A Beautiful Mind

I have no idea if I've said this before, but this entire experience with MS and what it did to me, on top of the PTSD and everything else reminds me so much of the movie "A Beautiful Mind" starring Russell Crowe http://abeautifulmind.com/ .  Even though the character suffered from Schizophrenia, the fact that someone so smart and on top of the world would take such a dive due to illness that effects the mind.  I feel slighted in so many ways even though I try not to.


I'm just thinking about how things could have been.  I'm striving hard to make turn things around.  That's why this latest stage of depression or whatever that has me not eating much and being just unable to feel and be "normal" without roadblocks in the way is ...well, depressing.  With PTSD, you really have a hard time gaining emotional control..it's a struggle.  

Lost Time

What gets me is that once I have been sent on a tangent, it takes me longer to come down from it than the ones who initially sent me into it.  It’s not worth it, you’d think, but what about if your mind and emotion won’t shut it down.  That’s me, living in hell again and being the only one to suffer from the lost time, time that I can’t get back.

My trouble seems to be communication and depression mainly, as well as anxiety.  Really tired of going through it.  What is Progressive multiple sclerosis?   Things just seem to keep getting worst for me.  I try my best to be “ in the game” but at the same time I'm fully aware but I'm not able to be the same participant but I used to be and it's so stressful not being able to be the person that I am.

It's not that I'm lazy.   I'm far from that.  If anything I'm an overachiever.   The problem is that I underachieve on so many things since MS has gotten worst for me. Using the example of what if I did not have legs ( I can honestly say that because at one time my legs did not work and there is no guarantee that they always will work so when I say what if my legs did not work, I’m speaking from a familiar place)  but I am still expected to walk up the street. With me sitting on the side of the road being an indication of my “laziness”, is there any way that I could go and walk up the street for someone else if I did not have legs to even do so for myself? This is the problem that I'm in; this situation that I am I have no ability to do anything with and yet nobody seems to understand that. I feel like my time here is Lost Time because I can’t get it back and I can’t ever have it again; a chance to be accepted and understood.  MS sucks.

Meeting Dr. Sheldon

Today I met with Dr. Sheldon. She's a really nice lady. It was easy to talk to her even with the transcriber there and Mallory in the room and of course Koche Cooper, who went with me. So dr. Sheldon and I just really talked and she asked me what some of my symptoms are and what are some of the things that I go through, and again it was really easy to talk to her. But as I began to talk to her she began to tell me what instances my diagnosis’  came into play and that helped out a lot because I know doctors have told me in the past, but I forget why they told me those things.  I just kind of take it into my personality or into my identity and speaking with Dr. Sheldon I felt safe and I could really be myself and it felt good to be in that position.

It's hard for me to deal with different doctors. There's a none trust issue that really makes it hard for them to treat me the way that they would like to treat me. Above all else I believe that’s practicing medicine and I know that everything is pretty much experimental because people are all different. We're not all the same. Multiple Sclerosis to me is not the same Multiple Sclerosis as theirs but the thing is we have a lot of similarities. There's some things that the doctor told me that I'm just going to take my time to explore and I'll see her next month

I like Mallory a lot because I don't have another female in my life to take on the feminine things that I need the feminine energy that I need. Mallory can provide a little of that female energy. The doctor talked about my abandonment issues. I didn't tell her that. I didn't tell her a lot. I spoke with her honestly and in a pretty safe mood and I was happy. It's beautiful out here in Denver .I had a really rough night last night with communication and frustration but I woke up this morning happy to be alive and thankful and in a positive space, so I didn't go to dr. Sheldon in a frantic state of mind. I mean I was my normal nervous self but I had Koche Cooper with me and it was alright.

Everyone here respects the fact that I want to go a holistic natural organic route for my treatment,  but they are appreciative that I am willing to at least try their practice and to see if it'll work for me. I'm thankful that today I'm only suffering body pain maybe at a 5 or 6 (especially my arms down to the elbows but I'm alright I am very very much all right and I know that I'm worried about my children always, but I know that I'm trying to stay here with them a little bit longer a lot bit longer and to do that I need to have someone to talk to that can help me out of the emotional entrapments that I found myself into.

I am not the same Attica Lundy That I Used to be. I'm not even the same Attica Lundy Cooper that I was in the beginning. But I am the Attica Lundy Cooper that I am today and that's alright. I am going to try my best to get On The Rise Radio and On The Rise Magazine where they need to be because it's a company that's for our future of the world honestly and especially for my children because this from me and of  me  to them and to their kids and their kids. We have 5 beautiful children that we are very very much proud of and we want to do for them and we have a beautiful grandson that we simply adore and we can't wait until we're at a stable place with my health and our finances that we can all be back together again.

Completely Tired

I spent the greater part of the day trying to get some things accomplished. One of the things that I wanted to do was to put some shows together, and though I was able to schedule the shows on the proper dates and even book talent for three segments,  I was not able to go any further. This is actually quite common and that's one of the obstacles that I face on a daily basis. Just trying to get activities completed is a struggle.  I found that because I'm having such a difficult time completing things, if I start them advance time even if I only get some of it done, I will have enough time to ask for help some.

Im exhausted.  I dont really get good enough rest, not because I don't have the opportunity,  but it's mostly because my mind races all of the time with new ideas or new worries all at the same time. It's so exhausting. I Don't Want To Miss A Moment Of Life and taking a nap to me WILL take me out of the game; at least for that time too.

It's funny, but before I even began the Cannabis treatment I had a fog about me. It's quite frustrating to get stuck in a thought process and just not be able to get the idea or even the right words out. I might not be able to figure out what I was just thinking about or even what I'm  supposed to be thinking about or where I was going with an idea.  Being confused a lot is very frustrating throughout the day because it allows others to have control over me, and depending on how confused i am, paranoia makes me have to second-guess a lot of stuff because it just doesn't seem make sense. The cognitive issues has really put a damper on a lot of things I find myself not wanting to take a lot of the challenges just to not become overwhelmed. 

As we continue to work on the On The Rise projects , I do have more hope. I want to continue to get the word out about people with MS and I want people to continue to understand that multiple sclerosis affects so many people in so many different ways, but we still matter whether we are fully competent or whether we are fully handicapped.   These are my thoughts for the day. I'm tired and hoping I can bring some money in. I want to go to massage therapy at least six times next month.

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Stuck Like Chuck

I've experienced more cognitive issues in the last past years since 2013.  Different patients have different issues when it comes to cognitive issues. For me, I'm currently having difficulty with planning and problem-solving and tending to become overwhelmed and inflexible when a task is too complex. I don't have it in me to have flexibility to generate alternative solutions. I'm in a horrible and confusing "MS FOG". 

I'm glad that at an early age of five, I was tested with a high IQ of 142. Yes....me.  I suppose that’s why going through this isn't as hard because I understand fully what’s going on, even in my hazed mind. Some MS'ers are unaware of their difficulties and have problems monitoring their own behavior. Not me: as soon as I notice it I put my support system on full alert to know what’s going on and to stand in for me. Comprehension of the impact of their behavior on others may also be overlooked by some; by me I know it is hard on my tribe and my business family, but we are in this together.

I am a bit tired of having brilliant ideas that I can't execute. I need more assistants and interns to train in these life skills and wisdom/knowledge I want to pass down. It's hard because I do need a team to get things done for me. I want to do so much but can only do so much. I thank God that I'm able to be a mother to my children and be able to raise them in a multi parent household as opposed to a single parent one. In my family,  we are here together for life....life partners... a tribe dedicated to raising our young in the best environment ever. We are homeschooling, and despite my cognitive issues, I'm still able to contribute greatly to my children's education.  I've created a team that helps with academics. And I concentrated on their enrichment and cultural studies. With home figured out, I still need help with other things...living assistance. Like for instance I'm in a fog when planning meals, and that sucks because I have to waiting first others to prepare my meals.  I get ready time send off an email and it might take me all day or days even to get that done because I get "stuck".  As powerful as I am I feel helpless in my mind at times.  Even with this post, it's day three in the drafts.

 

I won't complain. I'm quite intelligent so when I'm in a fog relapse, I just take it as a vacation.  Playing gtaonline  ps3 is a great help and being a minister and volunteer life coach is easy for me to do...second nature even in the fog.    I can't let this MS beat me and fog or not, that high IQ is still there somewhere in the damaged myelin covering of my mind; just being utilized in a different way.  

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