Cliff Jumpers

When life gets bad, some MS patients want to end it all. When life gets bad for me, I cling to my faith. There are a lot of things that can bring you down, but hanging on is always the best way to go. Life is too precious to give up over circumstance. I'm learning that time in some way heals all wounds, one way or the other.

D the MS patient's memory is still with me. The isolation, the frustration, the pain. On the other side if that was the laughter, TV shows, her sense if humor, and talks of her son. I remember making smoothies with her, and comparing our MS experiences. The worst memory is finding her lifeless body. To see the ultimate "give up" was hard. I'm still quite upset about it considering all I've gone through.

Had my children been with me, I'm sure I'd made different choices, but they aren't so I went a different route. One that hasn't been the best experience. Im out of one situation but here I am in a place unfamiliar and not as secure as I'd hoped.  Being in a relapse and being sensitive to so my environment is challenging, to say the least. I'm glad I'm not giving up but Lord knows this is hard. Moving from where we were to where we are is progress but still uncertain and the uncertainty is probably one of the things that worries me the most, which causes panic.

I'm pushing through.

After Desiree

D's suicide post (  "Say No More: A MS Tale Of Suicide  http://supportmsawareness.blogspot.com/2015/07/say-no-more-ms-tale-of-suicide.html?m=1 ) got a huge response of condolences on facebook. When she was alive, she really didn't understand that no matter how little she had in terms of money or mobility or even mental stability or even moments without pain she had wealth in people that cared about her. Insecurity, padded with paranoia is hell on the spirit and torments the soul. In my faith, I believe that we all have contracts to fulfil here on earth, and I'd like to think that D, the MS patient, had fulfilled hers. I salute her for so many things on a spiritual level. I do.

It was at some point that she couldn't be convinced anymore that she was worth it, when pain got too severe, and when she was too aggressive and snappy to everyone for any little thing for anyone to sooth her. It wasn't nice.  But when moments were good and pain and fears took a side seat, we did have laughter when we she was in better moods. But the last time she got rude and pissed and depressed over her life and this bullshit disease called Multiple Sclerosis, she began to isolate herself as she always did (like most MS patients at some point). This was her end. And her beginning.

Not everyone is awakened to the spiritual aspects of life, but we are. Her transition from here opened up doors for others in ways one cannot imagine. I only knew her for the month of July truly, but I had been introduced to her on the phone prior on my interview for the healing house application. I came here for her so she wouldn't be the only MS patient and to get the house in order for future patients. It seems like Spirit and universe are working together because as a friend and writer, I'm here to tell her story.  I honor her and promise to give my all to the MS cause.

Now,  there is nothing cool suicide even though I understand transition. We used to watch TV and talk about MS stuff. We talked about suicide and i always told her it wasnt cool. She knew. She said our landlord had driven her nuts with being passive aggressive towards her and we would soon see that for ourselves. I dont really understand that but seemingly they have something not too good going on. Is it a scorned love affair? "D" said "hell no" when i asked about it. So did our landlord. Who knows? In the house, we are supposed to have a family theme, so nobody is Alone. Supposedly. But "D" was alone. I never saw our landlord really talk to her. Our landlord did indicate she was tired of Dealing with "D" and was going to send her a notice to vacate at the end of the month. That's scary for someone on limited income. But our landlord never thought her MS was that serious and I had to tell her it was.  Depression can be deadly, however, and sometimes no matter how many people surround you, feelings of loneliness and despair could kick in. I aim to push harder so people know suicide isn't worth it.

So here I am...living...here.  I've got so many reasons to just give up. I have no money. I feel like my ex gf/co-caretaker abandoned me without the curtacy of her/us getting therapy. My abandonment issues alone would cause me to sink lower into a pit of sadness. There is no cure for the diseases I have. I need assistance caring for myself and my children. My tax situation is messed up and the IRS is holding my funds. I don't have people who are willing to help me. My old best friend still isnt speaking to me due to my memory loss as far as I can tell. My pain level is always high. My energy is low. Nobody understands. There are many other things that depress me but regardless, I'm not giving up.

Life is a gift.  I'm a light, and I'm here on Earth to live, to grow, and to complete my work here. I am researching for a cure for MS and hopefully other illnesses. I'm excited because my elder (and spiritual mother from a previous lifetime) "V" is finally coming to stay with here so I can know for sure our bond if any. She and our landlord say I'm reunited with them from another lifetime and though I dont know how true that is, I do of course know I married my twin Flame and no matter how many "lives are involved", he's got me protected in this one and I am protecting him too. We are so far away from home and family. This is bigger that most people know. Everything is happening for a bigger purpose. The "Phoenix" is rising, true enough. I wish "D" were here to experience this, but she chose to leave and so that's that and I've got a feeling that was just the start. Life goes on one day to the next. It's a choice, after all. Life. Love. Choice. Life isnt all that bad. I will certainly be staying awhile.

Say No More, a MS tale of suicide

The coroner ruled it a overdose; "all her oxys were gone and a bunch of her morphines. They're going to try to find her son tonight. They have to seal her room." It had been a stressful life for her and she never felt like she was worth anything to anyone. She was angry and volatile, sad and lonely, and all negative energy was being pushed aside like she was. Her depression was spinning downward and she was feeling destructive towards herself and MS did a number on her and suicide was the end result. I wonder how many other times she'd comtiplated ending it all. She said she had an ex wife that she hated and a son who didn't care about her and that nobody felt she was worth anything. Those are things she said often.

"Just wanted to say goodbye to everyone I love and I don't have the time to call you all but you know who you are I'm sorry but I just can't do this shit no more love you" is what she posted on Facebook four days ago, and she was alive yesterday. Barely. No more. Finding her lifeless body was surreal. I tried my best to remain calm...stress is not good, nor did it make sense. She was gone. I will never forget her, though. When they took her away, there was question on how to notify anyone... Her son didn't even know because nobody knows her family. We only know she had a son and a father.  The lonely and painful life of a MS patient without anyone is tragic. All those pills prescribed to the average MS patient are a suicide waiting to happen because with that many pills for a patient, its not safe. Half the time a MS patient feels better off dead due to alllllll the complications. I wish she could have been stronger until help got here.  "V" indicated that her passing shows us that MS patients in the healing house will need to check in with someone at least twice a day just to make sure and must have emergency contact just in case . "V" says a lot of stuff and I've yet to see her in action face to face, but honestly not many people check on MS patients, so I doubt that'll happen.

"Most studies have documented a higher suicide rate in MSers compared to the general population, and suicide was associated with several risk factors: Depression severity, social isolation, younger age, progressive disease subtype, lower income, earlier disease course, higher levels of physical disability, and not driving.

CONCLUSIONS: Clinicians should be aware of the fact that suicidality may occur with higher frequency in MSers, the available data suggest that the risk of self-harm is higher than expected in MS patients."

I hope she's free. Its so hard to be in the world alone, and this So much has happened since I got here, and I know I'm here for all the MSers, so I need funding. We need funding so that we can have the resources to save lives. I don't want to know  that another MS patient committed suicide. Awareness saves lives.

http://consultqd.clevelandclinic.org/2015/04/suicidal-thoughts-not-uncommon-in-ms-epilepsy-patients/

"Patients with epilepsy and multiple sclerosis (MS) show high rates of depression and an increased risk for suicide. They also are more likely to think about death and self-harm than are individuals with other chronic illnesses, such as arthritis or cancer, according to a study of suicidal ideation conducted by Cleveland Clinic.

" An individual’s coping capacity is influenced by constitutional variables and resources.  The subjective thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of demoralized individuals are that they have failed to meet expectations; their own and/or other’s expectations.  They feel overmastered.  There is a feeling of being unable to cope with some pressing problem.  There are simultaneous feelings of being powerless to change a situation or to extricate themselves from a predicament.  There is a sense of isolation; a feeling of being unique and, therefore, not understood.  A common subjective experience may be characterized as follows: “I feel awful.  No one else understands it.  I’m not going to burden anybody else with how I feel.  Therefore, I’m the only one who feels like this.”  We all have coping strategies that we use to deal with what life throws our way.  And, we all have a point beyond which we no longer can cope on our own and become demoralized. " That's depressing.

http://myelitis.org/newsletters/v8n1/newsletter8-1-02.htm#.VbaRxiPnbqC

Major depressive disorder (MDD) affects 20 to 50 percent of patients with epilepsy, MS, Parkinson disease or dementia. Depression adds to their disease burden, and suicide contributes substantially to excess mortality in this population."

With statistics like that, I'm glad I am using alternative methods for my medical needs. Despair is not an option. I'm 23 days off pills and I'm still fighting for a cure. Maybe even more so now.

May she rest in peace.

What hurts the soul

I'm on edge. I've taken and witnessed too many losses this month alone all on top of each other...I'm trying to feel safe from unexpected stuff, because Lord knows my shock meter is on high. 

People promise they will always be there, but death cannot be avoided. But then, neither can life once activated. And in life we make choices.

Forgiveness is essential,  and even in my most anxious moments I have grasped wisdom. God's eternal love endures, as always .. To some, I don't even know what to say, having become speechless....to the English language at least.

I'm trying to get through so many things all at once. And my thoughts won't escape me because I'm in too much physical pain to even begin to clear my mind. Or my heart. I want to get this out, what hurts the soul.

"Dear mom,
  I may not  have always liked you but I loved you, and I never would have left you. You may not have not  always liked me, but even though you loved me, you left. One time voluntarily and once when God called you home. I probably won't get over my abandonment issues until we meet again.
Attica"

 

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

HOPE WHISPERS

When the World says give up

HOPE WHISPERS

try it one more time.

I put up with a lot of stuff.  Sometimes life can seem so hard.  I remember telling myself sometimes, "It'll be okay once I lay down in my grave; it won't hurt so bad then".  Then I have to remind myself that I've gone through my savings and I need to rebuild my wealth so that my family, at least, can put me to rest properly.  And so I remain.

There are a lot of times when I just want to walk away from it all. My life before MS was free and full and fun.  It was filled with endless opportunities and endless thrills.  But there has to be a reason behind this madness called MS.  I know that there is some way of getting rid of it, and I hope I do before I die because I do want a better quality of life again.  I want to feel whole again. I want to do things and not be afraid. I want my life back.

Hope whispers to me.  It makes me have faith in there here and now, and the future.  Hope makes me feel like things will get better.  So many families out there are suffering, but they pull through and stick together.  I do thank GOD for the fact that my family is still in tact.  Whenever I feel like just giving up, I think about all I gave up in the first place just to be here with them, and then I get over whatever feelings I was going through that would ever make me think an "exit" will make things right.  I'm not perfect, but I do have heart.  and as long as it's beating, I'll do my all in everything.  HOPE whispers "one more time", and so I pull up a chair and stay awhile.

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness