Insurance covers Big Pharma trails

Ever heard of a paper trail? Well Big Pharma trails are sort of like that. The medicine we are prescribed not only is listed at the pharmacy we go to but also leaves a trail in our bodies along with the possible side effects. I appreciate Big Pharma for how it's helped me, I just wish I could get the same results via natural herbs and holistic health care (alternative health care).

Alternative health care is not covered by my insurance as far as I know which is unfortunate because I chose that to be my primary form of treatment. A lot of my  medical health care is covered by Medicare and Medicaid and I appreciate that but the only solutions that I mostly get are pharmacudical ones which is no longer working for me since I'm really tired of the pills.

Holistic health care helps speed up the body's ability to recover quickly without the negative side effects. There us a vast difference in treatment and healing. Herbal and holistic alternatives promote a healthier lifestyle.

Some of my approaches have been to drink plenty of water, I walk more, and I get more rest/sleep. I place myself in a stress reduced environment. I eat healthier.  I take physical therapy and mental health therapy.  I take cannabis and physical therapy for pain treatment. I drink herbal tea for cold/flu. 

Beyond that there are other therapies that I'm not yet able to afford. For instance, massage therapy or Reiki would be helpful. Assistance from an herbalist and/or a naturopath would be helpful. Salt therapy is helpful. Essential oils assist greatly. I would greatly benefit from chiropractic and colon hydrotherapy as well as acupuncture and sound/vibration therapy, too.

I've come a long way from before when I was given opiates for pain treatment. My decision to refuse certain pain treatment options has greatly improved my life. However I still hurt, just not as much. Now I want to tackle the mental health pharmacudical options prescribed to me by replacing them with more natural and holistic methods. I understand that mental health is very important. I understand that the pills prescribed to me are meant to treat my ailments to the extent that I can exist in humanity as "normal" as possible. At the same time, I know that the pills are hurting me with their side effects and I'm not okay with that. I am learning tools in mental health therapy that are changing the way I approach my mental health issues and in time I hope to be off all pharmacy meds.

 

Finding myself

The whole thing about my account was a false alarm, but it showed me just how panicky I am. Not to be able to trust anyone is very hard; to be in the world in a sensitive mental state is scary.  Depression, anxiety, ptsd, trauma from it all, just everything is quite overwhelming, and I want to be "normal" again.

I remember years ago when I checked myself into an anger management program. I had to learn how to deal with my anger issues without resulting to violence.  It was hard not to just knock the heck out of someone if they rubbed me wrong, or to stop imagining doing something harmful to them; so I took the program and to this day it still works for me.  Because I know therapy works, I don't feel so helpless; so I went to a new program for victims of trauma.

I appreciate my medical team for assisting me in getting set up with this new program.  I am a complete advocate for therapy if it's to help someone.  As I stated in the video, it's a commitment but I committed to getting better for myself and for my family.  I was surprised at how many of us (in the group) were struggling financially because where we live it's expensive (but we are here primarily because our health care is very good).  It was scary being around other's as afraid as I was, but the life coach in me was able to come and give some of the women the feeling that they were not alone.  I was quite surprised, but being around a circle of women (it's female only with the exception of my dog #kochecooper ) did not freak me out.  The best part is that I felt safe and hubby was there to meet me when I got out.  That's still my one steady stability as far as my world goes at the moment.  I was afraid that hearing other women's stories would trigger something in me, but we didn't get deep into issues and so it was a really safe zone.  Day 1 of getting better, and of finding myself. 

And I didn't even cry today.

While I'm Away

So pretty much my life is in full panic mode.  I can bare a smile for my children but for the rest of the world, I stay unseen.  PTSD is horrible horrible horrible. I'm going to have to go to a trauma group (20 sessions) and hopefully I can escape this nightmare I'm in.  And now I'm on new meds AGAIN and still can't see the specialist i need to see.  And to think...I was doing so well.

I really trust nobody.  I can't help it.  The world lies to me, corners me, and is never there for me.  I want my kids in therapy but nobody listens to me.  I'm barely writing this because I want everyone to know that PTSD on top of MS pretty much has me in the worst depression ever in life.  As if that could ever happen, right? They're worried about me.  I am too.

Friggin' Nervous Breakdown.

I find moments when I can completely calm down with the help of medication to have a very simple but important conversation, then i'm back off into my world because I can't be in everyone else's world.  I only pull myself together for the important stuff then I crumble again, sometimes during. It's really hard. I'm trying to stay to myself so I won't have triggers. And I often fear someone will put me in a hospital but my doctor told me today that I'm just traumatised and nobody would do that to me for that; it's not my fault. I'm always feeling set-up, though.  Weird to explain.  I'm stuck in this place in this time with my mind and so hopefully these meds and therapy will help me out of this hell.

I love my new room.  I haven't decorated yet but I love it.  The person I wanted to help me decorate ...well, i'll have to do it by myself and i'm fine with white walls for now.  I'm too short to climb up on things and my equilibrium is a bit off so I can't stand of anything anyway.  People don't understand that.

Doc is proud of me for gaming again  I can't stay awake that long to play but I try to get in at least three days a week. I really don't want to do it but it's a part of the therapy.  I really don't want to do anything other than sleep.  And I did 8 pushups which was amazing.  Now i'm hurting but that's normal.

It's a severe weather alert going on which means I get to sleep incredibly.  I pray these new meds are not going to harm me.  I plan on using my dehydrator tomorrow to see what it can do since I have some left over veggies from my smoothies.  I've lost all kind of weight so today I forced myself to eat something other than drinking a smoothie.  I hate eating.  I hope I get out of all of this nonsense, really.  

Stupid Mindracing

Since I quit Gabapentin, I'm feeling still uneasy.  I'm more snappy with people...I really can't help it AND I'm having issues remembering people.  Initially I will pretend to know them so that it's not so awkward but I continuously look for little hints that will reveal who they are to me.  It can be embarrassing.  This is why I prefer for my team to handle it.

Once again we have a stalker.  No...not me and my husband, but one of my team mates.  This is so bothersome, that we have to get restraining orders. The entertainment industry is so filled with people who are violent and it really makes no sense.  We are filled up with words that we are offended by.  I'm doing my best to continue to keep up this blog, but it's really hard sometimes to read my own posts down the road because of all that I go through.

Mind racing is understandable.  Depression is understandable because I miss my family and money is tight at the moment with work slowing down.  I really want to get some natural stuff instead of the pills she gave me if I can't have the regular anxiety meds but I don't have the funds for that either.

I've been taking low dosage of it for a couple of months off and on over the years, here only 100mg , but now I'm kinda stuck in a depression because i'm not medicated.  Not medicated as in this month I took care of all my bills up front so the rest is earn as we go, and things are slow.  I can handle being not medicated, but I can't handle me being snappy on everyone, impatient, aggravated, etc.  I try to hide but people need me, and I understand that. Really I just want to rest but I can't get money if I don't rest.  Any little thing can set me off, so i'm trying hard to hold onto sane.  My baby is going to her 8th grade prom and miscommunication with her other parent has gotten me in a mind race. I asked everyone to be patient with me while I get myself together and I'll handle things towards the end of the month and already one of them has sent me into a panic attack and one has my mind racing and one blatantly does what I ask them not to do and one is definitely insistent that I worry about their issues and not my own and this is not peace for me.  My saving grace has been my faith.  My faith and my hope that people will stop taking for grated that without peace, I get ill.  Ain't that something, smh.

I'm happy to concentrate on my ministry again.  I have my online prayer alter room open if anyone wants to pop in and feel the love.  Sometimes I do, and it reminds me who to pray for since my mind isn't the same as it once was anyway.  I do the best I can do, ya know...and I don't forget my faith.  

Meeting Dr. Sheldon

Today I met with Dr. Sheldon. She's a really nice lady. It was easy to talk to her even with the transcriber there and Mallory in the room and of course Koche Cooper, who went with me. So dr. Sheldon and I just really talked and she asked me what some of my symptoms are and what are some of the things that I go through, and again it was really easy to talk to her. But as I began to talk to her she began to tell me what instances my diagnosis’  came into play and that helped out a lot because I know doctors have told me in the past, but I forget why they told me those things.  I just kind of take it into my personality or into my identity and speaking with Dr. Sheldon I felt safe and I could really be myself and it felt good to be in that position.

