Monday, July 27, 2015

Say No More, a MS tale of suicide

The coroner ruled it a overdose; "all her oxys were gone and a bunch of her morphines. They're going to try to find her son tonight. They have to seal her room." It had been a stressful life for her and she never felt like she was worth anything to anyone. She was angry and volatile, sad and lonely, and all negative energy was being pushed aside like she was. Her depression was spinning downward and she was feeling destructive towards herself and MS did a number on her and suicide was the end result. I wonder how many other times she'd comtiplated ending it all. She said she had an ex wife that she hated and a son who didn't care about her and that nobody felt she was worth anything. Those are things she said often.

"Just wanted to say goodbye to everyone I love and I don't have the time to call you all but you know who you are I'm sorry but I just can't do this shit no more love you" is what she posted on Facebook four days ago, and she was alive yesterday. Barely. No more. Finding her lifeless body was surreal. I tried my best to remain calm...stress is not good, nor did it make sense. She was gone. I will never forget her, though. When they took her away, there was question on how to notify anyone... Her son didn't even know because nobody knows her family. We only know she had a son and a father.  The lonely and painful life of a MS patient without anyone is tragic. All those pills prescribed to the average MS patient are a suicide waiting to happen because with that many pills for a patient, its not safe. Half the time a MS patient feels better off dead due to alllllll the complications. I wish she could have been stronger until help got here.  "V" indicated that her passing shows us that MS patients in the healing house will need to check in with someone at least twice a day just to make sure and must have emergency contact just in case . "V" says a lot of stuff and I've yet to see her in action face to face, but honestly not many people check on MS patients, so I doubt that'll happen.

"Most studies have documented a higher suicide rate in MSers compared to the general population, and suicide was associated with several risk factors: Depression severity, social isolation, younger age, progressive disease subtype, lower income, earlier disease course, higher levels of physical disability, and not driving.

CONCLUSIONS: Clinicians should be aware of the fact that suicidality may occur with higher frequency in MSers, the available data suggest that the risk of self-harm is higher than expected in MS patients."

I hope she's free. Its so hard to be in the world alone, and this So much has happened since I got here, and I know I'm here for all the MSers, so I need funding. We need funding so that we can have the resources to save lives. I don't want to know  that another MS patient committed suicide. Awareness saves lives.

"Patients with epilepsy and multiple sclerosis (MS) show high rates of depression and an increased risk for suicide. They also are more likely to think about death and self-harm than are individuals with other chronic illnesses, such as arthritis or cancer, according to a study of suicidal ideation conducted by Cleveland Clinic.

" An individual’s coping capacity is influenced by constitutional variables and resources.  The subjective thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of demoralized individuals are that they have failed to meet expectations; their own and/or other’s expectations.  They feel overmastered.  There is a feeling of being unable to cope with some pressing problem.  There are simultaneous feelings of being powerless to change a situation or to extricate themselves from a predicament.  There is a sense of isolation; a feeling of being unique and, therefore, not understood.  A common subjective experience may be characterized as follows: “I feel awful.  No one else understands it.  I’m not going to burden anybody else with how I feel.  Therefore, I’m the only one who feels like this.”  We all have coping strategies that we use to deal with what life throws our way.  And, we all have a point beyond which we no longer can cope on our own and become demoralized. " That's depressing.

Major depressive disorder (MDD) affects 20 to 50 percent of patients with epilepsy, MS, Parkinson disease or dementia. Depression adds to their disease burden, and suicide contributes substantially to excess mortality in this population."

With statistics like that, I'm glad I am using alternative methods for my medical needs. Despair is not an option. I'm 23 days off pills and I'm still fighting for a cure. Maybe even more so now.

May she rest in peace.


  1. May she truly have found peace free from the body that was holding her back. I too have MS and have been in that dark space of despair.

  2. I hope to meet you one day. I can totally relate. I have been there until I got #CCSVI treatment. I shudder think about how close I got. Two months of researching Switzerland. I am so thankful to Joan.

  3. There were times when my depression made me wish I simply no longer existed. I never had any suicidal ideation but I came very close. I knew what it would do to my family but the everyday pain and self pity was unbearable. If not for my recovery with angioplasty it might have been a different story. My doctors didn't expect me to live more than a year or two with the complications I had six years ago in any case.

  4. I didn't realize, until I read this-- how disturbed & depressed I actually must be because I can relate to 80% of that whole story, the part I really relate to is being a burden, and feel ashamed to ask for help, I'm always determined to be able to do anything. I did 25 years ago (got the battle bruises to show for all of my "tripups") thanks so much for posting this--- it really opened my eyes, as I learned that I HAVE to learn how & when to use any help I am offered (I just feel like an invalid alot, you know what I mean? )
    Thanks again.....
    Michelle Hughes

  5. I'm sorry to hear she took her life it's hard to deal with MS but you have to keep looking to God which cometh your help