Friday, March 27, 2015

What hurts the soul

I'm on edge. I've taken and witnessed too many losses this month alone all on top of each other...I'm trying to feel safe from unexpected stuff, because Lord knows my shock meter is on high. 
People promise they will always be there, but death cannot be avoided. But then, neither can life once activated. And in life we make choices.

Forgiveness is essential,  and even in my most anxious moments I have grasped wisdom. God's eternal love endures, as always .. To some, I don't even know what to say, having become the English language at least.

I'm trying to get through so many things all at once. And my thoughts won't escape me because I'm in too much physical pain to even begin to clear my mind. Or my heart. I want to get this out, what hurts the soul.

"Dear mom,
  I may not  have always liked you but I loved you, and I never would have left you. You may not have not  always liked me, but even though you loved me, you left. One time voluntarily and once when God called you home. I probably won't get over my abandonment issues until we meet again.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Getting over it

Lately my tolerance level is bad. Little things trigger me into feeling sad or hostile or despair,etc. It's one thing to have racing thoughts, and another to have utter annoyances that darn near drive me  nuts. I'm trying to practice "getting over it" but in all honesty I'm getting fed up.
Like, one day I was playing a game. Someone wanted to play my hand so i said "sure". They scored lower for me then higher for someone else and I got sad and hurt I now get sad super quick or mad or scared or nervous.  I also have PTSD.  Anyway, because I could have played my own hand and got a better score, it actually hurt . I felt like I was wronged,  not on purpose but definitely directed in the wrong way. . Like normal and I noticed the scoring system.  It went all bad when my scores weren't what I wanted them to be, we played as a team. I feel "spoiled" because I get ready to throw a temper tantrum....not outloud but inside of my head. I have no patience for my friends. I really want time alone away from everyone because people can't help but to piss me off. Every little thing requires me practice "getting over it". My thing is, lets deal with it. Everyone says MS patients over-react but i think we react as we should and if anything we have to turn down and tell people what's really going on. Oh, and there is Xanax to save the day.....and I hate meds. But That's what people push us towards. "DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDS", they ask. I want to reply "Yes, thank-you. Did you take Your meds?" But sadly most are not on meds, just overly judgmental.
MS has me super sensitive.  And people get mad when I'm sensitive so I'm learning to keep quiet and just let it drive me crazy inside of my head. 
Such is life of a MS-er

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Pain On Fleek 2

I'm having a rough time at 2:44am. I'm completely in pain. My fingers and palms hurt the most, then my arms up past my wrists. Then my neck. And my back. My feet hurt. My butt  cheeks are sore. My thighs burn a bit. My nose is sore. So is my elbow and hip. This is "normal". 

I'm so pissed because I had to take a pill to sleep and for pain. Tezapham.   My pain is on  fleek"  x 2!

I've not been on pills for some weeks because I'm trying to detox my body...lbut tonight I have no choice. I'm hurting beyond simply ignoring it. I think my stress has caught up to me so now I lay in bed suffering thinking of dying perhaps. 

 That's why I took the pill, so I won't want to die. Honestly I want to live,'s just the pain is severe. My mind is racing.

There was this Danish study of suicide among the MS community. 
" Results: In all, 115 persons (63 men, 52 women) had taken their own lives, whereas the expected number of suicides was 54.2 (29.1 men, 25.1 women). Thus the suicide risk among persons with multiple sclerosis was more than twice that of the general population (SMR = 2.12). The increased risk was particularly high during the first year after diagnosis (SMR = 3.15)."

 I can see that. Though I of all people will Never commit suicide (my favorite cousin broke my heart when he did), it seems a reasonable escape... to be void of this pain. 

This pain sucks. People are too sore themselves to give me the quality of life I need with massage and money is too scarce to give me the proper diet I need completely.  I'm not going to do myself in but something has to change soon. 

  Insurance won't cover massage therapy, only pills/narcotics. I am doing a fundraiser but I know that takes time because Ms is one of those invisible diseases.  I'm going to have to spread more awareness,  door to door if I have to. We need assistance but nobody wants to help. 
Prayer for me getting a cure for this MS monster. It's literally killing me.

Works cited