Transforming

Now that I'm in Colorado, I had to move all of my things here.  Switching states with Social Security and Medicare and taking care essential as well as taking care of business at Human Services. I have to wait until November to see a medical professional but ateast its done. Still looking for housing. And now I have to figure out the children's insurance too.

There are places that allow low income families to rent, but they are hard to come by with the housing as it is. Over 1,000 people are coming into Denver, Colorado's airport every week, moving here. Real estate has gone up, availability has gone down, and homelessness is abundant. I hope to find housing soon before the snow hits.

Like many, I'm sharing housing with others. Its definitely not the peace that I need. Having to conform to others, its not an easy task. I know now that we have got to get assistance in finding the resources needed to find our way around the Colorado ins and outs. Already I'm having issues getting insurance for my kids in Georgia. I have no idea who can assist me, but I know I must find a way. Here it is 2:58am and my roommates have company and I can't sleep around strangers so I have to stay up. This can't happen again, though. I'm thinking on how to make things better for me, so I can be treated like a patient instead of a burden or a target.

I'm learning a lot about people along the way. Not everyone is as courteous as I am not is everyone as kind. It is the things we learn along the way that help pave our paths. I'm growing.

Fingers hurting as I type on the floor of our shared room, I'm trying to take this in, as well. My privacy issues have pretty much reached its pivot and I'm readying a change in my life. Discovering that some people live vicariously while expecting others too shocks me. I've never been so unthoughtful and yet I know others are. I was told the company needed to rest her eyes because she worked late but I know she came to see her friends, smoked with them, etc...she could have gone home  so guess what, she still has to. In the meanwhile, I cant sleep because the room isnt secure. Its 3:12am, but no sleep for me.  As of Nov 1st this place changes. It has to.

I'm tired of moving around. Transition and transformation is huge. Denver is the time and space for change for the better. Change will come.

Cliff Jumpers

When life gets bad, some MS patients want to end it all. When life gets bad for me, I cling to my faith. There are a lot of things that can bring you down, but hanging on is always the best way to go. Life is too precious to give up over circumstance. I'm learning that time in some way heals all wounds, one way or the other.

D the MS patient's memory is still with me. The isolation, the frustration, the pain. On the other side if that was the laughter, TV shows, her sense if humor, and talks of her son. I remember making smoothies with her, and comparing our MS experiences. The worst memory is finding her lifeless body. To see the ultimate "give up" was hard. I'm still quite upset about it considering all I've gone through.

Had my children been with me, I'm sure I'd made different choices, but they aren't so I went a different route. One that hasn't been the best experience. Im out of one situation but here I am in a place unfamiliar and not as secure as I'd hoped.  Being in a relapse and being sensitive to so my environment is challenging, to say the least. I'm glad I'm not giving up but Lord knows this is hard. Moving from where we were to where we are is progress but still uncertain and the uncertainty is probably one of the things that worries me the most, which causes panic.

I'm pushing through.

Tingles

I'm on the number 12 Denver bus headed to job and housing interviews and of all times, my right hand begins to tingle. The first thing I do is shake my hand to make sure its not poor circulation going. Its not, that I'm aware of. So what then?

I'm still in relapse. Everything that makes me panic is now intensified. Mainly its finding housing and jobs. But also my panic attacks are being esculated and that's making things worst.

" Numbness of the face, body or extremities (arms and legs) is one of the most common symptoms of MS. Often it’s the first symptom experienced by those eventually diagnosed with MS. The numbness may be mild or so severe that it interferes with the ability to use the affected body part. For example, a person with very numb feet may have difficulty walking. Numb hands may prevent writing, dressing, or holding objects safely.

People with MS who have severe facial numbness should be very careful when eating or chewing, as they may unwittingly bite the inside of their mouth or tongue. People with numbness over other parts of the body should be careful around fires, hot water and other sources of heat, as they may suffer a burn without realizing it.

There are no medications to relieve numbness. Fortunately, however, most instances of numbness are not disabling, and tend to remit on their own. In very severe cases, a neurologist may prescribe a brief course of corticosteroids, which often can temporarily restore sensation."

