Ever heard of a paper trail? Well Big Pharma trails are sort of like that. The medicine we are prescribed not only is listed at the pharmacy we go to but also leaves a trail in our bodies along with the possible side effects. I appreciate Big Pharma for how it's helped me, I just wish I could get the same results via natural herbs and holistic health care (alternative health care).
Alternative health care is not covered by my insurance as far as I know which is unfortunate because I chose that to be my primary form of treatment. A lot of my medical health care is covered by Medicare and Medicaid and I appreciate that but the only solutions that I mostly get are pharmacudical ones which is no longer working for me since I'm really tired of the pills.
Holistic health care helps speed up the body's ability to recover quickly without the negative side effects. There us a vast difference in treatment and healing. Herbal and holistic alternatives promote a healthier lifestyle.
Some of my approaches have been to drink plenty of water, I walk more, and I get more rest/sleep. I place myself in a stress reduced environment. I eat healthier. I take physical therapy and mental health therapy. I take cannabis and physical therapy for pain treatment. I drink herbal tea for cold/flu.
Beyond that there are other therapies that I'm not yet able to afford. For instance, massage therapy or Reiki would be helpful. Assistance from an herbalist and/or a naturopath would be helpful. Salt therapy is helpful. Essential oils assist greatly. I would greatly benefit from chiropractic and colon hydrotherapy as well as acupuncture and sound/vibration therapy, too.
I've come a long way from before when I was given opiates for pain treatment. My decision to refuse certain pain treatment options has greatly improved my life. However I still hurt, just not as much. Now I want to tackle the mental health pharmacudical options prescribed to me by replacing them with more natural and holistic methods. I understand that mental health is very important. I understand that the pills prescribed to me are meant to treat my ailments to the extent that I can exist in humanity as "normal" as possible. At the same time, I know that the pills are hurting me with their side effects and I'm not okay with that. I am learning tools in mental health therapy that are changing the way I approach my mental health issues and in time I hope to be off all pharmacy meds.
I go to a trauma group on Thursdays <rolls eyes> so that's where I am, I have 28 weeks of it. I'm a therapist that strongly believes in therapy and a lot of stuff has my mental off center so I'm getting the assistance that I need. This assists with <sigh> panic anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, ptsd, depression, bipolar disorder, paranoia, and disassociation disorder. I have multiple sclerosis and sometimes because things are not in balance, it's gets like that. And I live in America where PTSD is very common. So my breakdowns are not just my breakdowns, but also the breakdowns of our environment. We are the world. Anyway, I'm sorry I have not been vocal with most of you...but I will begin to contribute more to the mag and the radio soon---i'm just not supposed to while in therapy, is all. I roll my eyes and sigh because GOD knows I love On The Rise and I hate not working. I hate when things are stagnant because of what we stand for. And yet between MS, PTSD, and this other crap I'm fighting to put the pieces back together. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and it's nothing to be embarrassed to say I had a nervous breakdown and am working hard to get back to a more functioning Boss Lady Attica Lundy Cooper. I've got a lot on my plate, honestly, and still manic as ever. And on top of that my feet are tingling and so are my hands. My legs tingle and so do my arms. My headache has started coming back. Anyway, I have to get on a plane this weekend twice so keep me in your prayers and my destination is a secret because of my paranoia BUT I am okay and hubby's looking after me and so is my medical team.
The whole thing about my account was a false alarm, but it showed me just how panicky I am. Not to be able to trust anyone is very hard; to be in the world in a sensitive mental state is scary. Depression, anxiety, ptsd, trauma from it all, just everything is quite overwhelming, and I want to be "normal" again.
I remember years ago when I checked myself into an anger management program. I had to learn how to deal with my anger issues without resulting to violence. It was hard not to just knock the heck out of someone if they rubbed me wrong, or to stop imagining doing something harmful to them; so I took the program and to this day it still works for me. Because I know therapy works, I don't feel so helpless; so I went to a new program for victims of trauma.
I appreciate my medical team for assisting me in getting set up with this new program. I am a complete advocate for therapy if it's to help someone. As I stated in the video, it's a commitment but I committed to getting better for myself and for my family. I was surprised at how many of us (in the group) were struggling financially because where we live it's expensive (but we are here primarily because our health care is very good). It was scary being around other's as afraid as I was, but the life coach in me was able to come and give some of the women the feeling that they were not alone. I was quite surprised, but being around a circle of women (it's female only with the exception of my dog #kochecooper ) did not freak me out. The best part is that I felt safe and hubby was there to meet me when I got out. That's still my one steady stability as far as my world goes at the moment. I was afraid that hearing other women's stories would trigger something in me, but we didn't get deep into issues and so it was a really safe zone. Day 1 of getting better, and of finding myself.
I'm so hurt right now. He checked the mail and a letter from someone had come informing me that my new direct deposit would be going through. I dont know how this could be true because in reality never was able to complete the request.. I'd meant to but got the wrong info so I was going tomorrow. Today is Sunday, I'm going Monday so how can this request be in?
So I freaked out. They are closed today, so is my doctor, so is my manager. How did this happen?
People that I trust have my personal information but I handle my own business so I'm afraid someone has used my identity again.
It goes deeper than that. On a spiritual level I feel cursed and alone. Seems like I've had it bad since day one. I really have to question my existence because life cannot be this horrific. I'm terrified and it's as if I have to depend on the enemy in order to get by. I don't feel safe. I don't know who to trust. I don't know why any of this os happening to me.
My skin itches, and my legs hurt and I am huddled up in my room...'Done cried my eyes out'. I'm sick. But I won't harm myself...what, and rid myself of all this awesome torture and determination? No, apparently someone or something will surely kill me, because I just keep going and going and going on this hellish existence out if respect for my creator, the universe, and because my life is not my own to take. I'm stuck.
I thank God I have a bed to sleep in, shelter, the kitchen stuff tho meek just perfect because I have lost my desire and will to eat solid foods, but I just very healthy twice a day at least so I'm getting pure organic nutrients.
I can't stop the images now. Every bad thing and recent conversations and ...just all sorts of thoughts race through my mind right now. I do not want to talk to anyone. I want to sleep or game. I hate that I've seen movies like the terminator and like anything that brings me into more hell and violence.
This is the life of me, raw freak out moment. I'm going to take a nap. I refuse to take a xanax. I had some cannabis so I'm beginning to relax a bit.
So pretty much my life is in full panic mode. I can bare a smile for my children but for the rest of the world, I stay unseen. PTSD is horrible horrible horrible. I'm going to have to go to a trauma group (20 sessions) and hopefully I can escape this nightmare I'm in. And now I'm on new meds AGAIN and still can't see the specialist i need to see. And to think...I was doing so well.
I really trust nobody. I can't help it. The world lies to me, corners me, and is never there for me. I want my kids in therapy but nobody listens to me. I'm barely writing this because I want everyone to know that PTSD on top of MS pretty much has me in the worst depression ever in life. As if that could ever happen, right? They're worried about me. I am too.
Friggin' Nervous Breakdown.
I find moments when I can completely calm down with the help of medication to have a very simple but important conversation, then i'm back off into my world because I can't be in everyone else's world. I only pull myself together for the important stuff then I crumble again, sometimes during. It's really hard. I'm trying to stay to myself so I won't have triggers. And I often fear someone will put me in a hospital but my doctor told me today that I'm just traumatised and nobody would do that to me for that; it's not my fault. I'm always feeling set-up, though. Weird to explain. I'm stuck in this place in this time with my mind and so hopefully these meds and therapy will help me out of this hell.
I love my new room. I haven't decorated yet but I love it. The person I wanted to help me decorate ...well, i'll have to do it by myself and i'm fine with white walls for now. I'm too short to climb up on things and my equilibrium is a bit off so I can't stand of anything anyway. People don't understand that.
Doc is proud of me for gaming again I can't stay awake that long to play but I try to get in at least three days a week. I really don't want to do it but it's a part of the therapy. I really don't want to do anything other than sleep. And I did 8 pushups which was amazing. Now i'm hurting but that's normal.
It's a severe weather alert going on which means I get to sleep incredibly. I pray these new meds are not going to harm me. I plan on using my dehydrator tomorrow to see what it can do since I have some left over veggies from my smoothies. I've lost all kind of weight so today I forced myself to eat something other than drinking a smoothie. I hate eating. I hope I get out of all of this nonsense, really.
Just took a blood pressure pill; first one i've ever had in my entire life. PTSD is a horrible thing. I'm glad it's getting treated properly. Today was stressful trying to communicate with family in Atlanta, so I decided to go get the meds from the pharmacy that i've been avoiding because nothing is worth a stroke. I have to be treated apparently for my temperament because I have the inability to "turn down" on a situation and it could end up stroking me out. Anywhoo.... Anyone that knows me knows I hate pills so of course I poured half of it out before i took it. I admit it. Anyway Pills can be the cause all kinda DEATH of organs and of life and definitely quality of life (sometimes), so i'm really cautious. And yes lots of people take meds but I'm one that does not want to take meds; I just wanna live in peace and continue to heal, ya know. I thank GOD for my husband, my children, my grandchild, my dog, my granddog and his new family (hey P & E).
On a more personal note, my 4 year wedding anniversary allowed me to let bygones be bygones when it comes to past relationships and situations. As I said, I have serious issues and I am admitting that PTSD is no joke, and I will surely get to a point where I raise more awareness about it, too, for sure because think about it...soldiers come back with this so you can imagine the type of wars civilians like myself have gone through to get to this point. And yet I rise up every day the lord gives me a notion to and I live; maybe not on the standards most of society but in a way where I see my husband everyday, I have a loving and friendly (when not under fire) relationship with my children who are close and my inner circle and the world via On The Rise Magazine and On The Rise Radio. I have a voice. So with anything in my rear view, I'm wishing them well from the other side and I'm keeping it moving. Never fight and push for anything that compromises your health and your sanity, welcome deliverance, and live and love only in the light. That goes for everyone.
So I am finally out of the PTSD episode or series of episodes that I was going through last week and I feel a lot better however I'm having a lot of chronic pain right now that is not making me feel better at all. I have been getting exercise I want at least 8 blocks a day, I say that because the park that I go to is 2 blocks to and then two blocks from and then I do that again later in the day another two blocks to and 2 blocks from so I'm getting exercise for sure. I don't feel like I'm overdoing it but even walking feels like I'm overdoing it. I did a few stretches but not anything serious because I'm in pain and I get that exercising will probably help the pain but from what I'm experiencing it is definitely not helping the pain.
I'm on a muscle relaxer called after baclofen and it's 10 milligrams tablets. But those are prescribed for twice a day and because of my paranoia against Pharmaceuticals of pharmaceuticals, I only take it once a day on the days i'm brave enough to take it which is probably why I'm hurting. I really don't know how to get past the paranoia in order to get treatment. I am going to get some food assistance since primarily how I treat my conditions are with diet and herbs. Because I'm still considered low-income with all of the expenses I'm not eating as healthy as I need to. Eating unhealthy is probably causing me to not have enough nutrition. Not having enough nutrition means that my body isn't getting what it needs. Hopefully my case manager will be able to assist me with this tomorrow. I'm going to make a list of all of my concerns and divide that list out to different people that handle those particular situations and my health case.
On June 29th I have two doctors appointments the first one is my psychologist, and the second one is my primary care physician's office. Physician's office because I really don't even know who my doctor is. I've only seen them once or twice. the purpose of a primary care physician visit is to get a referral that to neurology. There is nobody monitoring my Ms or managing it except for me.
