Friday, June 24, 2016


So I am finally out of the PTSD episode or series of episodes that I was going through last week and I feel a lot better however I'm having a lot of chronic pain right now that is not making me feel better at all.   I have been getting exercise I want at least 8 blocks a day, I say that because the park that I go to is 2 blocks to and then two blocks from and then I do that again later in the day another two blocks to and 2  blocks from so I'm getting exercise for sure.   I don't feel like I'm overdoing it but even walking feels like I'm overdoing it.   I did a few stretches but not anything serious because I'm in pain and I get that exercising will probably help the pain but from what I'm experiencing it is definitely not helping the pain.

I'm on a muscle relaxer called after baclofen and it's 10 milligrams tablets. But those are prescribed for twice a day and because of my paranoia against Pharmaceuticals of pharmaceuticals, I only take it once a day on the days i'm brave enough to take it which is probably why I'm hurting.   I really don't know how to get past the paranoia in order to get treatment.   I am going to get some food assistance since primarily how I treat my conditions are with diet and herbs.  Because I'm still considered low-income with all of the expenses I'm not eating as healthy as I need to.   Eating unhealthy is probably causing me to not have enough nutrition.   Not having enough nutrition means that my body isn't getting what it needs.   Hopefully my case manager will be able to assist me with this tomorrow.   I'm going to make a list of all of my concerns and divide that list out to different people that handle those particular situations and my health case.  

On June 29th I have two doctors appointments the first one  is my psychologist,   and the second one is my primary care physician's office.   Physician's office because I really don't even know who my doctor is. I've only seen them once or twice.   the purpose of a primary care physician visit is to get a referral that to neurology.   There is nobody monitoring my Ms or managing it except for me.

Another thing that's causing me pain is my depression.   my daughter's family is not returning my calls like I need them to and that was the agreement.   so now I'm worried all of the time.   speak with my daughter but I need to speak with an adult that's caring for her so that I can follow up,   and I just feel like they're lines are too busy to communicate with me.   that's not going to work with me.   I've had my children all of their lives for this is the first time I've ever been away and I really expect everyone to make this as comfortable as it is as it can be for everyone.  If I have to go through it as I rather just have my daughter with me.  There's just so much I don't understand.   I'm still so upset that she didn't even make it back to me on the day that she was supposed to because she didn't get to her proper tutoring during school year and had to take a summer course,  which meant that she couldn't come to see me on our agreed date. Now her family has decided to go on a cruise which I'm happy that she can go because I can't afford a cruise but I send money every month and I can't do anything and they are really doing a lot of stuff except for calling me.   We're definitely going to have to have a meeting but first I'm going to get my daughter because I can't take any more anxiety about this situation and I never would have agreed to it had I known that I would have uncomfortable moments like this so many miles away from the ones I love.

I made a video to basically document my pain because with my memory the way it is more than likely I will forget and not have an opportunity to get help from the doctor.
One of my good friends told me the other day that I was being Manic and then I realized that I was being manic and so I'm going to have to address that with the doctors as well.   Love and light peace and blessings and  Please support MS and PTSD awareness.  PS, that’s my husband in the background playing PS4.

Monday, June 20, 2016

A Brighter Day For The Summer

It's the first day of Summer! Today will be a brighter day. I'm so blessed to have a partner I can discuss my issues with who understands that what I go through with PTSD stemmed long before he met me and that my life has had tragedies, traumas, and horrors that I simply cannot shake without medication, which I do not want to take.

I began posting about it on facebook, then decided to delete it (not before the quick screen shot) because need to read about this.

I'm fatigued. My legs and feet are tingling.  I"m honestly tired of talking about it so I think I will just try to focus on other things.   My mind has been racing for days and I really want to turn the power button off on the remote lol.  Oh, there is no remote. Or is there?  I find that distractions help keep my focus off of the flashbacks, so I try to get engrossed in online activity, especially videos on youtube. My favorite videos are DIYS, Interviews, and even movies. As I stated on the now deleted post, I am not being medicated for this. My only concern is that my blood pressure will get too high with the sudden surge of high intense emotional anger that comes about when the flashbacks occur. 

The heat of the summer brings a lot of weakness and the need for more water intake.  I'm really going to continue to focus on getting healthier despite this hiccup with my psyche. I have a lot of triggers but my soft spots are my children, so that's what I'm focusing on.  

Friday, June 17, 2016

Making MS Patients Feel Worthless is WRONG

"I have to be the one to take care of you". "Oh, you probably can't remember". "What am I going to do with you?". These are things so called loved ones say to disabled people with Multiple Sclerosis, making them feel worthless.

I know people. Home training and compassion should teach people how to handle disabled person's feelings, but it doesn't always. Some people feel the need to say this shyt to disabled people. Sadly,  this happened to me and i'm not even bedridden at the moment. "I have to do everything for you". I remember a time when I did everything for everyone else, but I didn't throw it up in their faces. I get venting, but sometimes you have to ask yourself if this is something you can handle hearing for the rest of your life, or if it's just too hard to live with. "Who else do i have to vent to?!" It's sickening to drag a disabled person through that, honestly, because they shouldn't have anyone venting to them about how difficult and burdening for them to be taken care of. That's low key abusive.

Disabled people,  senior citizens, and children have a right for honest heartfelt care. The senior and disabled come with checks, but still are treated worthless. Most times their entire check goes to their care, so they don't have much extra and are depending on others, but to what cost do they have to live through it with no dignity?

I'm saddened because it's happened to me before and it's happening to others and it needs to stop. Verbal and emotional abuse is real. Just like child protective services, there are protection services for elderly and disabled. The government will remove the person from the home and fine or jail the "abuser". Too many people get away with being mean and heartless and thoughtless to those in need of care. We much promote quality care and treatment to and for those who can't help but to rely on the assistance of others. It's okay for the disabled person to bring up their issues but it's not only mean but tacky to throw up a disabled persons downfalls to their faces; they can't help it, a**holes!

If you cannot properly care for your loved ones without being emotionally and verbally assaulting to them, seek help. Go to caretaker classes or family counseling or even volunteer training along with the standard cpr classes. Nobody should be subject to "cruelty from animals".

Just a little food for thought.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

June Gives Me Love Once Again

It's been a long time since I've been super happy, but I AM.  After so much that we've had to endure in this relocation to Colorado, we finally see the silver lining.  We have a new apartment as of June 10th; a new home.  June has always been a special month for us, for it's when we officially eloped to be wed. June 29th to be exact, so we're right on time, I think.

 We are incredibly thankful to GOD, so very grateful.  Along the way there were those who prayed for us, and those who pitched in to assist.  Living in poverty is the reality for so many chronically ill patients, and in my situation where my spouse is also my caretaker, we've not been excluded from that group of patients.  Being on my own since the age of 16 has been a true journey in itself, but now that I Am someone living with multiple sclerosis and PTSD along with a host of mental and physical conditions  including chronic pain, it's become more difficult. 

There are a lot of other things we needed aside of housing.  Housing will allow us to spend time with our children, for sure, because we have a place for them to come "home" to.  I love "home".  Home is where you make it, for sure, but being in a comfortable and conducive situation is the recipe for a happy home.  I'm striving for that. We came out here with nothing, so once again I'm having to start over.  We need a bed, a sofa, kitchen utensils/accessories, etc.  My husband is working long hours to help provide our needs, but since he's my only caregiver he is limited on what he can do and how much he can do it because he pretty much takes me wherever he goes to ensure my safety.  Until we get "there" financially, it's a struggle. But the best part is not once did he give up on me.  If he did, i'd surely be devastated and I have no idea what that relapse would entail, so I keep prayer in my marriage and in my family life. 

Joy Boy Promotions, Sir Joel Cooper, Binns Al Ndee Al Apache Tribe, and Venita Gaines pitched in first.  Then came Anthony Stuart, Broadway Smoke Shop, Teldren Young, Shanda Howard, Bernice Gardenhire, Victorious Personal and Professional Empowerment Coalition, Wayne Hobbs, and Smoketown Knave.  Most recently Genevvive Toland and Eden Lorvil have pitched in as well. 

Pitching in means assisting me in being able to LIVE with Multiple Sclerosis.  I'm 100% disabled, and now I totally get that. As much as I try to thrive in life, the disability does indeed hinder me.  COmpleting projects has been really hard, but with the assistance of my team it can happen (however i'm rebuilding my team after taking a really bad setback from betrayal).  I feel better with massage therapy to relieve my chronic pain, but again it's too difficult due to cost.  Everything costs.  Everything I need costs.  Things that I don't need due to the dangerous aftermath is pretty much free due to insurance smh.  I wish those things came with life insurance policies smh. So I ask for assistance via donations and my team (those I do have in my corner) and I will help give them exposure/promotions/advertising if they need it. I'm not asking for handouts,just sincere donations with or without expectations. 

This new apartment is the start for a happier life for me. I hope that my husband continues to work hard for his family and I hope people will care enough to help me by donating.  I hope to see ALL my children next month and if not SOME. I hope that my pain will subside (thanks to hubby for picking me up some Aporthcanna relieving body cream from Life Flower Dispensary).  I hope I'll get better.  I hope this touches someone who doesn't have a home to know that prayer and hard work works and sometimes people do pitch in to help us succeed. I hope others will see the light in me and continue to donate so that my light will not dim.  I have faith in all of this.  Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Talking With Strangers AKA Health Care System

I missed my appointment with Dr. Sheldon by 10 minutes yesterday and got turned away.  I went into severe anxiety and depression because she didn't even know anything about a letter for my service animal so that I can get into housing.  How can someone spill their entire guts to you and then you don't even remember that one of the main things holding them up in emotional turmoil is the fact that they miss their children and need housing asap?  How can you forget that you told them you could provide a letter? How can I trust her to medicate me for my conditions if she doesn't even know me, if i'm just another number on her file list.  I feel sickened. I hate confiding in strangers.  It's sad when you call your doctor a stranger, but actions speak louder than words.

Sent a letter to my temporary case manager, Geri.  :(

Of course the heat is totally making me weak.

So once I get the letter I should be okay to move.