More nerve pain - Trigeminal Neuralgia

My gums made me want to physically pull every tooth I have in my mouth to avoid anymore pain, especially the bottom row. But...this is not a dental issue. It's a nerve issue stemming from my right temple to my lower right jaw throughout my gums. I feel like it's killing me. I've had Bursts of tears so forceful that I feared my head would explode. Loud sobbing and even near screaming. It's horrible. For hours my gums hurt, it hurts and I keep putting ambesol in my mouth, I brush my teeth with a soft brush with organic toothpaste, I take Tylenol, and a heating pad. I even more weed. I'm feel like I'm about to pull my hair out...but I won't because All of this is very temporary.

Trigeminal neuralgia is a kind of nerve pain which can give stabbing or burning sensations down the side of the face, usually on one side only. The pain may only last a few seconds or minutes but may repeat many times during an attack. For some people the face pain is present all the time. Trigeminal neuralgia can be excruciatingly painful.

Trigeminal neuralgia is more common in multiple sclerosis than in the general population and can be confused with dental pain. If you are experiencing these symptoms, you should be assessed to see if it is a symptom of your MS especially before you consider any major dental work. The dentist says it may be MS related.

The pain can be triggered by every day activities such as eating, shaving, talking or by being out in even a light breeze. Noticing any triggers can help you manage the pain by avoiding them where possible. Treatment is usually with a drug called carbamazepine to begin with. If drug treatments are not working, surgery may be an option.

I'm going to call my Dr and/or nurse this morning to see what can be done about this. I'm going to specifically ask about carbamazepine because this is no way to live and I've got to be here. I want to be here. I'm fighting to live. Please support MS awareness.

Meds

I'm thinking about all the meds I've been on.  though i've been living with MS nearly prescription free, there are still some pills I could do without.  The Zanex and the Loratab for one.  I know I complain a lot, but I'm just trying to be more voiceful while I can.

These are loretabs and zanex. I'm prescribed each of them three times per day. Just with those two alone, what kind of quality of life us this?

I'm raising funding so I can have my life back.  I talk about this so you can see my pain.  I find that with the right diet, with massage therapy, with the right environment, and with natural and organic alternatives I CAN TAKE LESS MEDS AND GET BETTER.

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

What Does It Look Like

I hear a lot of MS patients saying that they are tired of hearing such phrases as “but you don’t look sick” or “just take a nap and you will feel better”?  I'm tired of it, too.  I am sick and taking a nap may or not make me feel better, but I will still have MS either way.  Even if I do take a nap, I'm going to wake up and be tired all over again.  It can be hard to find people to talk to that truly know how I am feeling and when they say “I get it”, to know that really do. 

But I am not alone. There are thousands of others who are feeling, struggling, warring with all the same things I am going through.  I'm just weirded out by this "invisible" disease.

I say "invisible" because for the life of me, I can't find an accurate picture of what MS looks like (aside from the MRI readings).  What does "I'm tired and do not feel like moving and have no motivation to even go downstairs" look like?  If it looks like lazy, then you're looking at it wrong because in my mind, I'm accomplishing all kinds of things. 

I've seen on a MS blog "Having an invisible chronic illness  can leave you feeling adrift in a turbulent sea of confusing emotions. Anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and hopelessness can all vie for a front row seat in your daily struggle to live a happy, productive life.".  I agree.  But at least writing about it begins to shed some light into my world.

I honestly think stress is what is causing me to not be able to fully snap back into "life" as I normally would. I have spurts of energy when I will walk from room to room in the house and be a part of things (I cooked grits and fist today), but hours later I will just want to relax.  It's good that my family is always nearby.  

In researching, I've found that exercise is helpful.  I used to walk a lot and have not been doing so.  It's good to have a walking buddy to ensure that you are safe and do not fall, if you are having symptoms.  Also, diet can make you feel better; vegetables, fruits, water, fish, nuts, etc.  