It's hard for me to deal with different doctors. There's a none trust issue that really makes it hard for them to treat me the way that they would like to treat me. Above all else I believe that’s practicing medicine and I know that everything is pretty much experimental because people are all different. We're not all the same. Multiple Sclerosis to me is not the same Multiple Sclerosis as theirs but the thing is we have a lot of similarities. There's some things that the doctor told me that I'm just going to take my time to explore and I'll see her next month

I like Mallory a lot because I don't have another female in my life to take on the feminine things that I need the feminine energy that I need. Mallory can provide a little of that female energy. The doctor talked about my abandonment issues. I didn't tell her that. I didn't tell her a lot. I spoke with her honestly and in a pretty safe mood and I was happy. It's beautiful out here in Denver .I had a really rough night last night with communication and frustration but I woke up this morning happy to be alive and thankful and in a positive space, so I didn't go to dr. Sheldon in a frantic state of mind. I mean I was my normal nervous self but I had Koche Cooper with me and it was alright.

Everyone here respects the fact that I want to go a holistic natural organic route for my treatment,  but they are appreciative that I am willing to at least try their practice and to see if it'll work for me. I'm thankful that today I'm only suffering body pain maybe at a 5 or 6 (especially my arms down to the elbows but I'm alright I am very very much all right and I know that I'm worried about my children always, but I know that I'm trying to stay here with them a little bit longer a lot bit longer and to do that I need to have someone to talk to that can help me out of the emotional entrapments that I found myself into.

I am not the same Attica Lundy That I Used to be. I'm not even the same Attica Lundy Cooper that I was in the beginning. But I am the Attica Lundy Cooper that I am today and that's alright. I am going to try my best to get On The Rise Radio and On The Rise Magazine where they need to be because it's a company that's for our future of the world honestly and especially for my children because this from me and of  me  to them and to their kids and their kids. We have 5 beautiful children that we are very very much proud of and we want to do for them and we have a beautiful grandson that we simply adore and we can't wait until we're at a stable place with my health and our finances that we can all be back together again.

Keeping The Heat Down

I live in a complex world.  I deal with a lot of people who simply refuse to do the things they are supposed to do and it sends me into panic.  Whether it's my children, my spouse, my clients, my family...the world drives me into panic.  Sometimes I hate it here---in this world.

I envision a world where people collectively as a team get the job done.  I envision a world where people around me would be just as or more organic than I am.  I envision a world of peace.  But people get upset with me when I simply ask them to do their part or what they are supposed to do so that I can do what I'm supposed.

Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Sleep Disorders, Chronic Pain, and Cancer

I'm tired.   But I'm here.

SO, I'm trying my best to be get the word out more as an advocate for safe access of the plant CANNABIS.  One way is by telling anyone that can hear me to stop calling it a drug.  It's not a drug, it's a plant. An herb.  A natural part of the earth's vegetation.  Not a drug.

I do not like that my children hear in public schools that marijuana.  LIES.

Dr. Allen Zubkin, who is Board Certified in addiction medicine in Florida, says that there is SOUND science that prooves that there are recepters for CBD (cannabidiol) in the brain.  CBD is a component in Cannabis.  So why would we have CBD receptors in the brain if it's not for us?


For whatever reason, Cabbabis is not legal in all states in the United States of America.  And it's so sad because every day someone new has cancer...breast cancer, at that. The same cancer that began the demise of my dear mother's life.  I'm sorry, but that's screwed up.  I try to tell cancer patients and family members of cancer patients the benefits of cannabis, but most of them can only focus on the "high" effects of THC, another component in cannabis.  But there are over SIXTY different components in the cannabis plant, people just need to research.

Cannabis not only helps with Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Sleep Disorders, Chronic Pain, and Cancer.

For more information on what the health benefits of cannabis, please connect with me in the comments below.  Because cannabis has not yet been made legal by the Feds in America, cannabis cannot be shipped to anyone via mail systems, so if one isn't in a legal state, they have no access.  I moved all the way from Georgia to Colorado for safe access.  People think they can't afford to come to Colorado, but if you get flight tickets about 2 or 3 months in advance, you can get them as low as $50 one way or $100 round trip.  You don't need tons and tons of baggage, it's not about wardrobe. Nobody cares if you wear the same thing every day, it's not about that.

