Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Not Poppin Corn

I used to really enjoy popping popcorn when I was a young girl.  I didn't like the microwave bags; I prefered the ones that came in the tin pan and was popped over the stove top.  Now at 40 years old, I no longer like the word "poppin'", as I have been in need of popping or taking my pills (medication).  This month it has been zanex for anxiety, Temazepam for my insomnia and mind racing, loretab for my pain, and of course herbal remedies #homegrown #legalizeit .

I've tried to go back to work a bit.  Small doses.  It's really hard because people still don't realize that I am to be handled with care.  No need for loud fussing and all that stuff clients like to do, nor do they need to use profanity while speaking with me.  It's just a matter of training people on how to deal with me.


Thursday, October 10, 2013


When the World says give up
try it one more time.

I put up with a lot of stuff.  Sometimes life can seem so hard.  I remember telling myself sometimes, "It'll be okay once I lay down in my grave; it won't hurt so bad then".  Then I have to remind myself that I've gone through my savings and I need to rebuild my wealth so that my family, at least, can put me to rest properly.  And so I remain.

There are a lot of times when I just want to walk away from it all. My life before MS was free and full and fun.  It was filled with endless opportunities and endless thrills.  But there has to be a reason behind this madness called MS.  I know that there is some way of getting rid of it, and I hope I do before I die because I do want a better quality of life again.  I want to feel whole again. I want to do things and not be afraid. I want my life back.

Hope whispers to me.  It makes me have faith in there here and now, and the future.  Hope makes me feel like things will get better.  So many families out there are suffering, but they pull through and stick together.  I do thank GOD for the fact that my family is still in tact.  Whenever I feel like just giving up, I think about all I gave up in the first place just to be here with them, and then I get over whatever feelings I was going through that would ever make me think an "exit" will make things right.  I'm not perfect, but I do have heart.  and as long as it's beating, I'll do my all in everything.  HOPE whispers "one more time", and so I pull up a chair and stay awhile.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013



I had a fatigue attack today.  
I'm not in the closet with my MS at all.  I used to be.  I had such a stressful morning that by the time I got back home,  I began to get extreme fatigue and nearly passed out.  Which was fine because I was at home near my bed. When I got up, the stress was a bit better...but still stress. Now I'm going to go talk to a MS support group and some other support groups I'm in because obviously I can't handle this on my own.  GOD is LOVE and so I have that on my side.  Now I just need to take care of me a bit better. 

Life is stressful. As a married woman, there's additional stress sometimes.  I have a really good marriage but we have some issues that sometimes can be a bit stressful for me.  I'm trying my hardest to remember the lessons in life that I've learned along the way. One of the greatest lessons I've learned is not to allow anyone to steal my joy. 

I have to remember now what a joy it is to wake up each and every day. I have to remember that when I'm pacing around looking for something at the  last minute and it causes my husband to stress, to remember that my pacing around is not me, and so I am not the cause of his stress. That's his. He is stressing because he loves me and doesn't want to see me pacing around looking for lost items.  He doesn't have to stress over me stressing; I suppose that's just his way of loving me or his way of handling things.  I don't know. I have to not get stressed, though,  because he is stressing about me stressing...because that just adds to my stress.  I'll probably forget it next time it happens and it may take a few times of me trying to remember not to, but thankfully this blog will help me go back over these little tid-bits about ME. 

Friday, October 4, 2013

Quit Picking At ME!

It's funny.  My husband and children say I'm cranky.

Who wouldn't be if something was constantly eating away at your brain and your body was on a level ten pain?  But I try to grin and beat it.  It's not always easy, either.

I've been practicing YOGA.  I know I'm not doing all I can do for my MS, but I'm so paranoid about the medications they have out there, the most I can do is take Zanex when it gets too bad, partake in my "peace sessions", and take Lortab for the extreme pain...and that's not even working anymore.

I've been bruising badly.  Auntie Jackie (who I call Momma Jackie) says it's because I take asprin and also because I might be anemic.  I'll go see next week.  And I GUESS i'll go to my PCP, thought I'm not too fond of her yet.  It takes time to get to know a doctor and to feel comfortable with.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Boys To Men And Little Girl's Candy

I declare, it's incredibly hard for me to these boys to men.  Being the momma hen up here in the coop, I know it's up to me to show them direction...but testerestone is not an easy thing to feat.  Neither is estrogen.  It's so hard to raise a little girl into a nice girl-like girl, if that makes any sense.  My children do the most.

I can't get around like I used to; not while I'm in this relapse.  This relapse is a result, I think, of the high bills that we face at home.  AND the food we've been eating.  And my lack of appetite.  Meanwhile, I have everyone depending on me and so because I can't fully relax, I can't get out of this relapse.  They all make me want to go on vacation for about a month but we can't afford to yet.

Here's the thing; with my MS it's best for me to stay in my room with my phone, my laptop, my TV/Remote, and a set schedule where my meals will be brought in.  I only need to leave for dates with the husband (and the wives) , family time, or brief biz meetings/events.  Other than that when I'm at home I like to stay to myself and be removed from any stress.  I even limit who can reach me via phone.  That's one of the ways that I stay healthy.  I'm really fun at home, but I also need a lot of solitude to keep my levels steady.

I've been watching more TV.  That's something I steered away from for awhile, but now I see I need it more.  My daughter, who is eleven, keeps having false alarms on as to if she is coming on her menstrual cycle for the first time, my middle son is unhappy that we don't have a lot of money, and my oldest son finds every excuse in the book to look down on me and to hold a grudge because after 2004 I had to live for me in order to live for them.  He resents me a lot.  I don't care because I did my best and nobody else really tried to help. But I also owe him a lot of gratitude for being a responsible son back then. I want to be hard on him now so he will be a stronger man in the future, but I have to remember that I'm his mother and the only one he has, no matter how many replacement mothers he's had in the past.   I'm just numb to being hurt by him or his father or anyone that seemingly is abusive.  I'm no longer afraid.  He'll work it out.  They all will, hubby included.  I spoil them all and now that I know i have to start back putting me first in order to get healthy, not everyone will be soiled anymore.  I'll still try, though.

When you are disabled, i don't care if you have a 200k/yr job, you can get sick and go bankrupt, time and time again.  That's the nature of the beast.  But it also is a beauty because it allows me to command for peace. My husband and I don't argue that much, because if it gets out of hand I will be sick.  So that means he'll treat other female family members like that, too.  Stress makes people sick.  He's a good man.  And we work well together.  The entire family is supportive of us and our love.  GOD be the glory.  And these kids better get right (bless their hearts).