Monday, December 29, 2014

Dying Young

My biggest fear (and my children's, too, unfortunately) is my passing away from MS. I'd much rather it be from natural causes like old age (100 or so). When I go to lay down, I think of death and it makes me wake back up.
I love my family, friends, pets, etc. I used to not want to live, but now I have so much to live for. The anxiety that thoughts of death cause me is bad. I try to relax. I just don't want to leave anyone behind....

Thursday, December 4, 2014

2 Feet or Bust

"It might be a good idea to back off a bit when dealing with people who suffer from anxiety, according to a new study, because the disorder seems to affect the need for more personal space surrounding the body, also called "peripersonal space."
British researchers found that people with anxiety perceive threats as closer, compared with those who are not anxious. They said their findings could be used to link defensive behavior to levels of anxiety, particularly among those with risky jobs, such as firefighters and police officers.
In conducting the study, Dr. Chiara Sambo and Dr. Giandomenico Iannetti, from University College London, recruited 15 people ranging in age from 20 to 37 and gave them a test to rate their level of anxiety in certain situations.
In addition, the researchers applied an electrical stimulus to a nerve in each participants' hand, which caused them to blink. This hand-blink reflex, which is not controlled by the brain, was monitored as the participants held their hand at four different distances from their face: ranging from about 2 inches to nearly 2 feet. By measuring the strength of their reflex, the investigators determined how dangerous the participants viewed each stimulus.
The study, published in the Aug. 27 issue of theJournal of Neuroscience, revealed that those who scored higher on the anxiety test reacted more dramatically to stimuli about 8 inches from their face compared with those who had lower anxiety scores. People who reacted strongly to the stimuli farther away were classified as having a large "defensive peripersonal space," the study authors said.
Anxious people viewed threats as closer than those who were not anxious -- even if the perceived threats actually were the same distance away, the researchers said. Although the brain does not trigger defensive reactions, the study authors said, it could control their intensity.
"This finding is the first objective measure of the size of the area surrounding the face that each individual considers at high risk, and thus wants to protect through the most effective defensive motor responses," Iannetti said in a university news release.
-- Mary Elizabeth Dallas"
The hardest part of mental disorders are the quirky ways they make us feel. I have intense anxiety when anyone leaves personal items in my room. I've been working on it - immensely - but I'm still very much triggered when it still occurs.
Honestly, nobody should be placing their personal items in my room as storage, even temporarily. Not my children, not my girls. Its important to me to be able to look around and see memor of ME. And mostly its females i have the issue with. Is it a trust of intentions issue?/Perhaps, but that's mental, right? I'm aware. I once had an IQ of enormous amounts, which is why my psych says I'm "intelligent".  But intelligence or not, it still doesn't stop

Misunderstandings lead to me feeling alone and misunderstood

Along with MS, I got Cognitive Dysfunction.  smh

Well, recently I got an email from a teacher and in my response,  I asked her for more clarification.  I can tell by the way that she responded she was being defensive. She doesn't know me, so I did advise her that I was an MS patient and I do learn things a little differently.  I asked her to bare with me while I asked for more clarification.  I feel like she thought I was pointing the finger at her, so I had to explain to her that all I wanted was to ensure that my child was not giving me excuses, I needed all the facts and details (because I'm not there in the classroom with him)- that is the only reason why I asked more probing questions.  I do that so I can fully comprehend, but people take it as if I'm interrogating them.  Thing is, if they are being honest, what does it matter?

I CONSTANTLY explain that I learn differently due to MS, and that I need more clarification. So this time, I was kinda hurt because the teacher didn't respond back to me.  And like most people, she may have gotten defensive.

I was told by a family member that perhaps I was the one being defensive.  I was shocked, and kind of insulted.  I can me asking questions equate to me being defensive.  Is that me being defensive or is that me seeking more clarification?  It's annoying that someone would assume that I'm defending my child when ALL I am trying to do is DISCUSS things????  True, I do defend my children a lot because I'm their mother and their protector, but obviously not ALWAYS and especially when I'm thinking my child may be not giving me all the info.

It hurts to always be misunderstood.  It hurts for others to assume what's going on without them trying to consider my side of things.  My memory is so short, and in order for me to comprehend things, it has to be drilled into my head.  I expect strangers to sometimes not understand me, but I'm trying so very hard to get my family members to understand my way of communication, too, so they won't get defensive so much and so we won't have ....misunderstandings.

I found this really great article about dealing with Cognitive Dysfunction (what I have with my MS) here .
One suggestion they have is to control your environment and also control the way other's communicate with you.  I hope it helps someone else out there going through the same things.  I hurts so bad to be misunderstood, not to mention it messes with my mental.  Keep me in your prayers, please.