Back against the wall

Honestly, my back feels all sorts of broken. I'm in pain and I hate it. I can't sit straight because my back hurts. I can't sit crooked either without pain. I really can't get comfortable.

I'm smoking Tangerine Kush. I got it from Lotus Medical and was told it's very strong. See, it's known to relieve pain and allow for relaxation.

I'm in the process of renewing my "red card". It's actually purple, which makes the color a returning favorite of mine. I used to love the color purple which is why in 1983 I discovered Alice Walker's THE COLOR PURPLE.   I was in the 5th grade. That book shocked me, much like this back pain is now. Everything is like this pain because I don't know what it feels like not to have it.

I'm laying on my side now. I tried laying on my back, but it's too sore.  I feel like this is skeletal pain. I don't want to take pain meds for it so that cannabis is helping. I also got bath bombs (I hope they work). I think without cannabis, I'd lose it. I'd surely have to take opiates which I do not want to do again. I'm going from lots of medications to none and I want to keep it that way. Cannabis allows me to relax so that the pain is tolerable at least.

I hope nobody else gets MS.

I feel trapped inside this pain. I'm panicked like my back is against the wall and if I don't improve I will deteriorate. I need to take yoga, at least, but I'm so sore. Regular exercise like sit ups and push-ups are unbearable. I'm stuck.

I'm not the only one. I've got a friend whose back pain is so severe that she is in tears. I wish I could cry about my pain but crying would probably hurt. My body hurts like I've been struck by a moving vehicle. My mind is all over the place. Guess I'll smoke. 

HURTING LIKE HELL

So I am finally out of the PTSD episode or series of episodes that I was going through last week and I feel a lot better however I'm having a lot of chronic pain right now that is not making me feel better at all.   I have been getting exercise I want at least 8 blocks a day, I say that because the park that I go to is 2 blocks to and then two blocks from and then I do that again later in the day another two blocks to and 2  blocks from so I'm getting exercise for sure.   I don't feel like I'm overdoing it but even walking feels like I'm overdoing it.   I did a few stretches but not anything serious because I'm in pain and I get that exercising will probably help the pain but from what I'm experiencing it is definitely not helping the pain.

I'm on a muscle relaxer called after baclofen and it's 10 milligrams tablets. But those are prescribed for twice a day and because of my paranoia against Pharmaceuticals of pharmaceuticals, I only take it once a day on the days i'm brave enough to take it which is probably why I'm hurting.   I really don't know how to get past the paranoia in order to get treatment.   I am going to get some food assistance since primarily how I treat my conditions are with diet and herbs.  Because I'm still considered low-income with all of the expenses I'm not eating as healthy as I need to.   Eating unhealthy is probably causing me to not have enough nutrition.   Not having enough nutrition means that my body isn't getting what it needs.   Hopefully my case manager will be able to assist me with this tomorrow.   I'm going to make a list of all of my concerns and divide that list out to different people that handle those particular situations and my health case.  

On June 29th I have two doctors appointments the first one  is my psychologist,   and the second one is my primary care physician's office.   Physician's office because I really don't even know who my doctor is. I've only seen them once or twice.   the purpose of a primary care physician visit is to get a referral that to neurology.   There is nobody monitoring my Ms or managing it except for me.

Another thing that's causing me pain is my depression.   my daughter's family is not returning my calls like I need them to and that was the agreement.   so now I'm worried all of the time.   speak with my daughter but I need to speak with an adult that's caring for her so that I can follow up,   and I just feel like they're lines are too busy to communicate with me.   that's not going to work with me.   I've had my children all of their lives for this is the first time I've ever been away and I really expect everyone to make this as comfortable as it is as it can be for everyone.  If I have to go through it as I rather just have my daughter with me.  There's just so much I don't understand.   I'm still so upset that she didn't even make it back to me on the day that she was supposed to because she didn't get to her proper tutoring during school year and had to take a summer course,  which meant that she couldn't come to see me on our agreed date. Now her family has decided to go on a cruise which I'm happy that she can go because I can't afford a cruise but I send money every month and I can't do anything and they are really doing a lot of stuff except for calling me.   We're definitely going to have to have a meeting but first I'm going to get my daughter because I can't take any more anxiety about this situation and I never would have agreed to it had I known that I would have uncomfortable moments like this so many miles away from the ones I love.

I made a video to basically document my pain because with my memory the way it is more than likely I will forget and not have an opportunity to get help from the doctor.

One of my good friends told me the other day that I was being Manic and then I realized that I was being manic and so I'm going to have to address that with the doctors as well.   Love and light peace and blessings and  Please support MS and PTSD awareness.  PS, that’s my husband in the background playing PS4.

Meeting Dr. Sheldon

Today I met with Dr. Sheldon. She's a really nice lady. It was easy to talk to her even with the transcriber there and Mallory in the room and of course Koche Cooper, who went with me. So dr. Sheldon and I just really talked and she asked me what some of my symptoms are and what are some of the things that I go through, and again it was really easy to talk to her. But as I began to talk to her she began to tell me what instances my diagnosis’  came into play and that helped out a lot because I know doctors have told me in the past, but I forget why they told me those things.  I just kind of take it into my personality or into my identity and speaking with Dr. Sheldon I felt safe and I could really be myself and it felt good to be in that position.

It's hard for me to deal with different doctors. There's a none trust issue that really makes it hard for them to treat me the way that they would like to treat me. Above all else I believe that’s practicing medicine and I know that everything is pretty much experimental because people are all different. We're not all the same. Multiple Sclerosis to me is not the same Multiple Sclerosis as theirs but the thing is we have a lot of similarities. There's some things that the doctor told me that I'm just going to take my time to explore and I'll see her next month

I like Mallory a lot because I don't have another female in my life to take on the feminine things that I need the feminine energy that I need. Mallory can provide a little of that female energy. The doctor talked about my abandonment issues. I didn't tell her that. I didn't tell her a lot. I spoke with her honestly and in a pretty safe mood and I was happy. It's beautiful out here in Denver .I had a really rough night last night with communication and frustration but I woke up this morning happy to be alive and thankful and in a positive space, so I didn't go to dr. Sheldon in a frantic state of mind. I mean I was my normal nervous self but I had Koche Cooper with me and it was alright.

Everyone here respects the fact that I want to go a holistic natural organic route for my treatment,  but they are appreciative that I am willing to at least try their practice and to see if it'll work for me. I'm thankful that today I'm only suffering body pain maybe at a 5 or 6 (especially my arms down to the elbows but I'm alright I am very very much all right and I know that I'm worried about my children always, but I know that I'm trying to stay here with them a little bit longer a lot bit longer and to do that I need to have someone to talk to that can help me out of the emotional entrapments that I found myself into.

I am not the same Attica Lundy That I Used to be. I'm not even the same Attica Lundy Cooper that I was in the beginning. But I am the Attica Lundy Cooper that I am today and that's alright. I am going to try my best to get On The Rise Radio and On The Rise Magazine where they need to be because it's a company that's for our future of the world honestly and especially for my children because this from me and of  me  to them and to their kids and their kids. We have 5 beautiful children that we are very very much proud of and we want to do for them and we have a beautiful grandson that we simply adore and we can't wait until we're at a stable place with my health and our finances that we can all be back together again.

Completely Tired

I spent the greater part of the day trying to get some things accomplished. One of the things that I wanted to do was to put some shows together, and though I was able to schedule the shows on the proper dates and even book talent for three segments,  I was not able to go any further. This is actually quite common and that's one of the obstacles that I face on a daily basis. Just trying to get activities completed is a struggle.  I found that because I'm having such a difficult time completing things, if I start them advance time even if I only get some of it done, I will have enough time to ask for help some.

Im exhausted.  I dont really get good enough rest, not because I don't have the opportunity,  but it's mostly because my mind races all of the time with new ideas or new worries all at the same time. It's so exhausting. I Don't Want To Miss A Moment Of Life and taking a nap to me WILL take me out of the game; at least for that time too.

It's funny, but before I even began the Cannabis treatment I had a fog about me. It's quite frustrating to get stuck in a thought process and just not be able to get the idea or even the right words out. I might not be able to figure out what I was just thinking about or even what I'm  supposed to be thinking about or where I was going with an idea.  Being confused a lot is very frustrating throughout the day because it allows others to have control over me, and depending on how confused i am, paranoia makes me have to second-guess a lot of stuff because it just doesn't seem make sense. The cognitive issues has really put a damper on a lot of things I find myself not wanting to take a lot of the challenges just to not become overwhelmed. 

As we continue to work on the On The Rise projects , I do have more hope. I want to continue to get the word out about people with MS and I want people to continue to understand that multiple sclerosis affects so many people in so many different ways, but we still matter whether we are fully competent or whether we are fully handicapped.   These are my thoughts for the day. I'm tired and hoping I can bring some money in. I want to go to massage therapy at least six times next month.

