Monday, May 9, 2016

Stupid Mindracing

Since I quit Gabapentin, I'm feeling still uneasy.  I'm more snappy with people...I really can't help it AND I'm having issues remembering people.  Initially I will pretend to know them so that it's not so awkward but I continuously look for little hints that will reveal who they are to me.  It can be embarrassing.  This is why I prefer for my team to handle it.

Once again we have a stalker.  No...not me and my husband, but one of my team mates.  This is so bothersome, that we have to get restraining orders. The entertainment industry is so filled with people who are violent and it really makes no sense.  We are filled up with words that we are offended by.  I'm doing my best to continue to keep up this blog, but it's really hard sometimes to read my own posts down the road because of all that I go through.

Mind racing is understandable.  Depression is understandable because I miss my family and money is tight at the moment with work slowing down.  I really want to get some natural stuff instead of the pills she gave me if I can't have the regular anxiety meds but I don't have the funds for that either.

I've been taking low dosage of it for a couple of months off and on over the years, here only 100mg , but now I'm kinda stuck in a depression because i'm not medicated.  Not medicated as in this month I took care of all my bills up front so the rest is earn as we go, and things are slow.  I can handle being not medicated, but I can't handle me being snappy on everyone, impatient, aggravated, etc.  I try to hide but people need me, and I understand that. Really I just want to rest but I can't get money if I don't rest.  Any little thing can set me off, so i'm trying hard to hold onto sane.  My baby is going to her 8th grade prom and miscommunication with her other parent has gotten me in a mind race. I asked everyone to be patient with me while I get myself together and I'll handle things towards the end of the month and already one of them has sent me into a panic attack and one has my mind racing and one blatantly does what I ask them not to do and one is definitely insistent that I worry about their issues and not my own and this is not peace for me.  My saving grace has been my faith.  My faith and my hope that people will stop taking for grated that without peace, I get ill.  Ain't that something, smh.

I'm happy to concentrate on my ministry again.  I have my online prayer alter room open if anyone wants to pop in and feel the love.  Sometimes I do, and it reminds me who to pray for since my mind isn't the same as it once was anyway.  I do the best I can do, ya know...and I don't forget my faith.  

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