Monday, August 24, 2015

Doing The Right Thing By Our Children

I spoke with my princesses birth dad and step mom today. MS has really taken a toll on who I am in terms of who I used to be. I've raised several children and have a college freshman and my oldest about to have my first grandchild...but my princess has had it rough...we've lived with MS since she was two. She was diagnosed with ADHD long ago and that made it harder because she's not as independent as her brothers were. So I allowed her to go to school from her dad's house out of state instead of being held back by me and multiple sclerosis any longer.

I miss her. I miss her smile and her laughter and even her crankyness. MS has robbed me of so much but I will not continue to allow it to rob my children anymore. Visits on breaks will be nice because it won't be as intense as during school time. I feel like I was absolutely no help when it came to her schooling and my support team for a special needs child isn't what I would want it to be...I can't do math anymore of even complete projects or even feel like doing them. Money is tight, too.  I'm tired. Been doing this MS monster waltz since 2004 and I'm so tired. Quiet as its kept, my kids are tires of it too.

Princess's step mom is a dream come true. Her aunt has MS aonshe knows my struggle. I was afraid that Princess's father would take her from me because I had MS, but he finally convinced me that he won't. I can send her there but it would kill me if they took her from me. But her dad and step mom have ensures she's safe and I'm safe so now I can sleep at night.

Her step mom told me to just take care of myself. I'm in Colorado now treating the MS in my body all organically with organic diet (non gmo), cannibus and other herbs, essential oils and most of my journey is on my blog here . Hopefully when my money is right i can go visit my little one.  I'm sorry she's doing so poorly in school but they will catch her back up.

I feel like I'm winning. My husband is my twin Flame and caretaker and he isn't letting anything happen to me on his watch. I'm so happy that me and my baby have the support that we need, even in these most unlikely places. <3

No Stress Zone : IRS WOES

I have short term memory loss so when talks get too intense and I forget what we are talking about in the first place because all kinda other stuff is being mentioned that has nothing to do with the topic at hand,  there is no need for me to continue. I say hey, I'm done. Because really at that point the issues seem clouded in emotion.

It's hard.

I've been doing more "proof" with the IRS for my taxes. They are stalling and stalling and now they want more "proof". It's aggravating. And it's something I can no longer do on my own. I'm going to need assistance and my husband doesn't prepare taxes either. We already paid someone to prepare them in the first place. But that person is in Atlanta so they can't help us. This is getting harder and harder and all I want is my refund so I can handle some business. The struggle doesn't end and I just thank GOD for Colorado and the cannibus treatment.

The IRS has me so frustrated. Seemingly its affecting us all and in times like these its important to know how to calm down from the high strung energy/stress. For me, intense pain has already kicked into my hands and feet again. MS is so unpredictable and I'm afraid of getting sick. So I pray. And I cope. And I medicate. And I step back and say " okay world, I guess u got it for now", and then for now I'm done. What else can I do?

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

MS Headaches are the worst Migraines Ever

I had had it up to here (imagine me as i stand on tip-toes in a chair on top of a building with my hands outreaching high into the sky) day eight of an annoying head pain. I remember taking three or more headache powders a day in the past. It was not easy. Knowing that I was potentially damaging my stomach and so much more didn't easy my worry.

I was able to get off the headache powder once when I went to an all raw diet. The headaches had gone away and I was so very happy! Once I went off the diet, though, the headaches returned and I was once again using headache powder to dull the pain.

July 3, 2015 was the last time I had headache powder. That was in Atlanta. The very next day I landed in Denver and began the treatment of tincture and Phoenix Tears (both cannibus products). So far they have been helping with symptoms but now the headache is back. And along with that is the stress of money being low and the sad reality that I may have to come off the cannibus treatment if I can't afford it. I got word about the cost of it recently and without funding, I have to go without.

According to the National MS Society's website, " Although headache is not a common symptom of MS, some reports suggest that people with MS have an increased incidence of certain types of headache.

One report noted that migraine headaches were more than twice as common in a group of MS patients than in a matched group of people without MS. Other investigators found a prior diagnosis of migraine in one-third of the MS group being studied. A third study found that 20 percent of a sample group of people with MS had a family history of migraine, compared to 10 percent of controls, suggesting that there may be a common predisposing factor to both MS and migraine. Vascular or migraine type headaches have even been reported as the first symptom of MS."

The good thing is there is always a bright side. My headache has been so aggravating that honestly I may feel relief going back on meds if I have to. I hate thinking that way but I need to be able to go back one day and see my journey. My stress level has been to the roof: trying to get my son into college, making sure my daughter is adjusting, keeping an ear out for my oldest and my soon to arrive grandson, and wondering when we will be reunited with my husband's other two children. Coming out here feels like the right thing, but being out here with no transportation in a rural area is far from a practical situation for gaining funds. We will have to figure something out.

Friday, August 7, 2015

The Struggle

It frustrates me to no end how hard I struggle with life. The Struggle. Ugh. I'm strong, though, and finally free to explore my disease in a non toxic way to see what works and what doesn't work. Freedom is very important to me considering I'm trapped in this defected body with this horrid "invisible" disease.
First and foremost the gas I'm experiencing is like no other. To some it might seem minor, but its not. Nobody should suffer like this on a daily basis. It's not necessarily from gassy foods all the time, either. The most common causes include long-lasting constipation, severe diarrhea, stress, and ultimately a digestive system that is not working properly, nerve, and muscle damage. Yes...DAMAGE. This is typical for MS patients, which is annoying and...scary. I suffer from gas every single day of my life. I don't want to "take" anything for it, either. I want to know what's wrong with me so that I can treat it naturally, but all I know is that this is common with MS. This is so irritating.
Something else that's irritating is this restless leg syndrome. After treating with Thin Mint Cookies, Pre '98 Bubba Kush, and a Caviar mix AND tincture AND oil, not only am I experiencing that but I still have the headache I'd had for about five hours before I decided to lay down for the evening. This worries me. And I don't like stress.
I've been doing well up until now but my head is my main concern now. It feels tingly and out of sorts. My stress level has been through the roof. Plus not only did I misplace/lose our food stypen, but I also am nearly out of funds. Insurance doesn't cover cannibus treatments or organic foods, so that's an out of pocket expense that is now necessary.
People say "take Rebif again"or to get another injection med from my neurologist.  I found no improvement when I took injections for the three years I did take it. I read the side effects and I know it gave me irritated injection sites, severe nausea, shakes, chills, flu like symptoms... It's poison, what else would I expect?
I've been over-pill'd and injected by "medicines" that cause further damage. My community is, too, with Restoril (insomnia), Zanex (anxiety), and Norco (pain) and so many other meds for memory loss, fatigue, racing thoughts, heartburn, acid reflux, depression, tremors, seizures, incontinence, sexual dysfunction, blindness, etc. and now that I'm off meds, I see why: you have to be really bad off up at some point in a patients progression to the point where all those meds are necessary in order to have somewhat of a normal life. I don't think the government cares that these pills and injections are toxic. I suppose they say, " Let it kill them".  Pain is unbearable which is why so many of us give up the fight. I've been kicking my legs for about an hour at least every night and they are still restless even after that. This could drive someone madd.
I'm praying for all of my fellow MS'ers out there. Some are even homeless and some are all alone. I can help them if I can receive more funding.  They need to be in a peaceful environment like mine. Throughout everything, I have a caretaker that is dedicated, people in my life that support our caretaker/patient relationship, a MS Awareness household, and children that love me. Being in Colorado while my young remain in Georgia is hard, but I know that being a healthier me is better for them. Prayers for all of us is certain.
As long as I have MS, I will continue to spread awareness. There are too many unknown statistics, and too many unheard cries for help. The Phoenix Healing House is not doing the necessary research to find ways of treatment that are not harmful and more effective. Research takes time, but I am finding improvements with this MS patients health and will continue until a cure is found. Thanks for the prayers. Please donate at the donate tabs.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

After Desiree

D's suicide post (  "Say No More: A MS Tale Of Suicide ) got a huge response of condolences on facebook. When she was alive, she really didn't understand that no matter how little she had in terms of money or mobility or even mental stability or even moments without pain she had wealth in people that cared about her. Insecurity, padded with paranoia is hell on the spirit and torments the soul. In my faith, I believe that we all have contracts to fulfil here on earth, and I'd like to think that D, the MS patient, had fulfilled hers. I salute her for so many things on a spiritual level. I do.

It was at some point that she couldn't be convinced anymore that she was worth it, when pain got too severe, and when she was too aggressive and snappy to everyone for any little thing for anyone to sooth her. It wasn't nice.  But when moments were good and pain and fears took a side seat, we did have laughter when we she was in better moods. But the last time she got rude and pissed and depressed over her life and this bullshit disease called Multiple Sclerosis, she began to isolate herself as she always did (like most MS patients at some point). This was her end. And her beginning.

Not everyone is awakened to the spiritual aspects of life, but we are. Her transition from here opened up doors for others in ways one cannot imagine. I only knew her for the month of July truly, but I had been introduced to her on the phone prior on my interview for the healing house application. I came here for her so she wouldn't be the only MS patient and to get the house in order for future patients. It seems like Spirit and universe are working together because as a friend and writer, I'm here to tell her story.  I honor her and promise to give my all to the MS cause.

Now,  there is nothing cool suicide even though I understand transition. We used to watch TV and talk about MS stuff. We talked about suicide and i always told her it wasnt cool. She knew. She said our landlord had driven her nuts with being passive aggressive towards her and we would soon see that for ourselves. I dont really understand that but seemingly they have something not too good going on. Is it a scorned love affair? "D" said "hell no" when i asked about it. So did our landlord. Who knows? In the house, we are supposed to have a family theme, so nobody is Alone. Supposedly. But "D" was alone. I never saw our landlord really talk to her. Our landlord did indicate she was tired of Dealing with "D" and was going to send her a notice to vacate at the end of the month. That's scary for someone on limited income. But our landlord never thought her MS was that serious and I had to tell her it was.  Depression can be deadly, however, and sometimes no matter how many people surround you, feelings of loneliness and despair could kick in. I aim to push harder so people know suicide isn't worth it.

So here I  I've got so many reasons to just give up. I have no money. I feel like my ex gf/co-caretaker abandoned me without the curtacy of her/us getting therapy. My abandonment issues alone would cause me to sink lower into a pit of sadness. There is no cure for the diseases I have. I need assistance caring for myself and my children. My tax situation is messed up and the IRS is holding my funds. I don't have people who are willing to help me. My old best friend still isnt speaking to me due to my memory loss as far as I can tell. My pain level is always high. My energy is low. Nobody understands. There are many other things that depress me but regardless, I'm not giving up.

Life is a gift.  I'm a light, and I'm here on Earth to live, to grow, and to complete my work here. I am researching for a cure for MS and hopefully other illnesses. I'm excited because my elder (and spiritual mother from a previous lifetime) "V" is finally coming to stay with here so I can know for sure our bond if any. She and our landlord say I'm reunited with them from another lifetime and though I dont know how true that is, I do of course know I married my twin Flame and no matter how many "lives are involved", he's got me protected in this one and I am protecting him too. We are so far away from home and family. This is bigger that most people know. Everything is happening for a bigger purpose. The "Phoenix" is rising, true enough. I wish "D" were here to experience this, but she chose to leave and so that's that and I've got a feeling that was just the start. Life goes on one day to the next. It's a choice, after all. Life. Love. Choice. Life isnt all that bad. I will certainly be staying awhile.