I don't want to see anyone else die of Cancer or suffer from the medical conditions listed in the chart wheel above.  I'm doing my best to make a difference.  Let me.  Help by spreading the word.

https://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Panic Anxiety Disorder

Last month was a hard month for us emotionally. The Bennet Colorado experience was both beneficial but also harmful. Initially we felt like we made the right decision on choosing Bennett over Denver, but when you have the opportunity to be off meds for the first time in years, your judgment can be cloudy. Bennett's "unique situation" ended up being a passisve aggressive cestpool of death, isolation, loneliness, and just a whole lot of pathetic people. From having a roommate commit suicide and blaming the landlord ...the landlord being arrested for stalking the neighbor whom she claims murdered her birds, the overly emotional love-scorned so-called mystic, my health being risked by an incoming roommate with active shingles, the inconsiderate remodeling of the restroom including removal of toilet, and the fact that no matter how much we helped out and paid our bills peace was not allowed. We moved after being given two weeks notice to vacate for not agreeing to one on one solo time between the landlord, a self proclaimed "sub" into bdsm and my husband. My husband will never listen to a crazy deranged sub. The experience was really hard. I had to begin asking for outside help, and am still in relapse as of today.

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Mainly I'm having severe panic anxiety. When I was first diagnosed with MS, bipolar and panic anxiety disorder were listed as well. Later Disassociation disorder and PTSD were added. As long as my mind is occupied with relaxing thoughts or clients therapy, I'm fine but as soon as I think about my family being so many miles away or our financial situation, I'm sent into a panic. This is throughout the day everyday. Its not good at all.

Do not exacerbate a panic attack

It is possible that family members and friends will be present during an individual’s panic attack. It is imperative that family members and friends do not escalate the situation by becoming overly emotional. Instead, family members and friends can assist the person who is suffering from a panic attack by remaining calm and reassuring. This is enhanced by, as noted above, being educated about the nature of panic disorder. If family members and friends become anxious, upset, or even angry when their loved one experiences a panic attack, the individual can be adversely affected by feeling guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed. These feelings can often lead to increased anxiety, loneliness, and isolation.

Speaking with Colorado's Human Services department, my husband was able to get resource information for us. We have plans on others coming here to partner with us to lighten the load, but until that happens I can't calm down. If that happens. Thoughts of panic cloud my mind.

Looking for work with/for my husband each day and then re-evaluating the choices of possible jobs has been making me anxious. My only solace is even back in Atlanta I could have relapsed, so at least it's somewhere with safe access.

I miss my children. If I had them with me, I wouldn't hurt as much. I feel so sick inside. I hate living off disability and not being well. I just want to be well. I miss it, too.

Yesterday the doctor approved me to grow well above the normal amount of cannabis for my medical needs. It always surprises me how the doctors are pleased with how the MS is with me...how it could be worst. Cannabis has helped, but in a relapse I'm truly afraid it's not enough. I'm back on xanax and restoril and not happy about it.

Site reference credits:
http://expertbeacon.com/what-do-if-your-loved-one-having-severe-panic-attack/#.VhhPViXnbqA

After Desiree

D's suicide post (  "Say No More: A MS Tale Of Suicide  http://supportmsawareness.blogspot.com/2015/07/say-no-more-ms-tale-of-suicide.html?m=1 ) got a huge response of condolences on facebook. When she was alive, she really didn't understand that no matter how little she had in terms of money or mobility or even mental stability or even moments without pain she had wealth in people that cared about her. Insecurity, padded with paranoia is hell on the spirit and torments the soul. In my faith, I believe that we all have contracts to fulfil here on earth, and I'd like to think that D, the MS patient, had fulfilled hers. I salute her for so many things on a spiritual level. I do.

It was at some point that she couldn't be convinced anymore that she was worth it, when pain got too severe, and when she was too aggressive and snappy to everyone for any little thing for anyone to sooth her. It wasn't nice.  But when moments were good and pain and fears took a side seat, we did have laughter when we she was in better moods. But the last time she got rude and pissed and depressed over her life and this bullshit disease called Multiple Sclerosis, she began to isolate herself as she always did (like most MS patients at some point). This was her end. And her beginning.

Not everyone is awakened to the spiritual aspects of life, but we are. Her transition from here opened up doors for others in ways one cannot imagine. I only knew her for the month of July truly, but I had been introduced to her on the phone prior on my interview for the healing house application. I came here for her so she wouldn't be the only MS patient and to get the house in order for future patients. It seems like Spirit and universe are working together because as a friend and writer, I'm here to tell her story.  I honor her and promise to give my all to the MS cause.

