness this side of me. Had she, I surely thing it would have broken her heart. I'm glad she never knew about how hard my life has been since being diagnosed. To her, I was doing what I was supposed to do and taking care of my children. MS came a few years after she passed away literally, and it's the only way my daughter knows me as. It's so different having mothers' day without mom around.

My mother moved to another state without me, and that is where she died. I hope that's not my fate, because I do want to see my children again and I want to meet my grandson. There's too much stress in Atlanta for me, but I'm not afraid to go there. It's just not the best place for me to be and I'm glad my mother allowed me to stay on my own...because had she not and I had to move where she was, I may not have met Trinity's father and had her. Everything happens for a reason, I know this. I just hope my children find peace in having mothers day without mom should I leave this place. This mothers day was a good practice, actually.

I'll probably say this many times, but happy Mothers Day to mothers everywhere, and if you deserve the shade I throw your way just remember, i'll do it in silence because it is what it is. I Just want this day to be happy <3

#RIPMIKI

Bon Appétit



Very late breakfast for me. Organic White Grape Juice
Organic Avacado
Organic bar
Day 8 no meds
All new health program
A little body pain but no episodes. 
#nongmo #healthiswealth #supportmultiplesclerosisawareness #supportmsawareness


Today I got off to a crazy start.  A dog chased Koche and I ( not fun ) into the house, and 

Multiple Sclerosis Phoenix Healing Center Retreat Program

UPDATE:  THIS WAS A SCAM COME TO FIND OUT :(



After finding out the wonders of cannabis, I wanted to share generously with anyone suffering with MS whose still able-bodied.  I made a post today about the what we've been making plans and ideas about...a Multiple Sclerosis Healing House 'Phoenix" Center. 
"I'm looking for a single female MS patient 21 or older (no couples, no children) who is interested in living in a MS Healing house as a roommate. This retreat is peaceful and we don't want to be distracted by any relationship drama, which is why I say single. Sometimes you are in a position where you can take a break from everyday life, just pay the bare minimum, and live among the pure. That's where we are.
Your retreat includes a Private room and shared bath. All residents are MS patients on disability and are each others emotional support (currently there are two MS patient residents). Its a real Zen enviornment. We are on the way to heal ourselves naturally with organic diets and natural plants and herbs that we can grow ourselves including cannabis as well as exercise, therapy, and more. With new reported discoveries being revealed all the time, we know that cannabis is reversing health issues and making gelreat strides in possible cures.
Arts & Crafts, cooking lessons, long scenic drives, sewing, pottery, dance, fitness, yoga...the relaxation of being in your own environment is second to none. This is a time to make your dreams come true when it comes to your health regimine.  We invite others to our home away from home in search of a cure. As we treat ourselves to edibles that relax our anxiety, pain, and more and group therapy to end the madness, delightful walks, outdoor photography, massage therapy, movie night and more the experience of getting better will keep you coming back for ... even more.
It's for the patient that wants better for themselves. It's for the patient that feels like no matter what they say, there has to be a better way (a natural way). This roommate obviously would need to be in or be willing to relocate to Colorado for this to be a reality.
The room is available on a month to month basis based off of each patients individual needs, and each patient has individual goals that they are supported in meeting. Its a place where the MS patient doesn't feel alone.
This is not a nursing home, just a healing home. It's a home where we can support one another and slowly change our MS around by eating right, living stress free, exploring the healing miracles of cannabis, and grow our own nourishment.
I have been now 18 days on our program and I'm already experiencing benefits, AND I'm not taking meds (but I have them on standby). Though not everyone is able to completely eliminate pills, the "treatment" does help you slowly eliminate them and replace with natural remidies. It's for people that want to get better, not those who have given up and unfortunately not for people that can't do anything for themselves. For those that don't qualify, we offer off site options.
The scenery is beautiful and fantastic. If you look afar, you'll see gorgeous mountains. There are beautiful fields and plains. The air is crisp and clear. The weather is nice summer warmth. I've seen the most beautiful sunsets here. Tranquil. It's quiet here, and very therapeutic. We will be gardening, growing fresh fruits and vegetables. We also foster kittens, dogs, and birds. Pet therapy is great for MS patients, and so is giving back.
NOW TAKING APPLICATIONS for an immediate move in date. 
We have a space with ONE 12' x 13' furnished bedroom, (with a queen sized bed), available for someone needing to come to or who is already in Colorado for access to our Medical Marijuana program. ONLY a legitimate patient will be considered. I need someone who is NOT totally disabled, has a vehicle, an adequate source of income to cover all their expenses and who wants to participate in the functioning of this house.
We have a very unique situation for the right person. We have established a healing household and are seeking someone who will fit into our small community. You must be at a point where you WANT to heal yourself. Staying stuck for sympathy will not work here.
If you know what it means to be awake, are on your own spiritual journey, want to be part of a group of people who are taking care of most of our medical needs in this alternative way, you might be the perfect one to join us. We are three patients with serious medical conditions who are working together for the benefit of the entire household. Our goal is to be as self sufficient and sustaining as possible. We have an organic, non-GMO, non-addictive behaviors including alcohol, mindset with everything we are doing.
The house is 30 minutes from the Denver airport in Bennett, Colorado, 20 minutes from the eastern most edge of Aurora, Colorado.
Passing a background check is required, ($40 fee mandatory), and an in person interview so we both may meet the new prospect. When approved, one month's security deposit and one month's rent are required before moving in. This rental will be on a month-to-month basis for a while to determine compatibility after joining the household. You will need a vehicle, be capable and willing to participate in the activities of running the house with the rest of us.
Share kitchen, living room, family room, bath, wi-fi, satellite, on street parking, other facilities...
Sorry, no pets as I have a service dog and several other therapy critters.
Rent is $500 PLUS split utilities FIRM.
To apply click here"  and I posted a link to the property Craigslist ad.
MS is such a stressful disease, and I just wanted a place of "our" own because sometimes the outside world just doesn't get it. Because we are disabled, the roommate patient would need to be able to hold their own financially. Patients receiving disability checks are better for this house because they don't have to worry about not being able to pay rent because they have guaranteed funds. This is independent assisted living, which I find works best for us MS patients.
But before moving forward, I realized and I have learned to live in peace and I know stress causes relapses so we do our best to keep stress down here. Since arriving in Bennett, where this house is located, I've sensed certain stress. Ring worm is in the house from the animals, and neighbors are not neighborly towards each other. And gospel music is hated. Smh.  And non alchohol seemed weird seeing as there was beer in the fridge all the time. So I'm not sure now. Its too early. 
Wherever I decide to do the MS House, here it somewhere else, For those who can't go outdoors, there will be indoor activities. Rest is accepted and encouraged. For those who can go outdoors, we do take trips to the wonders of Colorado such as restaurants, tours, mountains, and more.
I'm gonna do this. Phoenix reminds me of rising and the meds I take is called Phoenix Tears, so we shall see....dream still in the making.

The Broken Promise

I couldn't do it.   Last night I could not take the Gabapentin.   I made a promise that I really shouldn't have made because I'm too paranoid about this medication.   I read so many testimonies about how you're not supposed to stop taking the medication suddenly and the effects that you will have if you do.   That sounds like a lifetime commitment.   And most of the side effects that people complain about is something I just don't want to have to deal with in my life; I've dealt with too much already.  


I'm going to have to talk with the doctor a little bit longer before I can be on the same page with her about medication.   I'm not trying to go against doctor's orders but at the same time I'm not trying to take something experimental.   Gabapentin isn't even for multiple sclerosis.   I have not found a medication that will stop the multiple sclerosis from attacking my body Point Blank Period.   It's not fair to expect someone to take things that's going to prohibit them from having a longer life.   A  classmate of mine who is a physician told me about a surgery that is being done that is ridding people of Multiple Sclerosis,  however I cannot find anything stating for certain that Multiple Sclerosis can be cured and therefore I'm not going under the knife.  

I know that for me even being off Xanax continuously has been a blessing.  Looking at its side effects doesn't help anything either there's a whole list where that comes from.   So really I don't know what medication I should be taking.   If the doctors are going to prescribe things with so many side effects and instill so much fear inside of me, I'm not going to be able to relax at all.   I do pretty good with cannabis it has taken me off of everything else and it doesn't have those side effects.   I'm still researching.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Concerns about Gabapentin

Dr. Sheldon reiterated that I needed to take the Gabapentin medication that I've been prescribed. I’ve heard many times before at office visits that this prescribed the drug for me would be ultimately helpful.  I was first prescribed Gabapentin in Atlanta Georgia and I have a lot of the bottles because every time they put me on pills I pretty much start getting paranoid when I read all of the side effects.


Well I promised Dr.  Shelton in front of Mallory that I would take these pills and I will try to remember to take them so that they can work.  Last night I took the dose as promised.  Dr. Sheldon says that I can take Gabapentin with Elavi (my depression medication)l and she feels that if I take the Xanax I only need to do so in extreme cases. She wants me off of Zanex.  Last night I took Gabapentin and Elavil so that I can go to sleep.  I already have problems going to sleep with the phobias that I suffered with on my way to sleep and as  I started to doze off I began to become frantic in my mind. I kept thinking that I was about to die I kept clinging to my husband so that at least be i’d be with him if I slipped off (passed away) because it really didn't feel good.  He was sleep, and I was having a full fledge SEVERE panic attack.  At one point I felt like I couldn’t breath, but then I just succumbed to the medicine. This  morning I was happy to be alive.


My mind was on the conflicted discussion I had the other day.  It was pretty intense. Whoever I was during that whole fiasco isn’t who I want to be.  Typically  I never really speak like that anymore, so it troubles me.  Then I decided to look up the effects of Gabapentin.  I'm reading this blog http://www.peoplespharmacy.com/2012/05/26/gabapentin-side-effects/  and I Became extremely worried. The people on the blog said that Gabapentin is addictive they also said that the side effects are horrible as I read the side effects I began to notice some of the things that we're going on in my life since I've been taking Gabapentin. I've had severe constipation and so have other again Gabapentin uses I've had  my temper being really short fused  just like other Gabapentin users. AND so forth. I’m in no way trying to be difficult, but I’m really scared of this even though Dr. Sheldon said it’s not harmful.

Friday, May 6, 2016

Meeting Dr. Sheldon

Today I met with Dr. Sheldon. She's a really nice lady. It was easy to talk to her even with the transcriber there and Mallory in the room and of course Koche Cooper, who went with me. So dr. Sheldon and I just really talked and she asked me what some of my symptoms are and what are some of the things that I go through, and again it was really easy to talk to her. But as I began to talk to her she began to tell me what instances my diagnosis’  came into play and that helped out a lot because I know doctors have told me in the past, but I forget why they told me those things.  I just kind of take it into my personality or into my identity and speaking with Dr. Sheldon I felt safe and I could really be myself and it felt good to be in that position.


It's hard for me to deal with different doctors. There's a none trust issue that really makes it hard for them to treat me the way that they would like to treat me. Above all else I believe that’s practicing medicine and I know that everything is pretty much experimental because people are all different. We're not all the same. Multiple Sclerosis to me is not the same Multiple Sclerosis as theirs but the thing is we have a lot of similarities. There's some things that the doctor told me that I'm just going to take my time to explore and I'll see her next month


I like Mallory a lot because I don't have another female in my life to take on the feminine things that I need the feminine energy that I need. Mallory can provide a little of that female energy. The doctor talked about my abandonment issues. I didn't tell her that. I didn't tell her a lot. I spoke with her honestly and in a pretty safe mood and I was happy. It's beautiful out here in Denver .I had a really rough night last night with communication and frustration but I woke up this morning happy to be alive and thankful and in a positive space, so I didn't go to dr. Sheldon in a frantic state of mind. I mean I was my normal nervous self but I had Koche Cooper with me and it was alright.


Everyone here respects the fact that I want to go a holistic natural organic route for my treatment,  but they are appreciative that I am willing to at least try their practice and to see if it'll work for me. I'm thankful that today I'm only suffering body pain maybe at a 5 or 6 (especially my arms down to the elbows but I'm alright I am very very much all right and I know that I'm worried about my children always, but I know that I'm trying to stay here with them a little bit longer a lot bit longer and to do that I need to have someone to talk to that can help me out of the emotional entrapments that I found myself into.

I am not the same Attica Lundy That I Used to be. I'm not even the same Attica Lundy Cooper that I was in the beginning. But I am the Attica Lundy Cooper that I am today and that's alright. I am going to try my best to get On The Rise Radio and On The Rise Magazine where they need to be because it's a company that's for our future of the world honestly and especially for my children because this from me and of  me  to them and to their kids and their kids. We have 5 beautiful children that we are very very much proud of and we want to do for them and we have a beautiful grandson that we simply adore and we can't wait until we're at a stable place with my health and our finances that we can all be back together again.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Awareness- I have to talk about it more

I'm speaking more for my needs. These MS suicides are so horrible, and I feel horrible that I "get it". I'm speaking out more so it doesn't get that bad to me. If I ask for help it's because so much has to be done and I can't be a one-woman team anymore. Not with cramping fingers, cramping and stabbing pains throughout my body, a back that feels broken most times, "fog" / "confusion"...and extreme paranoia about the side effects of the meds I still have to take. It's a lot. People say "don't think like that" but that is our reality, mainly so we won't be a burden on anyone. I'm just being honest. So many times we are frantic because we feel alone because people don't know how to take our honesty, they somehow get offended leaving us to feel even more alone. Nobody wants to help us and we can't really understand that, we just feel like crap all the time and worthless.

Social Security did not give a cost of living increase for 2016. I Started working in 1987. Got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 2004. Had to retire in October 31, 2006. Tried to go back to work because my savings and 401k was running out, landed a job with the government april 2007 AND was awarded social security that same month. I had to make decision so I worked til December 2007 and the government began layoffs, not renewing my contract and my decision was made when I once again began to relapse. After or king all my life, this was a HUGE adjustment.

I still try to work when I can because its too hard living off disability and am building a team we can continue being successful despite MS. MS has progressed in me mainly with mental/emotional, energy/fatigue, chronic pain,and cognitive issues. Financially it's been Devastating to my entire family. My prayers to my MS Warriors that fight this fight of survival along side me every day GOD blesses us to be "awake". I smile behind tears because I AM trying and I WANT TO LIVE. Even though the pain and the woes are telling me its not worth and even when my mind and emotions tell me I'm not worth it to anyone, either. Under 10 people actually care, in my mind and perhaps in reality (I truly don't know anymore), and so i'm here, still fighting for...US.

It's so hard to talk to people. I ask one question and it turns into a whole heated conversation and ends up with me being at fault where honestly there wasn't a "fault" involved. Okay...whatever. Then I'm asked a question and I try to follow up like okay, what are we doing..and it turns into yet another issue. How can people live like this of they can't communicate? People can try to blame me but I know it's not me. I take meds because of them. Because people don't know how to be non aggressive with others. I'm gonna have to remember I'm 43 and that I do have good sense. People Catch attitudes when you ignore them because they cant have conversations the right way. Yep that's right, talk to me crazy and you can just talk to yourself. Meds put me in lala land, take my whole day away, but that's okay...I will have another day, God will make sure of it.

I always accept help as it comes, I have no pride issues, I prefer to work for it. If anyone needs online promo or even an article written about them and their brand please share this link because my team and I are raising money and awareness about Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, Kidney Disease, Fibromyalga, Diabetes, HIV/AIDS, Sickle Cell Anemia, Heart Disease, and overall health and we do work for donations https://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness . Help us out heart emoticon