Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Boys To Men And Little Girl's Candy

I declare, it's incredibly hard for me to these boys to men.  Being the momma hen up here in the coop, I know it's up to me to show them direction...but testerestone is not an easy thing to feat.  Neither is estrogen.  It's so hard to raise a little girl into a nice girl-like girl, if that makes any sense.  My children do the most.

I can't get around like I used to; not while I'm in this relapse.  This relapse is a result, I think, of the high bills that we face at home.  AND the food we've been eating.  And my lack of appetite.  Meanwhile, I have everyone depending on me and so because I can't fully relax, I can't get out of this relapse.  They all make me want to go on vacation for about a month but we can't afford to yet.

Here's the thing; with my MS it's best for me to stay in my room with my phone, my laptop, my TV/Remote, and a set schedule where my meals will be brought in.  I only need to leave for dates with the husband (and the wives) , family time, or brief biz meetings/events.  Other than that when I'm at home I like to stay to myself and be removed from any stress.  I even limit who can reach me via phone.  That's one of the ways that I stay healthy.  I'm really fun at home, but I also need a lot of solitude to keep my levels steady.

I've been watching more TV.  That's something I steered away from for awhile, but now I see I need it more.  My daughter, who is eleven, keeps having false alarms on as to if she is coming on her menstrual cycle for the first time, my middle son is unhappy that we don't have a lot of money, and my oldest son finds every excuse in the book to look down on me and to hold a grudge because after 2004 I had to live for me in order to live for them.  He resents me a lot.  I don't care because I did my best and nobody else really tried to help. But I also owe him a lot of gratitude for being a responsible son back then. I want to be hard on him now so he will be a stronger man in the future, but I have to remember that I'm his mother and the only one he has, no matter how many replacement mothers he's had in the past.   I'm just numb to being hurt by him or his father or anyone that seemingly is abusive.  I'm no longer afraid.  He'll work it out.  They all will, hubby included.  I spoil them all and now that I know i have to start back putting me first in order to get healthy, not everyone will be soiled anymore.  I'll still try, though.

When you are disabled, i don't care if you have a 200k/yr job, you can get sick and go bankrupt, time and time again.  That's the nature of the beast.  But it also is a beauty because it allows me to command for peace. My husband and I don't argue that much, because if it gets out of hand I will be sick.  So that means he'll treat other female family members like that, too.  Stress makes people sick.  He's a good man.  And we work well together.  The entire family is supportive of us and our love.  GOD be the glory.  And these kids better get right (bless their hearts).

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