I'll need massage therapy.  With exercise, there is more pain.  But I know GOD willing, help will come soon. 

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Brief Relief

I haven't posted lately.
 
It seems that with recent changes in my life came a bit of unforeseen drama to the twelfth hour. Its almost water under the bridge now, but the impact of stress in my life does a whopper on my system. I've been in a lot of pain, mainly from tension.

Also, my lack of reflexes on acknowledgement of "HOT" items such as the stove (ouch) and an iron ( yikes ) has lifted me from cooking and ironing. The wounds from the iron are healing, however my brain seems to think its more than a simple wound and has my entire left arm from fingertip to neck locking up, having spasms, sharp pains, knots, and more.

Thankfully the family has been helping me by giving me massages, but honestly my caretaker (hubby) is getting worn down. Its not easy keeping me comfortable. With him working full time now and having to see about me in his off hours and throughout the day (phone and text)...

We've been trying something new; there's a new family member that also acts as caretaker here things are working out well (extended family). We all take care of each other. that's the best thing about family. it took me awhile to trust her because my husband is all I knew in terms of someone that actually cares about me enough to put my health first, but she is wonderful. she helps prepare my meals is she really helps with the kids and we help with her child as well...it really is a really good family situation and I'm happy. 

I'm hoping to begin writing again I'm using a voice app that helps me relay my thoughts into text so that's good. https://dictation.io/ I've been writing this one since May 12th, 2014 so I guess is about time to go ahead and publish and then I'll try to be more forthcoming with my posts since I do have this voice app. I love all of you very much for tuning into my blog and for following my progress and hopefully we'll find a cure for MS one day soon. 

Peace

Please donate to my fundraiser.  Thanks!

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Temper Surrender

I've become aware of the "temper" problem that I have.  Something comes over me...like a rage...and it's hard to "turn down".  It's sad, truly...when  I surrender to my temper.  GOD help those who are the subject of my wrath, especially if they are the direct cause.  I'm working on this because it's really a problem.

I'd love to blame this, too, on one of my ex's, but I can't, lol.  MS patients, unfortunately, suffer from emotional liability or mood swings.

Emotional lability

Emotional lability or “moodiness” may affect persons with MS and is manifest as rapid and generally unpredictable changes in emotions. Family members may complain about frequent bouts of anger or irritability. It is unclear if the emotional lability observed in MS stems from the distress related to the disease or if it is caused by some changes in the brain. Whatever the cause, emotional lability can be one of the most challenging aspects of MS from the standpoint of family life. Family counseling may be very important in dealing with emotional lability since mood swings are likely to affect everyone in the family. Severe mood swings respond well to low doses of the anticonvulsant medication valproic acid (Depakote®).

So what's the solution?  My doctors have prescribed me meds a series of what I fondly call my "don't go off" meds. I'm not happy about this at all.  I'm not happy about getting so outraged and enraged. GOD teaches us to be kind to each other and to be cheerful. All of that busts out into one big FAIL when it comes to my annoyance with others. Sometimes I even cringe with some people talk...the voice annoys me. Or how about the friend that THINKS they know what you are going to say, but in fact what they DO say has NOTHING to do with what was actually going to be said? These things and so much more just set me off.

I'm praying about this. Being so angry does not help. I'd love for this aspect in my life to change for the better.

MS has not only changed me physically, but emotionally as well.  Please donate and allow me to spread more MS awareness. http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Motherhood

I dont know why this MS Monster has taken control over so much in my life. One of the biggest joys of my life is constantly being challenged... Motherhood.

