Wednesday, August 5, 2015

After Desiree

D's suicide post (  "Say No More: A MS Tale Of Suicide ) got a huge response of condolences on facebook. When she was alive, she really didn't understand that no matter how little she had in terms of money or mobility or even mental stability or even moments without pain she had wealth in people that cared about her. Insecurity, padded with paranoia is hell on the spirit and torments the soul. In my faith, I believe that we all have contracts to fulfil here on earth, and I'd like to think that D, the MS patient, had fulfilled hers. I salute her for so many things on a spiritual level. I do.

It was at some point that she couldn't be convinced anymore that she was worth it, when pain got too severe, and when she was too aggressive and snappy to everyone for any little thing for anyone to sooth her. It wasn't nice.  But when moments were good and pain and fears took a side seat, we did have laughter when we she was in better moods. But the last time she got rude and pissed and depressed over her life and this bullshit disease called Multiple Sclerosis, she began to isolate herself as she always did (like most MS patients at some point). This was her end. And her beginning.

Not everyone is awakened to the spiritual aspects of life, but we are. Her transition from here opened up doors for others in ways one cannot imagine. I only knew her for the month of July truly, but I had been introduced to her on the phone prior on my interview for the healing house application. I came here for her so she wouldn't be the only MS patient and to get the house in order for future patients. It seems like Spirit and universe are working together because as a friend and writer, I'm here to tell her story.  I honor her and promise to give my all to the MS cause.

Now,  there is nothing cool suicide even though I understand transition. We used to watch TV and talk about MS stuff. We talked about suicide and i always told her it wasnt cool. She knew. She said our landlord had driven her nuts with being passive aggressive towards her and we would soon see that for ourselves. I dont really understand that but seemingly they have something not too good going on. Is it a scorned love affair? "D" said "hell no" when i asked about it. So did our landlord. Who knows? In the house, we are supposed to have a family theme, so nobody is Alone. Supposedly. But "D" was alone. I never saw our landlord really talk to her. Our landlord did indicate she was tired of Dealing with "D" and was going to send her a notice to vacate at the end of the month. That's scary for someone on limited income. But our landlord never thought her MS was that serious and I had to tell her it was.  Depression can be deadly, however, and sometimes no matter how many people surround you, feelings of loneliness and despair could kick in. I aim to push harder so people know suicide isn't worth it.

So here I  I've got so many reasons to just give up. I have no money. I feel like my ex gf/co-caretaker abandoned me without the curtacy of her/us getting therapy. My abandonment issues alone would cause me to sink lower into a pit of sadness. There is no cure for the diseases I have. I need assistance caring for myself and my children. My tax situation is messed up and the IRS is holding my funds. I don't have people who are willing to help me. My old best friend still isnt speaking to me due to my memory loss as far as I can tell. My pain level is always high. My energy is low. Nobody understands. There are many other things that depress me but regardless, I'm not giving up.

Life is a gift.  I'm a light, and I'm here on Earth to live, to grow, and to complete my work here. I am researching for a cure for MS and hopefully other illnesses. I'm excited because my elder (and spiritual mother from a previous lifetime) "V" is finally coming to stay with here so I can know for sure our bond if any. She and our landlord say I'm reunited with them from another lifetime and though I dont know how true that is, I do of course know I married my twin Flame and no matter how many "lives are involved", he's got me protected in this one and I am protecting him too. We are so far away from home and family. This is bigger that most people know. Everything is happening for a bigger purpose. The "Phoenix" is rising, true enough. I wish "D" were here to experience this, but she chose to leave and so that's that and I've got a feeling that was just the start. Life goes on one day to the next. It's a choice, after all. Life. Love. Choice. Life isnt all that bad. I will certainly be staying awhile.

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