Now,  there is nothing cool suicide even though I understand transition. We used to watch TV and talk about MS stuff. We talked about suicide and i always told her it wasnt cool. She knew. She said our landlord had driven her nuts with being passive aggressive towards her and we would soon see that for ourselves. I dont really understand that but seemingly they have something not too good going on. Is it a scorned love affair? "D" said "hell no" when i asked about it. So did our landlord. Who knows? In the house, we are supposed to have a family theme, so nobody is Alone. Supposedly. But "D" was alone. I never saw our landlord really talk to her. Our landlord did indicate she was tired of Dealing with "D" and was going to send her a notice to vacate at the end of the month. That's scary for someone on limited income. But our landlord never thought her MS was that serious and I had to tell her it was.  Depression can be deadly, however, and sometimes no matter how many people surround you, feelings of loneliness and despair could kick in. I aim to push harder so people know suicide isn't worth it.

So here I am...living...here.  I've got so many reasons to just give up. I have no money. I feel like my ex gf/co-caretaker abandoned me without the curtacy of her/us getting therapy. My abandonment issues alone would cause me to sink lower into a pit of sadness. There is no cure for the diseases I have. I need assistance caring for myself and my children. My tax situation is messed up and the IRS is holding my funds. I don't have people who are willing to help me. My old best friend still isnt speaking to me due to my memory loss as far as I can tell. My pain level is always high. My energy is low. Nobody understands. There are many other things that depress me but regardless, I'm not giving up.

Life is a gift.  I'm a light, and I'm here on Earth to live, to grow, and to complete my work here. I am researching for a cure for MS and hopefully other illnesses. I'm excited because my elder (and spiritual mother from a previous lifetime) "V" is finally coming to stay with here so I can know for sure our bond if any. She and our landlord say I'm reunited with them from another lifetime and though I dont know how true that is, I do of course know I married my twin Flame and no matter how many "lives are involved", he's got me protected in this one and I am protecting him too. We are so far away from home and family. This is bigger that most people know. Everything is happening for a bigger purpose. The "Phoenix" is rising, true enough. I wish "D" were here to experience this, but she chose to leave and so that's that and I've got a feeling that was just the start. Life goes on one day to the next. It's a choice, after all. Life. Love. Choice. Life isnt all that bad. I will certainly be staying awhile.

Freaky Friday

My Friday morning started off really freaky. On top of my pain, the fact that two different pharmacists can't or won't fill my prescriptions, and I'd lost my Zanex (the few I have left), I ended up losing my glasses. I'm in a car with 5 other members of my family having a panic attack and trying to maintain a cool composure. I'm screaming inside of my mind hoping I don't throw up. I immediatly went into one of my MS support groups and said "Sorry...gotta vent or I will burst out in tears. I don't want to talk to anyone but I have to because I have to get my 18yr old enrolled into college. I feel lightheaded. Ugh".

Immediately support came and my online friends helped me calm down. My husband also told me to just relax. I have a really great support system most times. I'm blessed that way. And my glasses were in the car near my foot. Ain't GOD GOOD?!

Misplacing things are a common occurrence in the MS Community. "White matter is the brain region underlying the gray matter cortex, composed of neuronal fibers coated with electrical insulation called myelin. Previously of interest in demyelinating diseases such as multiple sclerosis, myelin is attracting new interest as an unexpected contributor to a wide range of psychiatric disorders, including depression and schizophrenia.
This is stimulating into myelin involvement in normal cognitive function, learning and IQ. Myelination continues for decades in the human brain; it is modifiable by experience, and it affects information processing by regulating the velocity and synchrony of impulse conduction between distant cortical regions. Cell-culture molecular mechanisms regulating myelination by electrical activity, and myelin also limits the critical period for learning through inhibitory proteins that suppress axon sprouting and synaptogenesis." Is what I read in a wonderful article called White matter in learning, cognition and psychiatric disorders
By R. Douglas Fields. Great article , and you can read the rest here http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2486416/ .
It only goes to show that by MS being a demyelinating disease I'm pretty much like this until we find a cure. I mean, how in the world do you get to the point where you are demyelinating? Who does that? Us Ms'ers I suppose.

My husband's  brother and cousin are in town. I'm socially awkward and I freak out in crowds, but I sure hope I can hang out with them. After everything was said and done, I got home and looked for my meds and found them! I tried anither pharmacy and they filled my pain prescription. I still dont have my new anxiety meds or my headache meds. Something is better than nothing unless the something is bad, but right now i'm so happy.

But still, I'm fully aware of my age and my limitations. I'm 42 so I'm still young. But I'm disabled with MS and in a slight relapse. As my husband pointed out today, "We're disabled". I'm going to be realistic, though. If I can't go out, I won't. But if I do, I have my my missing meds.