Hiccups

I haven't been writing as much as I planned to. Depression and anxiety disrupted my peace of mind.

After I got my daughter situated, my son who is attending freshman semester of college ran into some snags. He needed a laptop. He needed parking for school. He needed food money. On an income that's as low as mine, its been hard to manage but doable... Until now.

So I'm all the way out here in Colorado and my kids are all the way in Georgia and where I am in Bennett, Colorado is nowhere near any possible jobs or public transportation. After a lot of issues here, we are moving closer to Denver and then maybe we can progress more to the point where not only am I healthy but we can help more financially with our children.

Multiple Sclerosis patients go through a lot, as do PTSD patients. Having both of those along with other psychological issues stemming from those is so hard to manage in a stressful environment. Unfortunately, living with others who don't understand that has been toxic to my recovery.  Caring for someone with multiple sclerosis (MS) involves unique stresses and uncertainties. The disease is unpredictable. Caregivers may not know from one week to the next how MS will affect the patient. The patient may experience dramatic mood swings. They may also confront new physical challenges that could require changes to their environment. My main symptom has been severe anxiety. Most anxiety is not caused by medical problems. Anxiety is a mental health disease, and it's often created through a combination of life experiences, coping ability, and genetics. But in some cases anxiety can be caused by something physically wrong, and one example of such an issue is multiple sclerosis.

Multiple sclerosis, or MS, is a terrifying disease. While generally rare (1 in every 1,000 women, and 1 in every 3,000 men), the illness can cause a host of physical problems, and unfortunately anxiety is one of them. I go around others and smile and small talk then as soon as I can I escape back to safety in my room.

One of the best first steps as a caregiver is staying calm and assessing what you need to support your loved one. I needed more isolation away from others in our room so he did what was needed. (Sigh) But the things I have learned and experienced have been beneficial to my recovery as well.

During the time when things started looking south, a group of women that I befriended, began bonding with, and began gifting free counciling with online began to form sisterhood with me. They helped me get through some tough times and are still with me.  Jesus (my husband Rafael) spends 24 hours a day with me since our co-partner left, but lately he's had a little break somewhat so he can get some of our business done because they have been keeping me company and calm. By allowing me to help them, I'm able to distract myself from my own stressors. Things had been getting bad. Raf's car accident (when he got hit twice back to back on purpose with the car that his ex friend "B" was driving) began making his body hurt when he did work around the Bennett house which made him not be able to do as much for the house as planned before, which was part of our agreement for staying here, so it became one of the problems at the house anyway. People acted like he was lazy, but really his body hurt and he doesn't have insurance and his main priority is me, and nobody else here cares about his health but me.  We paid our rent, deposits, utilities, gas money, and labor to work off some of the tincture and phoenix tears oil for my treatment and gave it a try but clearly it wasn't working out. There's a lot more to it, but basically it began to come to a head because  On 9/12/15 the other male tenant came and asked me if my husband could pull some weeds out back since they were having a cookout. It was Auset day (Saturday) so i told him we couldn't because we had made plans already. Well, bad news came on our phone from our family and I'd sent off a text message about a death in our family and I also had tremors and we couldn't make it to the cookout to our landlord  but got no response, on 9/14/15 there was attitude towards Raf, and our landlord requested a private meeting with him which we declined because she seemed hostile and actually told me that what she had to say to him she didn't want me to hear because it wasn't nice.... and 9/15/15 we got requests for the landlord to speak with my husband privately again and when we refused to do solo talks with just him and her due to the need of a witness she said if she couldn't have a private talk with him then we needed to vacate in two weeks, on that same day 9/15/15 we received notice to vacate. Its a long story leading up to that but long story short, its time to move on. 

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The last day here according to the email is 9/30/15. Funds are non existent at the moment as far as I can tell but we will find a way. Some nice sisters have pledged to help us out since this was unexpected, so I'm grateful but still a bit afraid until the funds actually arrive. So much to catch up on in future posts, I've been quiet out of fear of backlash but this is what's been going on with me.  The IRS still won't release our funds and I am just so tired of identity theft. My debit card company had to re-issue my new card because someone got it before it got to me. All these financial issues with money we have that won't be released or is somehow blocked... Gotta be a blessing around the corner somewhere, I think. Thank GOD my oldest and his girlfriend are bringing new life into the world soon. I'm so happy to be a grandmother! So with the bad, there is still light.

I've got a headache but we did stock up on food earlier when we had access to transportation so for now we are eating too.

Had I still had the children with me, we would have made different decisions but since my health is the focus and the kids are safe and sound in Georgia, we can move around more freely...so as long as they are alright I know we can make it through. This is just a little hiccup on the road to recovery, and hiccups do go away. :)

The last day here according to the email is 9/30/15. Funds are non existent at the moment as far as I can tell but we will find a way. Some nice sisters have pledged to help us out since this was unexpected, so I'm greatful but still a bit afraid until the funds actually arrive. So much to catch up on in future posts, I've been quiet out of fear of backlash but this is what's been going on with me.  The IRS still won't release our funds and I am just so tired of identity theft. My debit card company had to re-issue my new card because someone got it before it got to me. All these financial issues with money we have that won't be released or is somehow blocked... Gotta be a blessing around the corner somewhere, I think. Thank GOD my oldest and his girlfriend are bringing new life into the world soon. I'm so happy to be a grandmother! So with the bad, there is still light.

I've got a headache but we did stock up on food earlier when we had access to transportation so for now we are eating too.

Had I still had the children with me, we would have made different decisions but since my health is the focus and the kids are safe and sound in Georgia, we can move around more freely...so as long as they are alright I know we can make it through. This is just a little hiccup on the road to recovery, and hiccups do go away. :)

Sweet Sixteen

Sweet sixteen. In the mist of insanity of the day, I made peace. Today has been so stressful but I know everything is alright. That's the energy. I'm still toxin free.

I had to explain love and light today. The ministry continues and we continue to preach love and light. It's really simple... I can't have a lot of escalated conversation or I risk relapse. That's how we live. So when the day got hectic and emotional and things were frantic, we were able to help someone by telling them how we live (peaceful) and how we won't live (in chaos or fret). Initially we got push back, but then love shined through.

Still, my headache worstened...but the treatments help and I feel like there is hope for more releaf soon. Due to the escalations earlier, I feel slight tremors in my mouth and more fatigue. I'm ignoring it, though. I know that emotional situations occur and its my gift to get through them peacefully.

Oftentimes in emergency situations or frantic ones, people end up fighting each other instead of listening to each other. People misintrepret what others say to them and oftentimes misunderstandings occur. For whatever reason, people are sensitive and will think someone is attacking them when they are not, causing the situation to esculate. This is chaos.  When people have the kind of personality that folds under pressure, its hard to get through urgent situations peacefully. Those people are dangerous for me during those times, and I try my best not to be around them or I teach them how to be around me.

And yet I rise.

Being the target of anyone's frustration is dangerous for me, but I find that the combination of Phoenix Tears and Tincture from teacher keeps my body at an even relaxed internal enviornment for the most part. That is amazing, and I'm so thankful because I still have not been able to fill my meds. This is the longest time I've gone without it in a while. I'm "aware" and consciousness is amazing. I really can't wait to get more into yoga and meditation because I feel better. I'm not frantic or panicky (as much).

My social anxiety is better. Yes, I'm still anxious to talk to other people but not to a point where I'm extremely sick. I'm scared that I will still have a fluke episode and have a seizure or bad relapse but fear is the enemy and I'm dismissing those ideas. I'm trying to shut down many things that will overwhelm me, and believe me that is hard. But I'm making it one step at a time.

Day 10

My head hurts and I've had a long day. A piece of me left today, but I know that I will have new beginnings. It's hard dealing with disabled patients. I'm doing that already, having survived day 10 with still no xanex, hydrocodone, Temazepam, Mirtazapine, Amitriptyline, BC Powder, or Risperdal. Nice little cocktail, huh? That's not including the other headache meds my insurance won't cover. This, however, is the beginning of the struggle. My supply is nearly gone.

With treatments being costly, I am thankful for the opportunity to do something greater. I've worked hard to get to this point. I want to make sure I can continue getting stronger and better (and wiser).

Last night I got terribly upset from stress and I suffered a night time fright (night terror). I had to end up sleeping with the light on. I know I'm safe, but sometimes night frights can't be helped. As a patient with not only MS but also PTSD and a few other disorders, I'm thankful that my husband/caretaker is standing by me and not giving up on the dream. I find comfort in that. I took some phonix tears and tincture and soon found myself asleep in a safe zone.

My treatments are now at three times a day. Smoothies have been introduced into our diet, and we are loving the fruit we're drinking. Organic is the way to go.

I hope to be cured of MS one day. I hope to live a "normal" life. Spirit has shown me the path in which to go and faith will see us there. Falling asleep now, I dream of those better days and am ever so thankful for this chance at life.

Day 9

Day 9 and no pharmacy meds. I'm staying focused and trying to have no distractions.

Yesterday for the first time in my life, I went mountain climbing at the Mountains Of The GODs. Just eleven years ago I couldn't even walk! I've got so much to be grateful and thankful for. Choosing to get and remain healthy is the best thing I can do for my family; my Tribe. My health is our wealth. All of ours, really.

Day 9 didn't come easy. Every single day is a challenge. Every day I have an instant of panic but instead of going for the pills I just relax and let the new treatment have time to work. And it's working. The hardest part is being strong enough to say no to stress from loved ones. But I'm focused and committed to life.

I still experience slight MS issues; not being able to walk straight, nausea, intense head pain, attention/concentration issues, motor skills issues, giving out of breath easily, problems going up and down stairs, spasticity, and cognitive issues. My pain has decreased, and my mental issues have lessened (panic, depression,etc is getting better as well as PTSD). I'm still in a controlled environment (stress causes the majority of the problems MS patients have ), but one that is precisely for MS patients and fostor animals...no room for distractions. Unfortunately we can't care for everyone but we are doing the best we can. From the Holy House to The Healing House. Spirit is with us.

The treatment I'm taking is not acceptable everywhere. We are still in an era where there is doubt and opposition. There is still so little known about it due to strict laws making it hard for people to open up about it and share information. However there is a plethoria of information surfacing on the internet, even in this blog. So many stereotypes crush down the hope for true healthy living, but truths like mine and the many patients with safe access can crush those steriotypes. My healing is coming from GOD, and I will continue to tell my story so that others are helped.

This is not free. Next month it will cost a little over $1250 to be here and that does not cover diet or treatments. In my heart I know I can't go back to my old treatments. I wasnt living a quality life at all. My treatments, my enviornment, and other things were slowly killing me. Most doctors will agree that pharmsudicals don't care about healing; they care about money. There is no money in cures but there is in disease. I hope people do care to help me fund finding a cure for my disease. I'm 9 days on no meds but if I have to leave here I won't have access to it. I just want a chance.

So 9 days...this will be the 9th of cannabis. Tincture, lots of water, rest and relaxation, excercize, mostly organic non gmo diet, beautiful nature, and Phoenix tears have helped me drastically.  You dont have to only smoke to get the benefits from cannabis, and I'm proving that. There are other options. I'm not "high" all day and my body benefits to the point I can be off pills. This is amazing. For this, I'm filled with hope and gratitude.

The symptoms i'm experiencing at this moment are that I have a neck cramp in the base of my skull, a headache, and bowel/bladder/digestive issues. Last night I had muscle spasms. We are determining how the treatments help and which treatments help what symptoms.  Charting/blogging everything helps us to know if we are on the right track. If im cured, everyone will. Everyones MS is different but i'm looking for the cure for us all. Cancer patients are even being helped with this treatment as well as traumatic brain injury, diabetes, and more.

I thank everyone for their prayers and ask that everyone supports my efforts in my Write 4 MS Awareness funding project. As I write my story I will also write yours :). Any financial assistance would be be beneficial. Please spread the word.