Sites Cited:

http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Symptoms-Diagnosis/MS-Symptoms/Numbness

Migraine Pain Cap

 After having to get back on BC powder, needless to say I'm disappointed.  My sister friend Jameian and I   were talking about how bad our migraines were. For months I'd been looking at a product called the IceKap http://www.icekap.ca, and so when I thought about it, I sent her the link. I didn't think about it again for another week when I was outside my hotel room earlier today talking to a neighbor Jacqueline about massisve migraines. Its more common than not.

My conversation with Jacqueline brought up the fact that doctors will prescribe you sometimes multiple pills and/or several dosages just to keep the pain managed. She just went to a Colorado hospital for a few days of illness and they prescribed oxycotton for an upset stomach, severe abdominal pain, and no appetite! What are they doing to us? Smh

The concept of the ice kap is promising for patients like me and others like me who want no more pharmaceutical treatments and more of a natural organic alternative.It's made so you can Ice it For Migraines, Headaches, Hangovers, Chemotherapy, Cold and Flu symptoms, and  Concussions ( the Medical grade gel packs hold temperature up to 45 minutes). It is also made so you can Heat it for Muscle Aches, Fibromyalgia, Stress Relief, Chemotherapy, Cold and Flu symptoms (Medical grade gel packs hold temperature up to 45 minutes). The Ice Kap uses essential oil liniment, which is great. On my own, I've been dabbling around with essential oils. Peppermint seems to help with headache. I'd probably use that, as well, if its not included.

"How your Icekap works…

Icekap uses a combination of cryotherapy, aromatherapy and pressure therapy to treat symptoms. Cryotherapy is the general use of cold temperatures in medical therapy or the removal of heat from a body part. During a migraine the blood vessels in the head dilate causing pain. These vessels become swollen with blood and thus put pressure on the nerves surrounding the vessels. Both heat and cooling therapies use temperature manipulation to reduce migraine/ headache pain.

The use of cold therapy (Cryotherapy) is believed to cause the swollen blood vessels to constrict, thus reducing the pressure of the migraine/ headache pain. The use of heat therapy increases blood flow, increasing the amount of fresh blood, oxygen and nutrients to the head."

So what's the cost for non pill pain relief?
Icekap kit including 01 - Icekap - Small
Icekap $59.99, 02 - Essential Oil
Essential Oil $12.99, and 03 - Extra Gel Packs
$19.99 Total $92.97 Shipping $9.00 $101.97 Sales Tax    Grand Total $101.97

I totally think it's worth it. I'm putting it on my wish list.

Panic Anxiety Disorder

Last month was a hard month for us emotionally. The Bennet Colorado experience was both beneficial but also harmful. Initially we felt like we made the right decision on choosing Bennett over Denver, but when you have the opportunity to be off meds for the first time in years, your judgment can be cloudy. Bennett's "unique situation" ended up being a passisve aggressive cestpool of death, isolation, loneliness, and just a whole lot of pathetic people. From having a roommate commit suicide and blaming the landlord ...the landlord being arrested for stalking the neighbor whom she claims murdered her birds, the overly emotional love-scorned so-called mystic, my health being risked by an incoming roommate with active shingles, the inconsiderate remodeling of the restroom including removal of toilet, and the fact that no matter how much we helped out and paid our bills peace was not allowed. We moved after being given two weeks notice to vacate for not agreeing to one on one solo time between the landlord, a self proclaimed "sub" into bdsm and my husband. My husband will never listen to a crazy deranged sub. The experience was really hard. I had to begin asking for outside help, and am still in relapse as of today.

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Mainly I'm having severe panic anxiety. When I was first diagnosed with MS, bipolar and panic anxiety disorder were listed as well. Later Disassociation disorder and PTSD were added. As long as my mind is occupied with relaxing thoughts or clients therapy, I'm fine but as soon as I think about my family being so many miles away or our financial situation, I'm sent into a panic. This is throughout the day everyday. Its not good at all.

Do not exacerbate a panic attack

It is possible that family members and friends will be present during an individual’s panic attack. It is imperative that family members and friends do not escalate the situation by becoming overly emotional. Instead, family members and friends can assist the person who is suffering from a panic attack by remaining calm and reassuring. This is enhanced by, as noted above, being educated about the nature of panic disorder. If family members and friends become anxious, upset, or even angry when their loved one experiences a panic attack, the individual can be adversely affected by feeling guilty, embarrassed, or ashamed. These feelings can often lead to increased anxiety, loneliness, and isolation.

Speaking with Colorado's Human Services department, my husband was able to get resource information for us. We have plans on others coming here to partner with us to lighten the load, but until that happens I can't calm down. If that happens. Thoughts of panic cloud my mind.

Looking for work with/for my husband each day and then re-evaluating the choices of possible jobs has been making me anxious. My only solace is even back in Atlanta I could have relapsed, so at least it's somewhere with safe access.

I miss my children. If I had them with me, I wouldn't hurt as much. I feel so sick inside. I hate living off disability and not being well. I just want to be well. I miss it, too.

Yesterday the doctor approved me to grow well above the normal amount of cannabis for my medical needs. It always surprises me how the doctors are pleased with how the MS is with me...how it could be worst. Cannabis has helped, but in a relapse I'm truly afraid it's not enough. I'm back on xanax and restoril and not happy about it.

Site reference credits:
http://expertbeacon.com/what-do-if-your-loved-one-having-severe-panic-attack/#.VhhPViXnbqA

Hiccups

I haven't been writing as much as I planned to. Depression and anxiety disrupted my peace of mind.

After I got my daughter situated, my son who is attending freshman semester of college ran into some snags. He needed a laptop. He needed parking for school. He needed food money. On an income that's as low as mine, its been hard to manage but doable... Until now.

So I'm all the way out here in Colorado and my kids are all the way in Georgia and where I am in Bennett, Colorado is nowhere near any possible jobs or public transportation. After a lot of issues here, we are moving closer to Denver and then maybe we can progress more to the point where not only am I healthy but we can help more financially with our children.

Multiple Sclerosis patients go through a lot, as do PTSD patients. Having both of those along with other psychological issues stemming from those is so hard to manage in a stressful environment. Unfortunately, living with others who don't understand that has been toxic to my recovery.  Caring for someone with multiple sclerosis (MS) involves unique stresses and uncertainties. The disease is unpredictable. Caregivers may not know from one week to the next how MS will affect the patient. The patient may experience dramatic mood swings. They may also confront new physical challenges that could require changes to their environment. My main symptom has been severe anxiety. Most anxiety is not caused by medical problems. Anxiety is a mental health disease, and it's often created through a combination of life experiences, coping ability, and genetics. But in some cases anxiety can be caused by something physically wrong, and one example of such an issue is multiple sclerosis.

Multiple sclerosis, or MS, is a terrifying disease. While generally rare (1 in every 1,000 women, and 1 in every 3,000 men), the illness can cause a host of physical problems, and unfortunately anxiety is one of them. I go around others and smile and small talk then as soon as I can I escape back to safety in my room.

One of the best first steps as a caregiver is staying calm and assessing what you need to support your loved one. I needed more isolation away from others in our room so he did what was needed. (Sigh) But the things I have learned and experienced have been beneficial to my recovery as well.

During the time when things started looking south, a group of women that I befriended, began bonding with, and began gifting free counciling with online began to form sisterhood with me. They helped me get through some tough times and are still with me.  Jesus (my husband Rafael) spends 24 hours a day with me since our co-partner left, but lately he's had a little break somewhat so he can get some of our business done because they have been keeping me company and calm. By allowing me to help them, I'm able to distract myself from my own stressors. Things had been getting bad. Raf's car accident (when he got hit twice back to back on purpose with the car that his ex friend "B" was driving) began making his body hurt when he did work around the Bennett house which made him not be able to do as much for the house as planned before, which was part of our agreement for staying here, so it became one of the problems at the house anyway. People acted like he was lazy, but really his body hurt and he doesn't have insurance and his main priority is me, and nobody else here cares about his health but me.  We paid our rent, deposits, utilities, gas money, and labor to work off some of the tincture and phoenix tears oil for my treatment and gave it a try but clearly it wasn't working out. There's a lot more to it, but basically it began to come to a head because  On 9/12/15 the other male tenant came and asked me if my husband could pull some weeds out back since they were having a cookout. It was Auset day (Saturday) so i told him we couldn't because we had made plans already. Well, bad news came on our phone from our family and I'd sent off a text message about a death in our family and I also had tremors and we couldn't make it to the cookout to our landlord  but got no response, on 9/14/15 there was attitude towards Raf, and our landlord requested a private meeting with him which we declined because she seemed hostile and actually told me that what she had to say to him she didn't want me to hear because it wasn't nice.... and 9/15/15 we got requests for the landlord to speak with my husband privately again and when we refused to do solo talks with just him and her due to the need of a witness she said if she couldn't have a private talk with him then we needed to vacate in two weeks, on that same day 9/15/15 we received notice to vacate. Its a long story leading up to that but long story short, its time to move on. 

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The last day here according to the email is 9/30/15. Funds are non existent at the moment as far as I can tell but we will find a way. Some nice sisters have pledged to help us out since this was unexpected, so I'm grateful but still a bit afraid until the funds actually arrive. So much to catch up on in future posts, I've been quiet out of fear of backlash but this is what's been going on with me.  The IRS still won't release our funds and I am just so tired of identity theft. My debit card company had to re-issue my new card because someone got it before it got to me. All these financial issues with money we have that won't be released or is somehow blocked... Gotta be a blessing around the corner somewhere, I think. Thank GOD my oldest and his girlfriend are bringing new life into the world soon. I'm so happy to be a grandmother! So with the bad, there is still light.

I've got a headache but we did stock up on food earlier when we had access to transportation so for now we are eating too.

Had I still had the children with me, we would have made different decisions but since my health is the focus and the kids are safe and sound in Georgia, we can move around more freely...so as long as they are alright I know we can make it through. This is just a little hiccup on the road to recovery, and hiccups do go away. :)

The last day here according to the email is 9/30/15. Funds are non existent at the moment as far as I can tell but we will find a way. Some nice sisters have pledged to help us out since this was unexpected, so I'm greatful but still a bit afraid until the funds actually arrive. So much to catch up on in future posts, I've been quiet out of fear of backlash but this is what's been going on with me.  The IRS still won't release our funds and I am just so tired of identity theft. My debit card company had to re-issue my new card because someone got it before it got to me. All these financial issues with money we have that won't be released or is somehow blocked... Gotta be a blessing around the corner somewhere, I think. Thank GOD my oldest and his girlfriend are bringing new life into the world soon. I'm so happy to be a grandmother! So with the bad, there is still light.

I've got a headache but we did stock up on food earlier when we had access to transportation so for now we are eating too.

Had I still had the children with me, we would have made different decisions but since my health is the focus and the kids are safe and sound in Georgia, we can move around more freely...so as long as they are alright I know we can make it through. This is just a little hiccup on the road to recovery, and hiccups do go away. :)

Doing The Right Thing By Our Children

I spoke with my princesses birth dad and step mom today. MS has really taken a toll on who I am in terms of who I used to be. I've raised several children and have a college freshman and my oldest about to have my first grandchild...but my princess has had it rough...we've lived with MS since she was two. She was diagnosed with ADHD long ago and that made it harder because she's not as independent as her brothers were. So I allowed her to go to school from her dad's house out of state instead of being held back by me and multiple sclerosis any longer.

I miss her. I miss her smile and her laughter and even her crankyness. MS has robbed me of so much but I will not continue to allow it to rob my children anymore. Visits on breaks will be nice because it won't be as intense as during school time. I feel like I was absolutely no help when it came to her schooling and my support team for a special needs child isn't what I would want it to be...I can't do math anymore of even complete projects or even feel like doing them. Money is tight, too.  I'm tired. Been doing this MS monster waltz since 2004 and I'm so tired. Quiet as its kept, my kids are tires of it too.

Princess's step mom is a dream come true. Her aunt has MS aonshe knows my struggle. I was afraid that Princess's father would take her from me because I had MS, but he finally convinced me that he won't. I can send her there but it would kill me if they took her from me. But her dad and step mom have ensures she's safe and I'm safe so now I can sleep at night.

Her step mom told me to just take care of myself. I'm in Colorado now treating the MS in my body all organically with organic diet (non gmo), cannibus and other herbs, essential oils and most of my journey is on my blog here . Hopefully when my money is right i can go visit my little one.  I'm sorry she's doing so poorly in school but they will catch her back up.

I feel like I'm winning. My husband is my twin Flame and caretaker and he isn't letting anything happen to me on his watch. I'm so happy that me and my baby have the support that we need, even in these most unlikely places. <3