  I'm a great mother. I've raised three children since diagnosed in 2004. Back then they were 2, 7, and 12 years of age. Fast forward the 22 year old is gone and "angry" because I can "do for him" like other parents can in terms of giving him free room and board and bitter because he had to help take care of the little ones because I got sick. The now 17 year old frankly is my biggest sympathizer but is also super ready to go to college and be on his own. He says he has always been under "us", and now he needs to "fly away and leave the nest".  That's making me sooooo sad, seriously.  My now 12 year old struggles with ADHD and her birth father constantly makes it known to me and to her that she should go live with him. He's unsympathetic to MS and to ADHD, and he makes me struggle to take care of her on my fixed income.  He won't pay his child support the way he should, so that makes it harder on me.  He wants me to get a job, but I am 100% disabled and each time I've tried my hand at the "work force", I've been sent to my bed in relapse. Seemingly I can only "work" for myself because at least I know my limitations.   So I struggle with what I have.   Because he has more money than I do, sometimes she wishes to go to him. Because I enforce rules that he does not, she wants to go live with him.  

This is nothing different than any other parent who is dealing with co-parenting issues.  Whenever parents are not together, there is a chance that children will try to turn one parent against the other.  

 

Being a mother living with MS isn't easy.  Please donate to my cause http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness 

Type-ooooooooooooooooooooo

I'm tired of making typos.  In 1997 I tested at 98wpm .  A year later I was at 124wpm.  The following year I scored at 136wpm.  Now...2015...my left hand is bothering me and i'm in typo hell trying to get by on the keyboard.  It's sad, limitations.  It takes forever to type and i'm like..... "this is not me"/.

But it is me.  It's ME, limitations and all.  It's me that has to type with two fingers or a pen if I can.  It's annoying.  It makes me sad.  It takes me all day to write one paper.  I can barely read my own handwriting.  This sucks.

I first noticed my left hand acting up while testing.  Then it was confirmed when I tried to type on my laptop.  I cried as I had to grammar/spell check the hundreds of red lines on my paper.  I'm looking for a talk to text app to assist me.  But this is hard and it saddens me.

Please donate and help me fund some of the things being on disability won't allow me to do. I really feel like massage therapy can help loosen up these tight muscles and damaged nerves.  Please help http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Pain On Fleek 2

I'm having a rough time at 2:44am. I'm completely in pain. My fingers and palms hurt the most, then my arms up past my wrists. Then my neck. And my back. My feet hurt. My butt  cheeks are sore. My thighs burn a bit. My nose is sore. So is my elbow and hip. This is "normal". 

I'm so pissed because I had to take a pill to sleep and for pain. Tezapham.   My pain is on  fleek"  x 2! http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fleek


I've not been on pills for some weeks because I'm trying to detox my body...lbut tonight I have no choice. I'm hurting beyond simply ignoring it. I think my stress has caught up to me so now I lay in bed suffering thinking of dying perhaps. 

 That's why I took the pill, so I won't want to die. Honestly I want to live,Lol....it's just the pain is severe. My mind is racing.

There was this Danish study of suicide among the MS community. 
" Results: In all, 115 persons (63 men, 52 women) had taken their own lives, whereas the expected number of suicides was 54.2 (29.1 men, 25.1 women). Thus the suicide risk among persons with multiple sclerosis was more than twice that of the general population (SMR = 2.12). The increased risk was particularly high during the first year after diagnosis (SMR = 3.15)."

 I can see that. Though I of all people will Never commit suicide (my favorite cousin broke my heart when he did), it seems a reasonable escape... to be void of this pain. 

This pain sucks. People are too sore themselves to give me the quality of life I need with massage and money is too scarce to give me the proper diet I need completely.  I'm not going to do myself in but something has to change soon. 

  Insurance won't cover massage therapy, only pills/narcotics. I am doing a fundraiser but I know that takes time because Ms is one of those invisible diseases.  I'm going to have to spread more awareness,  door to door if I have to. We need assistance but nobody wants to help. 

Prayer for me getting a cure for this MS monster. It's literally killing me.

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Works cited
http://m.jnnp.bmj.com/content/76/10/1457.full

Dying Young

My biggest fear (and my children's, too, unfortunately) is my passing away from MS. I'd much rather it be from natural causes like old age (100 or so). When I go to lay down, I think of death and it makes me wake back up.

I love my family, friends, pets, etc. I used to not want to live, but now I have so much to live for. The anxiety that thoughts of death cause me is bad. I try to relax. I just don't want to leave anyone behind....

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

2 Feet or Bust

"It might be a good idea to back off a bit when dealing with people who suffer from anxiety, according to a new study, because the disorder seems to affect the need for more personal space surrounding the body, also called "peripersonal space."

British researchers found that people with anxiety perceive threats as closer, compared with those who are not anxious. They said their findings could be used to link defensive behavior to levels of anxiety, particularly among those with risky jobs, such as firefighters and police officers.

In conducting the study, Dr. Chiara Sambo and Dr. Giandomenico Iannetti, from University College London, recruited 15 people ranging in age from 20 to 37 and gave them a test to rate their level of anxiety in certain situations.

In addition, the researchers applied an electrical stimulus to a nerve in each participants' hand, which caused them to blink. This hand-blink reflex, which is not controlled by the brain, was monitored as the participants held their hand at four different distances from their face: ranging from about 2 inches to nearly 2 feet. By measuring the strength of their reflex, the investigators determined how dangerous the participants viewed each stimulus.

The study, published in the Aug. 27 issue of theJournal of Neuroscience, revealed that those who scored higher on the anxiety test reacted more dramatically to stimuli about 8 inches from their face compared with those who had lower anxiety scores. People who reacted strongly to the stimuli farther away were classified as having a large "defensive peripersonal space," the study authors said.

Anxious people viewed threats as closer than those who were not anxious -- even if the perceived threats actually were the same distance away, the researchers said. Although the brain does not trigger defensive reactions, the study authors said, it could control their intensity.

"This finding is the first objective measure of the size of the area surrounding the face that each individual considers at high risk, and thus wants to protect through the most effective defensive motor responses," Iannetti said in a university news release.

-- Mary Elizabeth Dallas"

The hardest part of mental disorders are the quirky ways they make us feel. I have intense anxiety when anyone leaves personal items in my room. I've been working on it - immensely - but I'm still very much triggered when it still occurs.

Honestly, nobody should be placing their personal items in my room as storage, even temporarily. Not my children, not my girls. Its important to me to be able to look around and see memor of ME. And mostly its females i have the issue with. Is it a trust of intentions issue?/Perhaps, but that's mental, right? I'm aware. I once had an IQ of enormous amounts, which is why my psych says I'm "intelligent".  But intelligence or not, it still doesn't stop

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Misunderstandings lead to me feeling alone and misunderstood

Along with MS, I got Cognitive Dysfunction.  smh

Well, recently I got an email from a teacher and in my response,  I asked her for more clarification.  I can tell by the way that she responded she was being defensive. She doesn't know me, so I did advise her that I was an MS patient and I do learn things a little differently.  I asked her to bare with me while I asked for more clarification.  I feel like she thought I was pointing the finger at her, so I had to explain to her that all I wanted was to ensure that my child was not giving me excuses, I needed all the facts and details (because I'm not there in the classroom with him)- that is the only reason why I asked more probing questions.  I do that so I can fully comprehend, but people take it as if I'm interrogating them.  Thing is, if they are being honest, what does it matter?

I CONSTANTLY explain that I learn differently due to MS, and that I need more clarification. So this time, I was kinda hurt because the teacher didn't respond back to me.  And like most people, she may have gotten defensive.

I was told by a family member that perhaps I was the one being defensive.  I was shocked, and kind of insulted.  I mean...how can me asking questions equate to me being defensive.  Is that me being defensive or is that me seeking more clarification?  It's annoying that someone would assume that I'm defending my child when ALL I am trying to do is DISCUSS things????  True, I do defend my children a lot because I'm their mother and their protector, but obviously not ALWAYS and especially when I'm thinking my child may be not giving me all the info.

It hurts to always be misunderstood.  It hurts for others to assume what's going on without them trying to consider my side of things.  My memory is so short, and in order for me to comprehend things, it has to be drilled into my head.  I expect strangers to sometimes not understand me, but I'm trying so very hard to get my family members to understand my way of communication, too, so they won't get defensive so much and so we won't have ....misunderstandings.

I found this really great article about dealing with Cognitive Dysfunction (what I have with my MS) here http://ms.about.com/od/livingwellwithms/a/cognitive_tips.htm .
One suggestion they have is to control your environment and also control the way other's communicate with you.  I hope it helps someone else out there going through the same things.  I hurts so bad to be misunderstood, not to mention it messes with my mental.  Keep me in your prayers, please.  

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

• 
  

Gone But Not Forgotten, my furry baby Oreo Baby RIP 2001-2014

in the grass

she plays and lays and smiles

Gone but not forgotten, my dear friend furry-baby, ‪#‎oreobaby‬ passed away peacefully Monday morning, November 24, 2014. She had labored breathing the previous evening and was given her last rites by a few family members including myself)...we wished her well, sweet thing. Precious soul. Too many times she stayed by my side. I'm gonna miss her. Her life spanned 2001-2014. I know I will see my precious Oreo Baby again  Rest In Peace, my darling.. Until we meet again.

She leaves behind ‪#‎spanky‬ and ‪#‎kochecooper‬ and a host of family members and friends. Burial scheduled today.

It was so hard, Monday Novermber24, 2014. My husband was about to leave the house and Oreo Baby was on at the bottom of the stairs, resting from what we thought.  The way she was laying, I kind of knew she was gone but didn't want to believe it.  I asked hubby (Jesus) was she gone, and he was speechless.  His eyes began to water, but he could not more.  I sort of poked at her lightly with my cane.  My baby had passed on.

She would have been 13 years old in December.She used to lay in the grass for hours.  

Missing her is hard, but I wouldn't have expected not to miss her.  A few days prior to this, I'd been experiencing vertigo.  Just a bit of dizziness and it was nerve wrecking.  On Friday Hubby and I walked about two miles and the next day, Vertigo.  The whole time, Oreo Baby was by my side, ensuring that I was okay and letting me know she was there for me.  But on Sunday night, she was looking strange.  She looked a bit worried, and so we kind of knew she was trying to hold on.  Frantically my 17 year old son was trying to call around to 24/hr vet advice lines..but I knew what they'd say; that she was old and it was probably her time and if we wanted they could put her down, etc.  Nothing that meant anything to me because we knew that when it was her time, she would be with family.  Who doesn't want that?  And so that's how it was.

Oreo Baby had diligently taken care of me since 2007.  My sister Shawn Lynn gave her to my son Christopher and I, and she's been my number one caretaker ever since then.  Not having her here feels so strange.  She gave the very best hugs in the whole world, and nobody can compare to her at all.  I told one of my MS support groups ( I have MS and I'm fabulous" ) and I received over 90 comments with condolences for her.  I appreciate the support more than anyone will ever know.  

I still have to take care of Spanky and Koche Cooper.  With limited funding, it's been hard but they are my therapy.  Please help me out http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness if you can :) 

No sorry

A good read from a fellow ms'er

Never Apologize

By Nicole Lemelle—May 12, 2014

I’m Dying!

Or at least that’s what I feel like.

MS tends to put me in a fragile wavering psychotic state.

Between the optic neuritis, numbness, fatigue, dropping things, tripping and falling I think I may be losing my mind.

My dream for normal used to be so strong but now it is slowly withering away. Each passing day brings me less confidence that I can get my former life back. I always keep a little hope alive but that may be because I can’t face the reality that I will never get back to normal again.

CLick here to read the rest......
http://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/never-apologize/?utm_source=weekly&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=140521&uuid=fcfb73789a92d48b3ab2dfdcb59c8c24

Help support my cause http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Medical Alert

Yesterday had to be one of the most frustrating days I've had in a long while.  I went to a NEW shrink...and once again I got upset. Asking me dates and details that I clearly can't remember is frustrating. Then trying to change my meds that work and not giving me what I need....it was a bust trip.

 

Support me and my quest to do better  http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Pain, Pain, Go Away

I'm hopeful about the new recently passed law in Georgia as it relates to our fight to legalize medical marijuana for MS patients worldwide, really. With my cognitive issues, I can't fully grasp what is going on, but I do know that the struggle is not over, yet.

It's enough to give you a headache.  Speaking of headaches, I'm so tired of having at least one every single day of my life.

The headaches hurt the most.  They make my eyes go blurry, even...and sometimes blind.  My husband gave me his laptop, which has a touch screen with zoom capability (yay), so it's at least easier to see if my vision is present.  My body pain is beyond imaginable, and I can't seem to NOT be snappy with people; but I'm trying to soften my demeanor.  With the amount of pain I'm in, my ability to deal with mediocrity, insufficient action, or anything else annoying is not very good.  But I thank GOD for my walk with Jesus Christ, and so I pray my way through this.

PAIN, PAIN, GO AWAY
DON'T COME AGAIN ANOTHER DAY

Sometimes I have to just make light of the pain that MS has caused me, but honestly it's not funny.  To wake up day to day in agony has been a hard pill to swallow.  At this very moment, my pointer finger on my left hand has a very sharp shooting pain in it, while my lower back is having spasms in it that hurt.  Also my elbow and shoulder blades hurt.  There's more, but I really don't want to continue to expand on all that's going on with me in the pain department, because there can be nothing done about it short of an one hour full body massage, which doesn't come easy nowadays.  Today, for instance, I've only been able to sit up no more than ten minutes without having to lay back down.  I'm working from the comfort of my bed today.  Everyone is around me, but nobody really COMPLETELY understands the extent of my pain.  My Chronic Pain. How could they understand that?  The MS Hugs alone are enough to drive anyone madd.

I have a supportive family, though.  Despite his own pain, my longtime caregiver/husband gave me a deep tissue massage tonight.  I feel so much relief.  If I could get that once a day for an hour, I'd be so thankful.  We're putting that on my list of must-haves.

I pray for all MS patients, and hopefully our pain will one day go away, especially if a cure is ever found.  Until then, peace, love, and light!  http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

My MS Fatigue ft Laura Kolaczkowski 's story

I was reading a blog post "Fatigue or Ordinary Exhaustion?" Posted by Laura Kolaczkowski—January 18th, 2014  And I found myself completely relating to the blogger.  Fortunately, I get enough rest because MS FATIGUE is quite exhausting.  As my life has turned to a new twist (realizing my dream), I must admit that I have slowed down.  This time last year, I was a burst of energy.  

  I wonder what I can do to "snap out of it".  My medication doesn't really help, as it is designed to slow me down anyway.  Staying calm seems to keep away serious relapses and most of the symptoms, and having a great support team allows me to fully function ( I do not have to drive, I do not have to do most things on my own, #marriedlife gives me full time help with the children, etc); however...MS Fatigue really is a drag.  My clients can appreciate the fact that they will not only be working with me, but with a team of professionals from my network that pitch in and assist for very low rates and sometimes even pro-bono!  I have MS, but MS does not have me.  

  When I have MS Fatigue, my family allows me to take a break and just rest/sleep.  Laura Kolaczkowski explained it best when she wrote     "Imagine you are in a deep sleep on your couch and you hear the smoke detector ringing in your house.  You stir a bit and then recognize what the offensive, blaring sound is coming from – oh no, you think, your house may be on fire and you should probably move, but you debate with yourself if you can muster the energy and you slip back off to sleep. That is fatigue – when you want to go, you know you need to go, and yet you can’t."  That's how I feel;I try to move during those MS FATIGUE moments, but just can't. It's a crazy feeling, best experienced during an impromptu nap, in my opinion.  And all other times, I go full speed, because that's mainly what I'm known to do.  Of course, if a smoke detector did go off, I would be up and out of the place...i'll crawl if I have to.  

 Read Laura's blog here 

 http://multiplesclerosis.net/living-with-ms/fatigue-or-ordinary-exhaustion/?utm_source=weekly&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=140122&uuid=6e7747038173f66d1a5c4105b27db477 

HELP SUPPORT MY MS FUNDRAISER, WRITE 4 AWARENESS http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Recipe: Avocado and Onion Egg White Omelet

Original Recipe Yield One Omelet

Ingredients:

• 3 large egg whites
• 1/2 avocado
• 1/2 medium white onion, sliced or diced
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• Sea salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

1. Put 2 tablespoons olive oil and onions into pan or skillet over medium heat. Cook onions for a few minutes.
2. Pour egg whites into skillet and continue cooking until egg is fully cooked.
3. Add avocado to half of egg. Flip the other half of the egg over the top to make the omelet.
4. Remove from heat and enjoy!

For a spicy omelet, add 1/2 fresh jalapeno or 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes.

Photo Credit: elisson1.blogspot.com

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

It takes a Village

 Last night, after speaking with my husband about my daughter, I had a chance to talk to my daughter's father face to face.   We discussed her progress in school, and in general.  Despite my fears and insecurities, we are all on the same page in wanting her to be happy and successful in school I called my aunt Jackie today to tell her about the issue with my daughter and my MS today to get final assurance that I'm making the right decision towards my daughter.  

 Last night, after I wrote in my blog about my fears.  But those are just fears.  Fear is the enemy.  EVERYONE wants what's best for my daughter, so it may be a good decision to allow her to live with her biological father for a while.  He'll never take custody from me because I'm a good mom..  I have MS.  It gives me limitations sometimes and perhaps a little break will help me (and her) in the long run.  We've decided on NOT making two homes for our daughter (there and here).  With two homes, she could live with both of us but will lack stability. Since she needs a little more assistance with her school work, he is just really too busy with his own life to be able to truly is and he is not sensitive towards her disability which is ADHD.   

   so we decided just to bring in additional family in house to assist. With this new door that has opened up, I think it's the closing of the door of me having no control over a lot of things in my life.  It's been a long journey, and I'd especially like to see how much I can begin to save and invest into the future. Being disabled, I always worry about my limited resources.  I used to think that if I could let others take care of things for me, I could relax and not have to worry about them.  But I'm finding that the more I give control away, the more I lose.  I don't want to lose anything else.  I don't want to lose anymore. 

  With this new change in my life, which should begin later this month of December 2013, I am thinking about all of the other things in my life that will change and that can change.  Certainly, I will have time to reflect and perhaps write more.  I really want to write a few children books, etc.  I also have a lot of ideas about what to do with ON THE RISE MAG, an ongoing community service  (you may as well say) that I provide.  On a personal note, I am starting a new money saving / money gaining goal.  I've done this before and I want to do it again, just to see how much I can earn/save.  I'd like to do more things and to have more things and to provide more things, so this is the way to go.  There is so much more I want to do, as well.  It's not that being a mommy has held me back...but just the opposite.  Being a wife and mother is motivating me to do more, and that starts with making sure I'm healthy, happy, and at peace.

  I've got roughly three weeks before my life takes on a this new change.  I hope to spend as much time with my daughter as possible. She and I are so cute...we cry a lot because when we thought she was going to have to leave really didn't know how to cope with that because we've never been apart before. It's only would have been for a semester, but it seems like a lifetime, lol.  But, she's a daddy's girl just like I was...so if he can learn to appreciate that more and maybe he'll be able to appreciate the fact that I know what she needs and I only want the best for her and the best for her Is to remain with me :) 

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

When One Door Closes (throwback post)

Recap: what i was feeling minths ago...When one door opens......  I've always loved this saying.  It reminds me that it's not the end of the story; just the beginning of a new chapter. This year a lot of doors seemed to close.  Close friends and family turned their backs on us, but so many more reached out and pulled us closer.  The year is almost over, and though I'm sure a tad bit more "closures" will occur, I'm thrilled at the possibilities of things to come.

  I feel as though I'm coming out of my relapse.  Last night was a hard night because I was incredibly sore and had a bad case of insomnia.  

  I'd been nervous about my daughter's arrival home today. Her father expressed some concerns regarding her happiness....and I'm a bit torn. It's hard co-parenting with someone outside of your home, and even harder when there is a "microscope" capturing your every move.  My daughter has been falling behind in school and so I've restricted her "fun", but somehow she's turned it around to seem that she's being treated unfairly.  It doesn't help that she's falling behind in school, because some kind of way I think I'll be blamed for that, too.  Parenthood is challenging, anyway, but parenting with MS is moreso.  I'm thankful that I have a support system at home (husband, older children, relatives)...but I'm finding that I'm falling behind because I probably need some female assistance, too.  This is the first year I've not had assistance from a female friend/relative to assist with the day to day tasks that I face in caring for my home and children, but I believe that will change soon.  We need another woman's touch.  :) The men just don't seem to understand, lol...and my daughter is eleven (and I'm forty), so they are having to deal with two different ends of the spectrum when it comes to the women in the house.  

  I've had a lot of pushback about me homeschooling my daughter, but I really want a chance to do more one on one with her.  I pray that I will be able to at least try. I've been considering some different online options, and I'm in the process of researching them.  It's harder to assist my daughter (who has ADHD) with her current school work because she doesn't bring all her assignments home. She leaves things behind in her locker or a classroom (the latest left behind is her bookbag WITH her glasses in it). When she brings assignments home, she has either written them down wrong, or not at all, OR she just makes up a different assignment.  I am in a network with other ADHD children, and this is very common.  I'm not really supported by her other side of the family when it comes to her ADHD. It's something that is brushed off.  "She just needs her behind whipped", they tell me...but I don't spank her.  I try to understand.  I try to deal with her constant shenanigans (she always leaves class to go to the nurse's office, or finds some other excuse to not be in class).  She's not really understanding what is being taught because she does not like the environment there, and says she needs more one on one instruction.  The only way I see that happening is if she's homeschooled....so I pray one door will open regarding that. 

  For a mother with MS raising children, I'm always concerned with my children's well being.  I can honestly say that despite my disease, I am the best parent for the job.  I have to grow stronger because I am committed to parenthood to the fullest degree.  MS patients can achieve anything with the right support team, so I'm strengthening my team in numbers. One of my biggest fears has always been that if my children were removed from my care, they wouldn't be protected like I can protect them.  My son's father, years ago, used to always try to take the boys so that he wouldn't have to pay child support.  However he was never really stable enough to care for them, so I fought long and hard and won the right to care for my boys.  Now I am going through that same type of anxiety, but this time it's just beginning and I'm not sure where it will lead.  My MS has progressed and so I can't take on a lot of outside stress, and my fears are that any kind of custody fight would cause me to relapse, win or lose.  Normally any kind of confrontation or struggle/fight causes me to relapse. Sooo...everyone just keep me in your prayers that NOBODY tries to pull anything on me regarding my children.  I <3 them.  I'm sure another door will open up for me to have more support.  I'm certain of it.  

 #SupportMSAwareness and #ParentingWithMS 

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

We're Not Drunk We Have Ms

This was a jpg I found online and went to the facebook page

https://www.facebook.com/WereNotDrunkWeHaveMs

I liked it, of course.

You should like it too. 

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness