Saturday, August 6, 2016

A Beautiful Mind

I have no idea if I've said this before, but this entire experience with MS and what it did to me, on top of the PTSD and everything else reminds me so much of the movie "A Beautiful Mind" starring Russell Crowe http://abeautifulmind.com/ .  Even though the character suffered from Schizophrenia, the fact that someone so smart and on top of the world would take such a dive due to illness that effects the mind.  I feel slighted in so many ways even though I try not to.


I'm just thinking about how things could have been.  I'm striving hard to make turn things around.  That's why this latest stage of depression or whatever that has me not eating much and being just unable to feel and be "normal" without roadblocks in the way is ...well, depressing.  With PTSD, you really have a hard time gaining emotional control..it's a struggle.  

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Finding myself

The whole thing about my account was a false alarm, but it showed me just how panicky I am. Not to be able to trust anyone is very hard; to be in the world in a sensitive mental state is scary.  Depression, anxiety, ptsd, trauma from it all, just everything is quite overwhelming, and I want to be "normal" again.

I remember years ago when I checked myself into an anger management program. I had to learn how to deal with my anger issues without resulting to violence.  It was hard not to just knock the heck out of someone if they rubbed me wrong, or to stop imagining doing something harmful to them; so I took the program and to this day it still works for me.  Because I know therapy works, I don't feel so helpless; so I went to a new program for victims of trauma.

video


I appreciate my medical team for assisting me in getting set up with this new program.  I am a complete advocate for therapy if it's to help someone.  As I stated in the video, it's a commitment but I committed to getting better for myself and for my family.  I was surprised at how many of us (in the group) were struggling financially because where we live it's expensive (but we are here primarily because our health care is very good).  It was scary being around other's as afraid as I was, but the life coach in me was able to come and give some of the women the feeling that they were not alone.  I was quite surprised, but being around a circle of women (it's female only with the exception of my dog #kochecooper ) did not freak me out.  The best part is that I felt safe and hubby was there to meet me when I got out.  That's still my one steady stability as far as my world goes at the moment.  I was afraid that hearing other women's stories would trigger something in me, but we didn't get deep into issues and so it was a really safe zone.  Day 1 of getting better, and of finding myself. 
And I didn't even cry today.