Please support MS Awareness.

Pain From Too Much Stress

It's 4:15am/mtn. Two baclofen 's and an elavil later, I'm still awake. Pain is letting up, though; slightly. The artist Bankroll Fresh got killed and there is a lot going on with my kids and stress is there.

Despite that, my team is really supporting MS Awareness. They tell me to take it easy and I'm learning to let them do more as I direct. I'm really stoked about Too Smoov signing on and it feels good to be able to get more exposure for more people and multiple sclerosis. 

Gigi is back. I can't believe how much I can't do anymore so I'm always thankful to and for her. This once brilliant mind is full of "I don't know how"'s now but that's fine too. I think God prepared me because he gave me a huge network and is restoring my team and so there is no such thing as "I don't know" or "I can't do". The Boss Lady in me is in control of everything. My dear Ifeelya told me to pace myself and get rest. So I am.

Hubby's still doesn't have all of his paperwork needed to file taxes. That is stressing me out more than anyone can imagine. It's not fair, but then again we all know life isn't fair bit that patience is a virtue. We are virtue qualified times a billion, I think.

It's 4:26 am/mtn now. Off to sleep I go. Can't wait to get Too Smoov's bio completed.

After Desiree

D's suicide post (  "Say No More: A MS Tale Of Suicide  http://supportmsawareness.blogspot.com/2015/07/say-no-more-ms-tale-of-suicide.html?m=1 ) got a huge response of condolences on facebook. When she was alive, she really didn't understand that no matter how little she had in terms of money or mobility or even mental stability or even moments without pain she had wealth in people that cared about her. Insecurity, padded with paranoia is hell on the spirit and torments the soul. In my faith, I believe that we all have contracts to fulfil here on earth, and I'd like to think that D, the MS patient, had fulfilled hers. I salute her for so many things on a spiritual level. I do.

It was at some point that she couldn't be convinced anymore that she was worth it, when pain got too severe, and when she was too aggressive and snappy to everyone for any little thing for anyone to sooth her. It wasn't nice.  But when moments were good and pain and fears took a side seat, we did have laughter when we she was in better moods. But the last time she got rude and pissed and depressed over her life and this bullshit disease called Multiple Sclerosis, she began to isolate herself as she always did (like most MS patients at some point). This was her end. And her beginning.

Not everyone is awakened to the spiritual aspects of life, but we are. Her transition from here opened up doors for others in ways one cannot imagine. I only knew her for the month of July truly, but I had been introduced to her on the phone prior on my interview for the healing house application. I came here for her so she wouldn't be the only MS patient and to get the house in order for future patients. It seems like Spirit and universe are working together because as a friend and writer, I'm here to tell her story.  I honor her and promise to give my all to the MS cause.

Now,  there is nothing cool suicide even though I understand transition. We used to watch TV and talk about MS stuff. We talked about suicide and i always told her it wasnt cool. She knew. She said our landlord had driven her nuts with being passive aggressive towards her and we would soon see that for ourselves. I dont really understand that but seemingly they have something not too good going on. Is it a scorned love affair? "D" said "hell no" when i asked about it. So did our landlord. Who knows? In the house, we are supposed to have a family theme, so nobody is Alone. Supposedly. But "D" was alone. I never saw our landlord really talk to her. Our landlord did indicate she was tired of Dealing with "D" and was going to send her a notice to vacate at the end of the month. That's scary for someone on limited income. But our landlord never thought her MS was that serious and I had to tell her it was.  Depression can be deadly, however, and sometimes no matter how many people surround you, feelings of loneliness and despair could kick in. I aim to push harder so people know suicide isn't worth it.

So here I am...living...here.  I've got so many reasons to just give up. I have no money. I feel like my ex gf/co-caretaker abandoned me without the curtacy of her/us getting therapy. My abandonment issues alone would cause me to sink lower into a pit of sadness. There is no cure for the diseases I have. I need assistance caring for myself and my children. My tax situation is messed up and the IRS is holding my funds. I don't have people who are willing to help me. My old best friend still isnt speaking to me due to my memory loss as far as I can tell. My pain level is always high. My energy is low. Nobody understands. There are many other things that depress me but regardless, I'm not giving up.

Life is a gift.  I'm a light, and I'm here on Earth to live, to grow, and to complete my work here. I am researching for a cure for MS and hopefully other illnesses. I'm excited because my elder (and spiritual mother from a previous lifetime) "V" is finally coming to stay with here so I can know for sure our bond if any. She and our landlord say I'm reunited with them from another lifetime and though I dont know how true that is, I do of course know I married my twin Flame and no matter how many "lives are involved", he's got me protected in this one and I am protecting him too. We are so far away from home and family. This is bigger that most people know. Everything is happening for a bigger purpose. The "Phoenix" is rising, true enough. I wish "D" were here to experience this, but she chose to leave and so that's that and I've got a feeling that was just the start. Life goes on one day to the next. It's a choice, after all. Life. Love. Choice. Life isnt all that bad. I will certainly be staying awhile.

Who's hurting for me?

1:26 am. This is my quiet time supposedly. But it's not. I'm an insomniac with chronic pain. Who's hurting for me tonight? He's tired and worn out from everything. She's stressed and fearful of the next moves. And I'm in the middle knowing there nothing I do to make anyone's situation better as I struggle with pain in my legs, paranoia from sleeping in a different room, fear because I did not have my familiar things around me, and so much more.
Yet I want to be everyone's answer to their prayers of needs and wants, desires and requires, and all the in between. We all hurt for me.

9:45am All is well with the universe and I have to know that. If not the panic of it all will fail my health. This...ugh...can't even have normal emotions because of this MS. But all is well in the universe, and I have to know that.

Meditation begins...

Video blog June 16, 2015

You'd never believe just how fast MS symptoms come about. They sneak up on you and POW...they attack.

Today is Tuesday. Yesterday was my 2nd born's 18th birthday. My golden boy..he was a premie and I never let him forget about it. He is also the biggest one in our tribe's children. So far.
  I've got a lot of stress going on at the moment. Looks like we are for sure making moves for a better life, and I'm thankful for that. I'm at a level 8 in pain at the moment but I'm happy to be home with my family. GOD will see me through this torment.
  The pain is actually excruciating. I hate taking Norco, but I went ahead and took one. Well..half of one because it makes me nauseated.
  One cool thing going on is that I'm seeing a chiropractor. It's important that I begin to take control over what I can change. I don't know about a cure for MS, but I do know that my back pain is horrible and I'd like a non surgical remedy. I'm hoping to barter her services with those of Attica Lundy presents On The RISE Magazine and Radio. If she can correct my spinal damage, I'd give her the world, or at least tell the world about her. Dr. Conde...she's A1.
  Well, I'm laying down praying this pain goes away. Please don't forget to donate if you will (click on the donate tab)

https://youtu.be/i6Bteilg3CI

I will whisper louder

In autoimmune disease, the body’s immune cells mistakenly attack and destroy healthy tissue. In MS, it’s the fatty protective sheath around the nerves; in type-1 or juvenile diabetes it’s cells in the pancreas that make insulin; in rheumatoid arthritis it’s tissue in the joint.

Currently, the main treatment is to suppress the immune system, an approach that can leave patients vulnerable to infections and cancer. There are shots that are intended to redirect the attack on cells by tricking them into attacking injected protein.  Still, these are "ATTACKS" and most everything that is out there to take has horrible side effects.

I'm still off the shots.  I removed myself from that treatment therapy in 2009 after a MS relapse almost made me lose my kidneys, and the shots did not stop it from getting as bad as it did.

I hope there is other treatment.  I ignore my MS a lot because my caretaker is also my husband, and no matter that I trust him the most, it's sad to see him have to live with my reality, too. I hope to find another caretaker in the future to give him some time to just enjoy having a wife (not a patient).

The pain is on my right side (the same side that went paralyzed in 2004) .  I can't really get a full body massage because my husband has now began to be in a lot of pain, too.  I sometimes wonder if he has MS, too, or if he is just experiencing some of my symptoms (we are incredibly close and have a really tight bond), or if he has something altogether different going on.  We are each other's caregivers and really always have been.  But this pain is too much for me to bare too much longer without repeated relief, which is what my prescribed treatment was since I'm no longer on all of the meds.  I'm supposed to have intense massage therapy to keep me out of most of the pain, but now I feel helpless.  I often cry when I'm alone, just to get it out of my system (the frustration).

I feel like my condition is getting a little worst right now, so I want to make sure I blog while I can still type.  Nobody knows what the future holds.  I hope mine is one that's still happy and loving, just not so much pain. http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness