Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Recipe: Avocado and Onion Egg White Omelet



Original Recipe Yield One Omelet
Ingredients:
  • 3 large egg whites
  • 1/2 avocado
  • 1/2 medium white onion, sliced or diced
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • Sea salt and pepper to taste
Directions:
  1. Put 2 tablespoons olive oil and onions into pan or skillet over medium heat. Cook onions for a few minutes.
  2. Pour egg whites into skillet and continue cooking until egg is fully cooked.
  3. Add avocado to half of egg. Flip the other half of the egg over the top to make the omelet.
  4. Remove from heat and enjoy!
For a spicy omelet, add 1/2 fresh jalapeno or 1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes.
Photo Credit: elisson1.blogspot.com


http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Monday, December 2, 2013

It takes a Village


 Last night, after speaking with my husband about my daughter, I had a chance to talk to my daughter's father face to face.   We discussed her progress in school, and in general.  Despite my fears and insecurities, we are all on the same page in wanting her to be happy and successful in school I called my aunt Jackie today to tell her about the issue with my daughter and my MS today to get final assurance that I'm making the right decision towards my daughter.  
 Last night, after I wrote in my blog about my fears.  But those are just fears.  Fear is the enemy.  EVERYONE wants what's best for my daughter, so it may be a good decision to allow her to live with her biological father for a while.  He'll never take custody from me because I'm a good mom..  I have MS.  It gives me limitations sometimes and perhaps a little break will help me (and her) in the long run.  We've decided on NOT making two homes for our daughter (there and here).  With two homes, she could live with both of us but will lack stability. Since she needs a little more assistance with her school work, he is just really too busy with his own life to be able to truly is and he is not sensitive towards her disability which is ADHD.   
   so we decided just to bring in additional family in house to assist. With this new door that has opened up, I think it's the closing of the door of me having no control over a lot of things in my life.  It's been a long journey, and I'd especially like to see how much I can begin to save and invest into the future. Being disabled, I always worry about my limited resources.  I used to think that if I could let others take care of things for me, I could relax and not have to worry about them.  But I'm finding that the more I give control away, the more I lose.  I don't want to lose anything else.  I don't want to lose anymore. 
  With this new change in my life, which should begin later this month of December 2013, I am thinking about all of the other things in my life that will change and that can change.  Certainly, I will have time to reflect and perhaps write more.  I really want to write a few children books, etc.  I also have a lot of ideas about what to do with ON THE RISE MAG, an ongoing community service  (you may as well say) that I provide.  On a personal note, I am starting a new money saving / money gaining goal.  I've done this before and I want to do it again, just to see how much I can earn/save.  I'd like to do more things and to have more things and to provide more things, so this is the way to go.  There is so much more I want to do, as well.  It's not that being a mommy has held me back...but just the opposite.  Being a wife and mother is motivating me to do more, and that starts with making sure I'm healthy, happy, and at peace.
  I've got roughly three weeks before my life takes on a this new change.  I hope to spend as much time with my daughter as possible. She and I are so cute...we cry a lot because when we thought she was going to have to leave really didn't know how to cope with that because we've never been apart before. It's only would have been for a semester, but it seems like a lifetime, lol.  But, she's a daddy's girl just like I was...so if he can learn to appreciate that more and maybe he'll be able to appreciate the fact that I know what she needs and I only want the best for her and the best for her Is to remain with me :) 

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Sunday, December 1, 2013

When One Door Closes (throwback post)


Recap: what i was feeling minths ago...When one door opens......  I've always loved this saying.  It reminds me that it's not the end of the story; just the beginning of a new chapter. This year a lot of doors seemed to close.  Close friends and family turned their backs on us, but so many more reached out and pulled us closer.  The year is almost over, and though I'm sure a tad bit more "closures" will occur, I'm thrilled at the possibilities of things to come.
  I feel as though I'm coming out of my relapse.  Last night was a hard night because I was incredibly sore and had a bad case of insomnia.  
  I'd been nervous about my daughter's arrival home today. Her father expressed some concerns regarding her happiness....and I'm a bit torn. It's hard co-parenting with someone outside of your home, and even harder when there is a "microscope" capturing your every move.  My daughter has been falling behind in school and so I've restricted her "fun", but somehow she's turned it around to seem that she's being treated unfairly.  It doesn't help that she's falling behind in school, because some kind of way I think I'll be blamed for that, too.  Parenthood is challenging, anyway, but parenting with MS is moreso.  I'm thankful that I have a support system at home (husband, older children, relatives)...but I'm finding that I'm falling behind because I probably need some female assistance, too.  This is the first year I've not had assistance from a female friend/relative to assist with the day to day tasks that I face in caring for my home and children, but I believe that will change soon.  We need another woman's touch.  :) The men just don't seem to understand, lol...and my daughter is eleven (and I'm forty), so they are having to deal with two different ends of the spectrum when it comes to the women in the house.  
  I've had a lot of pushback about me homeschooling my daughter, but I really want a chance to do more one on one with her.  I pray that I will be able to at least try. I've been considering some different online options, and I'm in the process of researching them.  It's harder to assist my daughter (who has ADHD) with her current school work because she doesn't bring all her assignments home. She leaves things behind in her locker or a classroom (the latest left behind is her bookbag WITH her glasses in it). When she brings assignments home, she has either written them down wrong, or not at all, OR she just makes up a different assignment.  I am in a network with other ADHD children, and this is very common.  I'm not really supported by her other side of the family when it comes to her ADHD. It's something that is brushed off.  "She just needs her behind whipped", they tell me...but I don't spank her.  I try to understand.  I try to deal with her constant shenanigans (she always leaves class to go to the nurse's office, or finds some other excuse to not be in class).  She's not really understanding what is being taught because she does not like the environment there, and says she needs more one on one instruction.  The only way I see that happening is if she's homeschooled....so I pray one door will open regarding that. 
  For a mother with MS raising children, I'm always concerned with my children's well being.  I can honestly say that despite my disease, I am the best parent for the job.  I have to grow stronger because I am committed to parenthood to the fullest degree.  MS patients can achieve anything with the right support team, so I'm strengthening my team in numbers. One of my biggest fears has always been that if my children were removed from my care, they wouldn't be protected like I can protect them.  My son's father, years ago, used to always try to take the boys so that he wouldn't have to pay child support.  However he was never really stable enough to care for them, so I fought long and hard and won the right to care for my boys.  Now I am going through that same type of anxiety, but this time it's just beginning and I'm not sure where it will lead.  My MS has progressed and so I can't take on a lot of outside stress, and my fears are that any kind of custody fight would cause me to relapse, win or lose.  Normally any kind of confrontation or struggle/fight causes me to relapse. Sooo...everyone just keep me in your prayers that NOBODY tries to pull anything on me regarding my children.  I <3 them.  I'm sure another door will open up for me to have more support.  I'm certain of it.  
 #SupportMSAwareness and #ParentingWithMS 


Saturday, November 23, 2013

We're Not Drunk We Have Ms

This was a jpg I found online and went to the facebook page
I liked it, of course.

You should like it too. 




TO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED


TODAY IS A GOOD DAY SO FAR.  I'VE HAD THIS RESTLESS REST THING GOING ON.  HUBBY WENT TO WORK AND BEFORE HE LEFT, HE SAID "IT'S SATURDAY, SO YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET SOME REST TODAY'.  INITIALLY, THAT THREW ME FOR A LOOP; BECAUSE I WAS THINKING, "WHEN DON'T I GET A DAY FOR REST".  THEN I REMEMBERED....

My day to day is often quite hectic, even though it's not meant to be.  Stress is the one thing that I do on a day to day, oftentimes not even meaning to.  Thoughts about children, bills, what's for dinner, when do I get another writing gig, who's gonna walk the dogs, etc.  LIFE seems to create these little stresses, but I thank GOD for those who love me running interference so that stress won't overwhelm me too much.

This question was posed to a group of MS patients to complete:  When I get stressed out, it affects my multiple sclerosis by ____.
The answers are what I'd expect, living with MS myself.  

Terri says Irritable, weepy, shaky, weak, numb and upset that no one gets it!

Sally says Dizzy and fatigue!!!

Gail says Giving me a really bad headache and neck pain and blurry vision.

Catherine says Making all my symptoms come out at once: can't talk, tremors, balance, confusion, depression, tears, you name it...

Paula says Causing a trigeminal neuralgia attack (stabbing electric shocks).

CarrieAnne says Cog fog badly, weak, fatigue and muscle spasms right between my shoulder 
blades all the way down backs of my legs. Happens very quickly.


Judy says Making me exhausted and making my pain level go off the charts.

Mark says Overall fatigue and anxiety

Danny says Muscle cramping and vibration threw body

Mary says  I start talking slurred

Storm says  Headaches and MS hugs (intense tightening around your chest, along with pain and a burning sensation.).

Stacy says  Right eye pain back to my ear, brain fog, memory loss 

Darrin says Makes my legs weak and throws my balance off, and adds to the constant pain i already have!!" 

Paula says Makes my esophagus spasm, do swallowing is difficult,.and i also get too much saliva

And there were a host of other answers.  For me, when I get stressed out, it affects my multiple sclerosis by giving me additional pain, headaches, seizures, slurred speech, and everything everyone else said.  Now that my husband works outside of the home, I tend to stay even more to myself because, as you can see, stress is not something to play with. What this means to me is that my circle of friends and family that can come around is quite limited.  I just don't trust people enough to allow ME to be compromised by THEIR issues.  I'm learning to overcome my fear of people because, if it's mainly in my mind, I can overcome it.  Who knows?  If not, I've lived with MS and over the years it has slowly taken a lot of the "extra" out of my life...so that can't be all bad.     


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

What Do You See

MS is a weird sort of thing.  It doesn't feel the same way from day to day.  One of the things I don't like about MS is that I never know if it's MS making me feel some sort of way, or if  it's me having a "regular" human experience.  One day, as it would seem, everything just sort of merged into thing big compilation of "ME" and "MS".  Yes, some would say "that's just in your mind".  To them, I say "my point exactly. 


Today I finished a load of laundry.  Granted, it's taken me since my husband's first off day to do this, so that was ....Sunday.  Sunday I sorted the clothes.  A delay in me completing tasks is something that has come to get on my nerves...but there it is.  It takes me FOREVER to get something done.  Was I doing other things?  YES.  But for some reason, I could do everything BUT the laundry, as if there was a mental block not allowing me to get to it.  It was very frustrating because often times I would think about it and then feel almost paralized to the point where if I just took my mind off the laundry, I could move again. No motivation. I'm not lazy.  I truly wanted to get the laundry done.  It's just a small load.  But since I couldn't get that done until just now (yay!!!), I did happen to make it to friends and family day at church, I was able to assist in my matchmaking group, I did a fabulous job with a regular monthly client who was happy to see more quantity (always a good thing when I can make magic happen).   I also landed columnist for our magazine ( a new brand debut).  I do what happens :) But I'm here.  I have to be thankful.  

Peace <3  



Friday, November 15, 2013

Work Force and Children

Hubby has re-joined the work force.  This is a step in the right direction, and wouldn't you know it BUT SOME OF MY PAIN HAS LESSENED.

I'm super happy (so is he) because it's a job that is related to one of our hobbies (and one day future profession).  I think it's awesome how GOD puts everything in place when it needs to be in place. And it's awesome how happiness affects one's health.

My headaches seem to have disappeared for now.  I feel no numbness and I feel very little soreness.  I havn't even taken my medication yet, except for my anxiety meds ( home alone with the kiddies, especially the oldest one,  is no joke).



Friday, November 1, 2013

Hand Eye Coordination And The GTAV

I've been working on my hand/eye coordination.
Its been a long year and I'm so frustrated now because I am trying to teach my husband HOW to work with me when I am learning something. He didn't go to school for working with patients with disabilities so sometimes he forgets to listen to me and not be defensive. 

Anyway...I chose PS3 GTA5. I know that's a tall order, but I'm used to tall orders and I have always been a winner. My motor skills and hand/eye coordination are terrible now, and I'm frustrated because he is not a patient teacher right now. He used to be, though. He is going through a lot.
I wish I had a another friend who knew how to play that has experience working with MS patients or patients with motor skill problems. As much as I try to keep my care and training private, its not worth the consequential tension that comes along with it.

I will overcome all of the obstacles I face. Alone or with help. Having never been a video game person, its frustrating anyway. It would be for anybody. For me the stress of  not knowing how to navigate in the game causes me panic attacks, but it reminds ne of real streets, places,etc that I get lost in anyway..but the only way to get through it is to get through it.


My husband loves me so much. Its difficult to be caregiver AND spouse. I should know because I take care of him too, and that's not easy. We care for each other. Nurturing is a part of our relationship. As most MS patients know, therapy is important so I will be scheduling another marriage counseling session. We missed our last one due to miscommunication (that would have been our first session). I am a firm believer in preventative therapy. I want us to have therapy so that we can learn healthy ways to approach things at times when things get challenging and also because therapists keep things confidential and.our marriage is private.


Today I made new strides in GTA5. My caregiver is working with me, teaching me the game. I hope to accomplish learning how to read a map better.  I think the hand-eye coordination is not improving yet. I found a shooting range on the game and tried to do target practice but again...hand eye, short term memory, and more frustration. I ended the game early because by then it began to cause an issue with he and I. He doesn't understand that I am playing fir a cause...too overcome my obstacles that hold me back from playing harder in LIFE. Yes, I am going for rank but more-so going for learning how to do the life skills which include memory, technique, skill, hand-eye coordination etc.
Work hard. Play hard.
MsAwareness
http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Not Poppin Corn

I used to really enjoy popping popcorn when I was a young girl.  I didn't like the microwave bags; I prefered the ones that came in the tin pan and was popped over the stove top.  Now at 40 years old, I no longer like the word "poppin'", as I have been in need of popping or taking my pills (medication).  This month it has been zanex for anxiety, Temazepam for my insomnia and mind racing, loretab for my pain, and of course herbal remedies #homegrown #legalizeit .



I've tried to go back to work a bit.  Small doses.  It's really hard because people still don't realize that I am to be handled with care.  No need for loud fussing and all that stuff clients like to do, nor do they need to use profanity while speaking with me.  It's just a matter of training people on how to deal with me.

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Thursday, October 10, 2013

HOPE WHISPERS

When the World says give up
HOPE WHISPERS
try it one more time.


I put up with a lot of stuff.  Sometimes life can seem so hard.  I remember telling myself sometimes, "It'll be okay once I lay down in my grave; it won't hurt so bad then".  Then I have to remind myself that I've gone through my savings and I need to rebuild my wealth so that my family, at least, can put me to rest properly.  And so I remain.

There are a lot of times when I just want to walk away from it all. My life before MS was free and full and fun.  It was filled with endless opportunities and endless thrills.  But there has to be a reason behind this madness called MS.  I know that there is some way of getting rid of it, and I hope I do before I die because I do want a better quality of life again.  I want to feel whole again. I want to do things and not be afraid. I want my life back.

Hope whispers to me.  It makes me have faith in there here and now, and the future.  Hope makes me feel like things will get better.  So many families out there are suffering, but they pull through and stick together.  I do thank GOD for the fact that my family is still in tact.  Whenever I feel like just giving up, I think about all I gave up in the first place just to be here with them, and then I get over whatever feelings I was going through that would ever make me think an "exit" will make things right.  I'm not perfect, but I do have heart.  and as long as it's beating, I'll do my all in everything.  HOPE whispers "one more time", and so I pull up a chair and stay awhile.


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

FATIGUE OR JUST TIRED


NORMALLY THIS WOULD BE A GREAT PIC FOR WHEN I'M FEELING WOBBLY.  IT HAPPENS.  BUT TODAY I DIDN'T TRIP....

I had a fatigue attack today.  
I'm not in the closet with my MS at all.  I used to be.  I had such a stressful morning that by the time I got back home,  I began to get extreme fatigue and nearly passed out.  Which was fine because I was at home near my bed. When I got up, the stress was a bit better...but still stress. Now I'm going to go talk to a MS support group and some other support groups I'm in because obviously I can't handle this on my own.  GOD is LOVE and so I have that on my side.  Now I just need to take care of me a bit better. 

Life is stressful. As a married woman, there's additional stress sometimes.  I have a really good marriage but we have some issues that sometimes can be a bit stressful for me.  I'm trying my hardest to remember the lessons in life that I've learned along the way. One of the greatest lessons I've learned is not to allow anyone to steal my joy. 

I have to remember now what a joy it is to wake up each and every day. I have to remember that when I'm pacing around looking for something at the  last minute and it causes my husband to stress, to remember that my pacing around is not me, and so I am not the cause of his stress. That's his. He is stressing because he loves me and doesn't want to see me pacing around looking for lost items.  He doesn't have to stress over me stressing; I suppose that's just his way of loving me or his way of handling things.  I don't know. I have to not get stressed, though,  because he is stressing about me stressing...because that just adds to my stress.  I'll probably forget it next time it happens and it may take a few times of me trying to remember not to, but thankfully this blog will help me go back over these little tid-bits about ME. 

Friday, October 4, 2013

Quit Picking At ME!

It's funny.  My husband and children say I'm cranky.

Who wouldn't be if something was constantly eating away at your brain and your body was on a level ten pain?  But I try to grin and beat it.  It's not always easy, either.

I've been practicing YOGA.  I know I'm not doing all I can do for my MS, but I'm so paranoid about the medications they have out there, the most I can do is take Zanex when it gets too bad, partake in my "peace sessions", and take Lortab for the extreme pain...and that's not even working anymore.

I've been bruising badly.  Auntie Jackie (who I call Momma Jackie) says it's because I take asprin and also because I might be anemic.  I'll go see next week.  And I GUESS i'll go to my PCP, thought I'm not too fond of her yet.  It takes time to get to know a doctor and to feel comfortable with.

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Boys To Men And Little Girl's Candy

I declare, it's incredibly hard for me to these boys to men.  Being the momma hen up here in the coop, I know it's up to me to show them direction...but testerestone is not an easy thing to feat.  Neither is estrogen.  It's so hard to raise a little girl into a nice girl-like girl, if that makes any sense.  My children do the most.

I can't get around like I used to; not while I'm in this relapse.  This relapse is a result, I think, of the high bills that we face at home.  AND the food we've been eating.  And my lack of appetite.  Meanwhile, I have everyone depending on me and so because I can't fully relax, I can't get out of this relapse.  They all make me want to go on vacation for about a month but we can't afford to yet.

Here's the thing; with my MS it's best for me to stay in my room with my phone, my laptop, my TV/Remote, and a set schedule where my meals will be brought in.  I only need to leave for dates with the husband (and the wives) , family time, or brief biz meetings/events.  Other than that when I'm at home I like to stay to myself and be removed from any stress.  I even limit who can reach me via phone.  That's one of the ways that I stay healthy.  I'm really fun at home, but I also need a lot of solitude to keep my levels steady.


I've been watching more TV.  That's something I steered away from for awhile, but now I see I need it more.  My daughter, who is eleven, keeps having false alarms on as to if she is coming on her menstrual cycle for the first time, my middle son is unhappy that we don't have a lot of money, and my oldest son finds every excuse in the book to look down on me and to hold a grudge because after 2004 I had to live for me in order to live for them.  He resents me a lot.  I don't care because I did my best and nobody else really tried to help. But I also owe him a lot of gratitude for being a responsible son back then. I want to be hard on him now so he will be a stronger man in the future, but I have to remember that I'm his mother and the only one he has, no matter how many replacement mothers he's had in the past.   I'm just numb to being hurt by him or his father or anyone that seemingly is abusive.  I'm no longer afraid.  He'll work it out.  They all will, hubby included.  I spoil them all and now that I know i have to start back putting me first in order to get healthy, not everyone will be soiled anymore.  I'll still try, though.

When you are disabled, i don't care if you have a 200k/yr job, you can get sick and go bankrupt, time and time again.  That's the nature of the beast.  But it also is a beauty because it allows me to command for peace. My husband and I don't argue that much, because if it gets out of hand I will be sick.  So that means he'll treat other female family members like that, too.  Stress makes people sick.  He's a good man.  And we work well together.  The entire family is supportive of us and our love.  GOD be the glory.  And these kids better get right (bless their hearts).

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Monday, September 30, 2013

MS Right right now

We have a plan. We always have had this plan, even.before we met. I love him; Rafe (my husband, my twin soul, my Adam, my King). Last night when I was feeling helpless when having an MS episode and panic attack, he was there for me even though it scared him so much. We have only been married one year, and most of the time I was healthy so this part is new to him. I do thank GOD for him, though.

MS has changed my quality of life for now. I say "for now" because. No more amusement park rides, no.long car trips without me having to ask whoever to pull off at the next exit for constant restroom breaks when my bladder is acting up. No outdoor activities in the too warm or too cool weather. Intense pain from time to time that hits me so hard. Its a lot. Unimaginable chronic pain. Etc etc etc ( too many things to list)

Rafe is twelve years younger than I am, so I decided to do what my mom did ( to an extent).  I'm his wife and I doubt he'll find another, but I am also royalty; the empress queen of our family. And I will  find my king another queen (but I want to know her and help them in all ways and be sister/queen to her and co-mom to their children while I'm still alive). And everyone knows I.would adore a queen! So it works out perfectly for us lol)



Before my mom died of cancer she asked me to find the right woman for her husband. She lived him so much....it broke her heart to know that she would be parting from him and not being able to protect him, as a wife does....and so I did as she asjed and put my matchmaking (and praying) skills to use. SUCCESS STORY TO BE TOLD AT A LATER DATE BUT LONG STORY SHORT. He is so happy with his second wife and his second wife is awesome and taking care of him wonderfully. She even embraces my children and I, which was part of the package; everything my mom hoped for him. She's my mother's co-wife even though they never officially met. My mother really loved him and I know in my.heart of.hearts my mother, from where she rests in peace, loves Mum, too. .

ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE US AND ONLY GOD CAN BLESS SPIRITUAL UNIONS The future makes me so....anxious at times but my faith pulls me through. My children pull me through. My husband pulls me through. GOD pulls me through. I don't want to miss a moment of my life. "I have MS, it does not have me", is what I constantly remind myself. I have so much more to do, a family to raise and a husband to care for and going hard to fight this #MSMonster.

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness


I will whisper louder

In autoimmune disease, the body’s immune cells mistakenly attack and destroy healthy tissue. In MS, it’s the fatty protective sheath around the nerves; in type-1 or juvenile diabetes it’s cells in the pancreas that make insulin; in rheumatoid arthritis it’s tissue in the joint.

Currently, the main treatment is to suppress the immune system, an approach that can leave patients vulnerable to infections and cancer. There are shots that are intended to redirect the attack on cells by tricking them into attacking injected protein.  Still, these are "ATTACKS" and most everything that is out there to take has horrible side effects.

I'm still off the shots.  I removed myself from that treatment therapy in 2009 after a MS relapse almost made me lose my kidneys, and the shots did not stop it from getting as bad as it did.

I hope there is other treatment.  I ignore my MS a lot because my caretaker is also my husband, and no matter that I trust him the most, it's sad to see him have to live with my reality, too. I hope to find another caretaker in the future to give him some time to just enjoy having a wife (not a patient).



The pain is on my right side (the same side that went paralyzed in 2004) .  I can't really get a full body massage because my husband has now began to be in a lot of pain, too.  I sometimes wonder if he has MS, too, or if he is just experiencing some of my symptoms (we are incredibly close and have a really tight bond), or if he has something altogether different going on.  We are each other's caregivers and really always have been.  But this pain is too much for me to bare too much longer without repeated relief, which is what my prescribed treatment was since I'm no longer on all of the meds.  I'm supposed to have intense massage therapy to keep me out of most of the pain, but now I feel helpless.  I often cry when I'm alone, just to get it out of my system (the frustration).

I feel like my condition is getting a little worst right now, so I want to make sure I blog while I can still type.  Nobody knows what the future holds.  I hope mine is one that's still happy and loving, just not so much pain. http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

People

Sunday, September 29, 2013

In complete pain and feeling sorry for myself

In autoimmune disease, the body’s immune cells mistakenly attack and destroy healthy tissue. In MS, it’s the fatty protective sheath around the nerves; in type-1 or juvenile diabetes it’s cells in the pancreas that make insulin; in rheumatoid arthritis it’s tissue in the joint.

Currently, the main treatment is to suppress the immune system, an approach that can leave patients vulnerable to infections and cancer. There are shots that are intended to redirect the attack on cells by tricking them into attacking injected protein.  Still, there are "ATTACKS" and most everything that is out there to take has horrible side effects.

I'm still off the shots.  I removed myself from that treatment therapy in 2009 after a MS relapse almost made me lose my kidneys, and the shots did not stop it from getting as bad as it did.

I hope there is other treatment.  I ignore my MS a lot because my caretaker is also my husband, and no matter that I trust him the most, it's sad to see him have to live with my reality, too. I hope to find another caretaker in the future to give him some time to just enjoy having a wife (not a patient).


The pain is on my right side (the same side that went paralyzed in 2004) .  I can't really get a full body massage because my husband has now began to be in a lot of pain, too.  I sometimes wonder if he has MS, too, or if he is just experiencing some of my symptoms (we are incredibly close and have a really tight bond), or if he has something altogether different going on.  We are each other's caregivers and really always have been.  But this pain is too much for me to bare too much longer without repeated relief, which is what my prescribed treatment was since I'm no longer on all of the meds.  I'm supposed to have intense massage therapy to keep me out of most of the pain, but now I feel helpless.  I often cry when I'm alone, just to get it out of my system (the frustration).

I feel like my condition is getting a little worst right now, so I want to make sure I blog while I can still type.  Nobody knows what the future holds.  I hope mine is one that's still happy and loving, just not so much pain.  http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Motivation

I need to blog.  I need to tell my story.  I'm trying hard not to dwell on my condition and just merge it into who I AM.  I'll do better but for now I've taken my nightly meds : Zanex, Lortab, and a sleeping aid.  My body is feeling like pins and needles all over and I need to rest.  Most days are good but lately I've been in a relapse that is very painful.



http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

R&R

In 2004, I was 31 years old and a corporate work-a-holic. I was a care-free mother of three in a committed relationship and my children were living in a two parent household.  Because I had support at home with the children, I was able to go that extra mile to climb up the latter of success.  At the time I was also heavy into my writing (poetry), and everything seemed to be going well for me.

At the company I worked for, I did what I did best; start an organization.  I'm great at creating movements and organizations, and at the company I realized that the staff needed to feel appreciated more to being in moral.  I put in a proposal for a project team called the EAC (Employee Appreciation Committee) and sent it up to management for approval.  Once approved, I recruited some team leaders and volunteers, and once we set up a calendar of events and activities, we were given a budget to improve moral.

Spring was coming up, and Tracy (one of my good co-worker friends) and I were doing a gift bag game for the department.  It took us three weeks to prepare for this event, most times having long hours after work, during lunch breaks, and even on weekends.  I remember feeling extra tired that last week.  We'd been going back and forth from her apartment to my house and all over Atlanta, Ga shopping at different stores to buy the gifts, not to mention we had to have food catered and decorations.

I must admit, we had fun on that day.  But at some point through during the event, I began to feel a huge sense of fatigue.  I'd felt it before just that morning when I was up getting ready for work, but I thought nothing of it.  I made it through the day and my boss even let me off a little early because they could tell I was extra tired.

That was a big weekend at home for us.  My boyfriend at the time had his children over for the weekend, and three of them were there on a first time visit since I'd moved in.  They were nice children, though, and I tired my best to spend time with all of them because he worked a lot. But I was tired.  That entire weekend I kept dropping my cell phone out of my hand or my keys or the fork, and even once I dropped and broke a plate.  He told me to rest while he watched the kids, but it was important for me to be there for my children, too, and this was a weekend I had off work, so I didn't want to slow down.

GOD has a way of slowing you down, though.  I knew I had to be at work early Monday morning since I got off early Friday afternoon, and so I'd gone to bed early, feeling so tired that I could hardly get into bed.  My face even felt tired, and I can remember thinking that I was going to plan a vacation because I was surely in need of one.  Monday morning was slow moving.  I could barely pull myself together.  I took a shower and nearly stumbled in there.  It was if I'd had a hangover, however I'd had no alcohol or anything.

I had a 2000 Pontiac Sunfire, and I drove it from Old National Highway in College Park all the way to Piedmont Road in Buckhead.  Now...the thing is, while I was drying up 85 north towards GA 400 to near my exit, the entire right side of my body not only was fatigued beyond anything I could ever imagine, but it was also paralyzed.  I became paralyzed while driving on the expressway to work, all on the right side.

It becomes foggy at that point.  Everything I've ever gotten, I got for myself so I clearly didn't know what was going on, but I didn't want my car to be stuck all the way out in Buckhead.  I remember as soon as I realized my right leg was gone, I used my left leg instinctively.  In fact, I just drove with the left side of my body, leaning up against the driving wheel and steering with my weight, squinting my eye because the right one was blinded by now.  That's where my mind was.  It was on that car.  And then the thought came up that because I felt like I had a hangover, perhaps my manager would think I was somehow intoxicated.

 I couldn't worry about that because I needed to clock in.  I parked the car, hitting the bumper in the parking space. GOOD, the car was parked.  I got my purse and pulled myself together, and set out for the long haul dragging my right leg and behind the left one as I walked to the building.  I held on to rails, walls ,and anything else I could to get to the elevators.  I knew if I could just sit down upstairs in my desk, I could figure out a way to make this work and pull myself together.

Somehow I made it up on the elevator to my floor. I dragged myself into the suite and to my cubicle.  We had high walls, so I was really happy about that because by this point I figured I'd had a stroke.  I just wanted to get thought the day. I was working on the call center side, and it was obvious that I wasn't going to get through the day because the first call call in and I answered the line and nothing but slurred speech came from my lips.  My manger stood up immediately and took over the call, then I she transferred the calls to another call center temporarily and came over to me.  She looked at my face and as soon as I saw her facial expression, tears began to come out of my left eye.  I scribbled onto paper with my left hand as best as I could (I'm right handed) I AM NOT DRUNK. She said "you look like you have Palsy, your face is falling. You need to go to the ER" .

My mind was going all over the place and i just could not phantom going to a hospital on that side of town, so far away from my family and my children so I made up an excuse about my sister being in the same building and because we were the only two people in the call center at the time, she helped me to the lobby and asked me to way there until my sister came back.  She scribbled her number onto paper and told me to give it to my sister to call her for updates. I nodded, crying.  I knew she wouldn't have left me there had we had someone else in the office, so to me luck was on my side and as soon as she went onto the elevator , i dragged myself back out to my car and set off back home with only my left side working.

I made it to my driveway and in order to stop the car and park it, I had to hit the garage a bit.  I was so tired and so frazzled.  I had no pain but I had no feeling or eyesight on the right side.  I called my cousin on the cell phone and began to speak/slur.  She asked me if I was home and I said yes and she told me not to move, she was on her way. I climbed out of the car and just crawled to the house, dragging my limp body to the door.  I pulled myself up to put the key in the door and when the door opened I fell inside.  I was tired. I was done moving.  I closed my eyes and said my prayers, and just faded out.  When I came to, she was panicking and trying to lift me up.  She thought I had a stroke and said we needed to get to the hospital really fast.

GOD had seen me through to get me back home to my family.  The next few hours would change my life forever.  Once we got to Southern Regional Hospital, I could barely stand.  My cousin answered the questions there and they kept asking me if I'd taken drugs and after awhile in my slurred voice i began to scream "I AM NOT ON ANYTHING. I AM A PROFESSIONAL.  SOMETHING IS WRONG.  I DON'T WANT TO DIE".  They ordered a MRI and within the next 45 minutes as I waited, I prayed a lot.  When the doctor retired, he said they'd found seven legions on my brain, and that I'd been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, also knowns as MS, type RR (Relaspe/Remission).



I spent the next few weeks in the hospital.  I felt very sorry for myself. I was angry, also, because there is no cure for MS and I've never had medical problems before.  Nothing nothing about the disease, my doctors and my aunts and family researched as much as they could.  Apparently MS was a disease that was composed of a lot of symptoms which anyone could have, but there is also a lot of dysfunction of organs and a lot of pain....enormous pain, seizures, emotional hell.

Looking back, the previous month I'd had the first shot of a three part series for Hepatitis B injections (the vaccine). Once I could walk again, I went back to my primary doctor that administered the vaccine and asked to see the packaging, and the labeling said it could be linked to MS.  I was so angry with her.  She said that it was irresponsible for he hostilities to tell me it could have come from that vaccine and I pointed out that though I wasn't going to sue her, she needs to know my life will never be the same.

I must say that now, in 2013, I forgive her.  She didn't know.  Nobody could have.  I have to believe that.  It's been a long road and it still is.  I've been on so much medication in the past until now I'm concerned about the affects they could have in the long run on my organs.  There's a lot to say about MS and my walk with it, but the main thing is that I no longer want to be silent about it because now at age 40, I know that MS Awareness is the only way to bring light onto our cause and prayerfully one day find a cure.

Love and Light,
Attica Lundy Cooper aksa Caren Cooper

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness