Saturday, May 9, 2015

I love you

One thing I've always had was the opportunity to have companionship.....With that being said....  

I saw this picture two days ago and immediately thought of that horrible day in 2004 when my cousin Sandy and I received my diagnosis with my then boyfriend "D" [I won't say his name out of respect for him and whatever his current situation is today.  He's a good man. ] in the hospital .  As soon as Dr. Richard Stappenbeck [ who is currently still my MS Doctor/Neurologist/Healer/Shrink/Friend (I can say friend because he really is one of the few people I love and trust).  ] introduced himself and gave me the horrible findings of the MRI scan that displayed at least seven brain lesions that were the result of Multiple Sclerosis.  As much as my memory is faded nowadays, I remember at some point looking at "D" and in tears slurring that I know he didn't sign up for this.  He reassured me that his love was with me and that he wasn't going to leave me because of this.  He kept his word, too.  We lived together as partners until I left in 2006 when I felt our relationship could go no further.  I  honestly didn't want to die unhappy, and that's what I was even throughout the love.  GOD had another plan.

Nine years later I'm where I belong, with whom I belong.  This love, unlike that one, is a premeditated commitment because I came into it already living with MS.  I came in knowing already what kind of life I needed to live, knowing what kind of environment would be best for me, and knowing GOD's plan for us.  Anyone who wants to be in a relationship with someone living with MS should already know the physical complications that arise not only from MS, but also with the psychological sub-diseases that come about or are amplified and the emotional roller coaster that is MS.  

Those who are in my life know that I love them.  One of the most sincere things I can say to someone is "I love You".  Love holds weight.  Love is why sometimes I'm able to come up out of my hard angry shell and allow light to come in even if it's coming from the darkest corners of my mind. I may not be able to do things that people would want me to do, but I am able to love them.  I love you.  I'm able to live a complete and satisfying life because I'm secure in knowing the people whom I give my heart to return my love with theirs because they have chosen to love me despite my illnesses.  And that's BIG.  It's HUGE.  It truly means a lot. 

I suffer from PTSD.  I had a mental breakdown just this morning, so as casual as it may seem, I'm really struggling with things.  I have these breakdowns a lot lately, unfortunately.   I hate this, but my loved ones love me through it, which helps me love myself more. I mean...I could have acquired PTSD from any number of occurrences in my lifetime that would be considered traumatic.  As far as Multiple Sclerosis, yes...receiving a diagnosis of having a life threatening illness and the promise of having more severe medical conditions arising from it is pretty traumatic to say the least.  My inner-environment is so sensitive that any little thing could throw me into a post traumatic stress disorder attack, or worst.   

Sometimes I push loved ones away.  I need a certain level of personal space and honestly anyone who wants a relationship with me has to understand that the primary person in my life is my husband, Rafael, whom we call Jesus.  Jesus and I are best friends, and he is the only person I can feel safe with laying my head down to sleep.  He made the commitment to me that nobody else could make, and for that I love him always.  As I become more and more disabled (for the rest of my life), he's promised to be there (for the rest of my life).  I dedicate my life, and this blog, to him, my wonderful husband.  

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