Another thing that's causing me pain is my depression. my daughter's family is not returning my calls like I need them to and that was the agreement. so now I'm worried all of the time. speak with my daughter but I need to speak with an adult that's caring for her so that I can follow up, and I just feel like they're lines are too busy to communicate with me. that's not going to work with me. I've had my children all of their lives for this is the first time I've ever been away and I really expect everyone to make this as comfortable as it is as it can be for everyone. If I have to go through it as I rather just have my daughter with me. There's just so much I don't understand. I'm still so upset that she didn't even make it back to me on the day that she was supposed to because she didn't get to her proper tutoring during school year and had to take a summer course, which meant that she couldn't come to see me on our agreed date. Now her family has decided to go on a cruise which I'm happy that she can go because I can't afford a cruise but I send money every month and I can't do anything and they are really doing a lot of stuff except for calling me. We're definitely going to have to have a meeting but first I'm going to get my daughter because I can't take any more anxiety about this situation and I never would have agreed to it had I known that I would have uncomfortable moments like this so many miles away from the ones I love.
I made a video to basically document my pain because with my memory the way it is more than likely I will forget and not have an opportunity to get help from the doctor.
One of my good friends told me the other day that I was being Manic and then I realized that I was being manic and so I'm going to have to address that with the doctors as well. Love and light peace and blessings and Please support MS and PTSD awareness. PS, that’s my husband in the background playing PS4.
Today I met with Dr. Sheldon. She's a really nice lady. It was easy to talk to her even with the transcriber there and Mallory in the room and of course Koche Cooper, who went with me. So dr. Sheldon and I just really talked and she asked me what some of my symptoms are and what are some of the things that I go through, and again it was really easy to talk to her. But as I began to talk to her she began to tell me what instances my diagnosis’ came into play and that helped out a lot because I know doctors have told me in the past, but I forget why they told me those things. I just kind of take it into my personality or into my identity and speaking with Dr. Sheldon I felt safe and I could really be myself and it felt good to be in that position.
It's hard for me to deal with different doctors. There's a none trust issue that really makes it hard for them to treat me the way that they would like to treat me. Above all else I believe that’s practicing medicine and I know that everything is pretty much experimental because people are all different. We're not all the same. Multiple Sclerosis to me is not the same Multiple Sclerosis as theirs but the thing is we have a lot of similarities. There's some things that the doctor told me that I'm just going to take my time to explore and I'll see her next month
I like Mallory a lot because I don't have another female in my life to take on the feminine things that I need the feminine energy that I need. Mallory can provide a little of that female energy. The doctor talked about my abandonment issues. I didn't tell her that. I didn't tell her a lot. I spoke with her honestly and in a pretty safe mood and I was happy. It's beautiful out here in Denver .I had a really rough night last night with communication and frustration but I woke up this morning happy to be alive and thankful and in a positive space, so I didn't go to dr. Sheldon in a frantic state of mind. I mean I was my normal nervous self but I had Koche Cooper with me and it was alright.
Everyone here respects the fact that I want to go a holistic natural organic route for my treatment, but they are appreciative that I am willing to at least try their practice and to see if it'll work for me. I'm thankful that today I'm only suffering body pain maybe at a 5 or 6 (especially my arms down to the elbows but I'm alright I am very very much all right and I know that I'm worried about my children always, but I know that I'm trying to stay here with them a little bit longer a lot bit longer and to do that I need to have someone to talk to that can help me out of the emotional entrapments that I found myself into.
I am not the same Attica Lundy That I Used to be. I'm not even the same Attica Lundy Cooper that I was in the beginning. But I am the Attica Lundy Cooper that I am today and that's alright. I am going to try my best to get On The Rise Radio and On The Rise Magazine where they need to be because it's a company that's for our future of the world honestly and especially for my children because this from me and of me to them and to their kids and their kids. We have 5 beautiful children that we are very very much proud of and we want to do for them and we have a beautiful grandson that we simply adore and we can't wait until we're at a stable place with my health and our finances that we can all be back together again.
Last month was a hard month for us emotionally. The Bennet Colorado experience was both beneficial but also harmful. Initially we felt like we made the right decision on choosing Bennett over Denver, but when you have the opportunity to be off meds for the first time in years, your judgment can be cloudy. Bennett's "unique situation" ended up being a passisve aggressive cestpool of death, isolation, loneliness, and just a whole lot of pathetic people. From having a roommate commit suicide and blaming the landlord ...the landlord being arrested for stalking the neighbor whom she claims murdered her birds, the overly emotional love-scorned so-called mystic, my health being risked by an incoming roommate with active shingles, the inconsiderate remodeling of the restroom including removal of toilet, and the fact that no matter how much we helped out and paid our bills peace was not allowed. We moved after being given two weeks notice to vacate for not agreeing to one on one solo time between the landlord, a self proclaimed "sub" into bdsm and my husband. My husband will never listen to a crazy deranged sub. The experience was really hard. I had to begin asking for outside help, and am still in relapse as of today.
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Mainly I'm having severe panic anxiety. When I was first diagnosed with MS, bipolar and panic anxiety disorder were listed as well. Later Disassociation disorder and PTSD were added. As long as my mind is occupied with relaxing thoughts or clients therapy, I'm fine but as soon as I think about my family being so many miles away or our financial situation, I'm sent into a panic. This is throughout the day everyday. Its not good at all.
Do not exacerbate a panic attack
It is possible that family members and friends will be present during an individual’s panic attack. It is imperative that family members and friends do not escalate the situation by becoming overly emotional. Instead, family members and friends can assist the person who is suffering from a panic attack by remaining calm and reassuring. This is enhanced by, as noted above, being educated about the nature of panic disorder. If family members and friends become anxious, upset, or even angry when their loved one experiences a panic attack, the individual can be adversely affected by feeling guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed. These feelings can often lead to increased anxiety, loneliness, and isolation.
Speaking with Colorado's Human Services department, my husband was able to get resource information for us. We have plans on others coming here to partner with us to lighten the load, but until that happens I can't calm down. If that happens. Thoughts of panic cloud my mind.
Looking for work with/for my husband each day and then re-evaluating the choices of possible jobs has been making me anxious. My only solace is even back in Atlanta I could have relapsed, so at least it's somewhere with safe access.
I miss my children. If I had them with me, I wouldn't hurt as much. I feel so sick inside. I hate living off disability and not being well. I just want to be well. I miss it, too.
Yesterday the doctor approved me to grow well above the normal amount of cannabis for my medical needs. It always surprises me how the doctors are pleased with how the MS is with me...how it could be worst. Cannabis has helped, but in a relapse I'm truly afraid it's not enough. I'm back on xanax and restoril and not happy about it.
I haven't been writing as much as I planned to. Depression and anxiety disrupted my peace of mind.
After I got my daughter situated, my son who is attending freshman semester of college ran into some snags. He needed a laptop. He needed parking for school. He needed food money. On an income that's as low as mine, its been hard to manage but doable... Until now.
So I'm all the way out here in Colorado and my kids are all the way in Georgia and where I am in Bennett, Colorado is nowhere near any possible jobs or public transportation. After a lot of issues here, we are moving closer to Denver and then maybe we can progress more to the point where not only am I healthy but we can help more financially with our children.
Multiple Sclerosis patients go through a lot, as do PTSD patients. Having both of those along with other psychological issues stemming from those is so hard to manage in a stressful environment. Unfortunately, living with others who don't understand that has been toxic to my recovery. Caring for someone with multiple sclerosis (MS) involves unique stresses and uncertainties. The disease is unpredictable. Caregivers may not know from one week to the next how MS will affect the patient. The patient may experience dramatic mood swings. They may also confront new physical challenges that could require changes to their environment. My main symptom has been severe anxiety. Most anxiety is not caused by medical problems. Anxiety is a mental health disease, and it's often created through a combination of life experiences, coping ability, and genetics. But in some cases anxiety can be caused by something physically wrong, and one example of such an issue is multiple sclerosis.
Multiple sclerosis, or MS, is a terrifying disease. While generally rare (1 in every 1,000 women, and 1 in every 3,000 men), the illness can cause a host of physical problems, and unfortunately anxiety is one of them. I go around others and smile and small talk then as soon as I can I escape back to safety in my room.
One of the best first steps as a caregiver is staying calm and assessing what you need to support your loved one. I needed more isolation away from others in our room so he did what was needed. (Sigh) But the things I have learned and experienced have been beneficial to my recovery as well.
During the time when things started looking south, a group of women that I befriended, began bonding with, and began gifting free counciling with online began to form sisterhood with me. They helped me get through some tough times and are still with me. Jesus (my husband Rafael) spends 24 hours a day with me since our co-partner left, but lately he's had a little break somewhat so he can get some of our business done because they have been keeping me company and calm. By allowing me to help them, I'm able to distract myself from my own stressors. Things had been getting bad. Raf's car accident (when he got hit twice back to back on purpose with the car that his ex friend "B" was driving) began making his body hurt when he did work around the Bennett house which made him not be able to do as much for the house as planned before, which was part of our agreement for staying here, so it became one of the problems at the house anyway. People acted like he was lazy, but really his body hurt and he doesn't have insurance and his main priority is me, and nobody else here cares about his health but me. We paid our rent, deposits, utilities, gas money, and labor to work off some of the tincture and phoenix tears oil for my treatment and gave it a try but clearly it wasn't working out. There's a lot more to it, but basically it began to come to a head because On 9/12/15 the other male tenant came and asked me if my husband could pull some weeds out back since they were having a cookout. It was Auset day (Saturday) so i told him we couldn't because we had made plans already. Well, bad news came on our phone from our family and I'd sent off a text message about a death in our family and I also had tremors and we couldn't make it to the cookout to our landlord but got no response, on 9/14/15 there was attitude towards Raf, and our landlord requested a private meeting with him which we declined because she seemed hostile and actually told me that what she had to say to him she didn't want me to hear because it wasn't nice.... and 9/15/15 we got requests for the landlord to speak with my husband privately again and when we refused to do solo talks with just him and her due to the need of a witness she said if she couldn't have a private talk with him then we needed to vacate in two weeks, on that same day 9/15/15 we received notice to vacate. Its a long story leading up to that but long story short, its time to move on.
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The last day here according to the email is 9/30/15. Funds are non existent at the moment as far as I can tell but we will find a way. Some nice sisters have pledged to help us out since this was unexpected, so I'm grateful but still a bit afraid until the funds actually arrive. So much to catch up on in future posts, I've been quiet out of fear of backlash but this is what's been going on with me. The IRS still won't release our funds and I am just so tired of identity theft. My debit card company had to re-issue my new card because someone got it before it got to me. All these financial issues with money we have that won't be released or is somehow blocked... Gotta be a blessing around the corner somewhere, I think. Thank GOD my oldest and his girlfriend are bringing new life into the world soon. I'm so happy to be a grandmother! So with the bad, there is still light.
I've got a headache but we did stock up on food earlier when we had access to transportation so for now we are eating too.
Had I still had the children with me, we would have made different decisions but since my health is the focus and the kids are safe and sound in Georgia, we can move around more freely...so as long as they are alright I know we can make it through. This is just a little hiccup on the road to recovery, and hiccups do go away. :)
The last day here according to the email is 9/30/15. Funds are non existent at the moment as far as I can tell but we will find a way. Some nice sisters have pledged to help us out since this was unexpected, so I'm greatful but still a bit afraid until the funds actually arrive. So much to catch up on in future posts, I've been quiet out of fear of backlash but this is what's been going on with me. The IRS still won't release our funds and I am just so tired of identity theft. My debit card company had to re-issue my new card because someone got it before it got to me. All these financial issues with money we have that won't be released or is somehow blocked... Gotta be a blessing around the corner somewhere, I think. Thank GOD my oldest and his girlfriend are bringing new life into the world soon. I'm so happy to be a grandmother! So with the bad, there is still light.
I've got a headache but we did stock up on food earlier when we had access to transportation so for now we are eating too.
Had I still had the children with me, we would have made different decisions but since my health is the focus and the kids are safe and sound in Georgia, we can move around more freely...so as long as they are alright I know we can make it through. This is just a little hiccup on the road to recovery, and hiccups do go away. :)
It's funny, I've always been such free spirit. Being human and having Multiple Sclerosis, however, has grounded me. I'm humble. I've fought for this. I fight for this. LIFE. ALIVE. AWARE. AWAKE. INVOLVED.
Sometimes I think of how lucky I am. My middle son just graduated from high school and though he's a bit upset with me, he know's how much I love him and I know that I'm doing the right thing. My oldest son is 23 today, and though he has to spend this day in a time where the struggle is real, he knows we do our best with what we have and that we will be here for him in the end. My daughter is still sleeping, and I want her to get some rest because the day may be long and worn. My other daughter is having breakfast, and getting in gear for the day. My girlfriend is here beside me working diligently on her phone. My husband is off to the market to help us get restocked on food. This is calming me...the fact that I know where everyone is and I know that everyone is safe. When I don't know their status, I feel ill. Isn't that crazy, that my body would attack me for not knowing that my family is alright?
Even with all my loved ones near my side, I cannot get rid of this headache. My prescription headache medicine costs too much. My insurance company won't cover the full cost of my medication, Fioricet. which costs $145.79 with my insurance. We've taken cut-backs and done what we can, but affordable health care is still an issue. I'm still trying to come up with utility bill money because where we live there's a leak that the landlord has not fixed yet. With so much going on it's a wonder I'm not in more of a relapse, but I'm thankful and I appreciate GOD's grace. This is hard. And it hurts. I'm not talking about a regular headache/head pain, either. These are pains that go through my head like an electric lightening rod. Surges of pain (like brain zaps) go through my head and I can't afford treatment to stop it. Vascular or migraine type headaches have even been reported as the first symptom of MS.
When you have multiple sclerosis, also known as MS, the signals between your brain and spinal cord go awry, which can result in pain, fatigue, and reduced mobility as the disease progresses. Some people with MS have only a few symptoms of the disorder, while others have many. You also may find that your MS symptoms come and go while others find them long-lasting. "What's surprising about MS symptoms is that they can affect so many different functions that people rely on every day in their lives," says Rosalind Kalb, PhD, a clinical psychologist and vice president of the Professional Resource Center at the National Multiple Sclerosis Society in New York. "Some are physical, some emotional, and some intellectual. We tend to focus on the ones we can all see, but many people may be living with a variety of symptoms that just aren't apparent." Here are some less obvious signs of MS.
People don't realize how hard having Multiple Sclerosis is. Alongside it, I have chronic pain that keeps my pain level at at least an 8 at any given time. And fatigue. And emotional ups and downs. My entire body hurts, so i'm on all kinds of pills for pain but none of the pain pills stop my head pain. For three years straight, I had headaches and took BC powder three times a day or more to ease the pain. I went on a 45 day organic raw diet and poof: headaches were gone. Money got tight and I had to eat a lot of non-organic foods, and now the headaches are back. I'm on six different medications and not one will ease my head pain. I don't have money to buy BC Powder. This is not a good day for me. This is not how I wanted to spend my son's birthday, but this is where I am.
I feel trapped inside of my mind. I used to be able to afford having Multiple Sclerosis, but now it's hard to earn any money while being disabled. I'm praying someone will help me pay for the headache medicine. I'm trusting that my doctor is recommending the best treatment for me. I just need a little help getting it.
One thing I've always had was the opportunity to have companionship.....With that being said....
I saw this picture two days ago and immediately thought of that horrible day in 2004 when my cousin Sandy and I received my diagnosis with my then boyfriend "D" [I won't say his name out of respect for him and whatever his current situation is today. He's a good man. ] in the hospital . As soon as Dr. Richard Stappenbeck [ who is currently still my MS Doctor/Neurologist/Healer/Shrink/Friend (I can say friend because he really is one of the few people I love and trust). ] introduced himself and gave me the horrible findings of the MRI scan that displayed at least seven brain lesions that were the result of Multiple Sclerosis. As much as my memory is faded nowadays, I remember at some point looking at "D" and in tears slurring that I know he didn't sign up for this. He reassured me that his love was with me and that he wasn't going to leave me because of this. He kept his word, too. We lived together as partners until I left in 2006 when I felt our relationship could go no further. I honestly didn't want to die unhappy, and that's what I was even throughout the love. GOD had another plan.
Nine years later I'm where I belong, with whom I belong. This love, unlike that one, is a premeditated commitment because I came into it already living with MS. I came in knowing already what kind of life I needed to live, knowing what kind of environment would be best for me, and knowing GOD's plan for us. Anyone who wants to be in a relationship with someone living with MS should already know the physical complications that arise not only from MS, but also with the psychological sub-diseases that come about or are amplified and the emotional roller coaster that is MS.
Those who are in my life know that I love them. One of the most sincere things I can say to someone is "I love You". Love holds weight. Love is why sometimes I'm able to come up out of my hard angry shell and allow light to come in even if it's coming from the darkest corners of my mind. I may not be able to do things that people would want me to do, but I am able to love them. I love you. I'm able to live a complete and satisfying life because I'm secure in knowing the people whom I give my heart to return my love with theirs because they have chosen to love me despite my illnesses. And that's BIG. It's HUGE. It truly means a lot.
I suffer from PTSD. I had a mental breakdown just this morning, so as casual as it may seem, I'm really struggling with things. I have these breakdowns a lot lately, unfortunately. I hate this, but my loved ones love me through it, which helps me love myself more. I mean...I could have acquired PTSD from any number of occurrences in my lifetime that would be considered traumatic. As far as Multiple Sclerosis, yes...receiving a diagnosis of having a life threatening illness and the promise of having more severe medical conditions arising from it is pretty traumatic to say the least. My inner-environment is so sensitive that any little thing could throw me into a post traumatic stress disorder attack, or worst.
Sometimes I push loved ones away. I need a certain level of personal space and honestly anyone who wants a relationship with me has to understand that the primary person in my life is my husband, Rafael, whom we call Jesus. Jesus and I are best friends, and he is the only person I can feel safe with laying my head down to sleep. He made the commitment to me that nobody else could make, and for that I love him always. As I become more and more disabled (for the rest of my life), he's promised to be there (for the rest of my life). I dedicate my life, and this blog, to him, my wonderful husband.
Lately my tolerance level is bad. Little things trigger me into feeling sad or hostile or despair,etc. It's one thing to have racing thoughts, and another to have utter annoyances that darn near drive me nuts. I'm trying to practice "getting over it" but in all honesty I'm getting fed up.
Like, one day I was playing a game. Someone wanted to play my hand so i said "sure". They scored lower for me then higher for someone else and I got sad and hurt I now get sad super quick or mad or scared or nervous. I also have PTSD. Anyway, because I could have played my own hand and got a better score, it actually hurt . I felt like I was wronged, not on purpose but definitely directed in the wrong way. . Like normal and I noticed the scoring system. It went all bad when my scores weren't what I wanted them to be, we played as a team. I feel "spoiled" because I get ready to throw a temper tantrum....not outloud but inside of my head. I have no patience for my friends. I really want time alone away from everyone because people can't help but to piss me off. Every little thing requires me practice "getting over it". My thing is, lets deal with it. Everyone says MS patients over-react but i think we react as we should and if anything we have to turn down and tell people what's really going on. Oh, and there is Xanax to save the day.....and I hate meds. But That's what people push us towards. "DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDS", they ask. I want to reply "Yes, thank-you. Did you take Your meds?" But sadly most are not on meds, just overly judgmental.
MS has me super sensitive. And people get mad when I'm sensitive so I'm learning to keep quiet and just let it drive me crazy inside of my head.
