Lost Time

What gets me is that once I have been sent on a tangent, it takes me longer to come down from it than the ones who initially sent me into it.  It’s not worth it, you’d think, but what about if your mind and emotion won’t shut it down.  That’s me, living in hell again and being the only one to suffer from the lost time, time that I can’t get back.

My trouble seems to be communication and depression mainly, as well as anxiety.  Really tired of going through it.  What is Progressive multiple sclerosis?   Things just seem to keep getting worst for me.  I try my best to be “ in the game” but at the same time I'm fully aware but I'm not able to be the same participant but I used to be and it's so stressful not being able to be the person that I am.

It's not that I'm lazy.   I'm far from that.  If anything I'm an overachiever.   The problem is that I underachieve on so many things since MS has gotten worst for me. Using the example of what if I did not have legs ( I can honestly say that because at one time my legs did not work and there is no guarantee that they always will work so when I say what if my legs did not work, I’m speaking from a familiar place)  but I am still expected to walk up the street. With me sitting on the side of the road being an indication of my “laziness”, is there any way that I could go and walk up the street for someone else if I did not have legs to even do so for myself? This is the problem that I'm in; this situation that I am I have no ability to do anything with and yet nobody seems to understand that. I feel like my time here is Lost Time because I can’t get it back and I can’t ever have it again; a chance to be accepted and understood.  MS sucks.

Distress Under Fire

I get overwhelmed very easily.   Once I'm in a frantic state of thinking, it's best for me just to walk away from whatever situation if it all I can when I feel like I can't get out of the situation. I understand that I just drift off into my mind into my mood space, into solitude I can prevent the worst from happening.  

This is typical, but I hate that it affects me so much. I’m trying to spread awareness, but when it happens to me it’s really hard for those around me to relate to the information provided:

Recognition and testing

Early recognition, assessment and treatment are important because cognitive changes — along with fatigue — can significantly affect a person’s quality of life and are the primary cause of early departure from the workforce. The first signs of cognitive dysfunction may be subtle — noticed first by the person with MS or by a family member or colleague.

• Difficulty finding the right words
• Trouble remembering what to do on the job or during daily routines at home
• Difficulty making decisions or showing poor judgment
• Difficulty keeping up with tasks or conversations

Talk to your physician if you are concerned about cognitive dysfunction. A specially trained health professional (neuropsychologist, speech/ language pathologist or occupational therapist) will administer a battery of tests and careful evaluation in order to determine the cause(s) of changes (since cognitive function can also be affected by aging or medications, as well as depression, anxiety, stress and fatigue). (info from http://www.nationalmssociety.org/Symptoms-Diagnosis/MS-Symptoms/Cognitive-Changes

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On this 9th day of my #45DayRawFoodDietChallenge, part of the difficulty for me has been remembering how to get the meals together. It’s easy, right?  No cooking involved?  WRONG.  IT’S VERY DIFFICULT AND CONFUSING FOR ANYONE, but for a MS patient it feels like the worst thing in the world. This “fog” makes me just not be able to do things, like even providing meals. I can just stick something in my mouth but for other people to depend on me, this is really difficult.  I can’t decide on things which means planning which means I can’t do it.  I can do it, but it’s taking me forever in between just having to zone out.  I want to succeed in this challenge and in life, it’s just that having people to depend on me is hard.  I’m not always reliable and that hurts.  It hurts to not possibly complete a task due to the stress of having to interact with others in order to do something. What have I signed up for?

"Not as sharp as you used to be? You’re not alone. An estimated 60% of people with MS experience some sort of cognitive dysfunction in their lifetime. It might become harder to remember things, to concentrate or to plan and organize. And just like physical symptoms in MS, no two people experience these cognitive dysfunctions the same way" http://www.nationalmssociety.org/NationalMSSociety/media/MSNationalFiles/Documents/Momentum_Memory-Loss.pdf

Well, see the issue is not being alone isn't helping my situation. How can I live in this world as an active member of society and in my family not being able to remember things, concentrate or plan and organize? OH, THE DISABILITY INCOME. Ha! That's a joke in itself. I don't want to hear "You're not trying hard enough" or "Oh, it's always something". If I had no legs and couldn't cross the street would it be "Oh, it's always something" or "You're not trying hard enough"? NO! It's because i have an invisible disability and because people can't see it, they assume I shouldn't be frustrated about it or not be frustrated at them for not acknowledging that's what's going on and to cut me slack and not make me feel like crap for not being able to do stuff out of whatever reason my mind won't focus on it. Day 10 should have come with all the answers, that's for sure, and it would have made my life so much easier.
Signed,
I'm hungry, tired, and scared but keeping on this challenge if I can.
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Gifts of the Universe

It's amazing all of the gifts of the universe

I knew today was going to be a really good day so far because I started off with a delicious fruit smoothie with protein.

I feel really good about taking advantage of this diet challenge because it gives me an opportunity to eat healthy with no judgement.

It gives me an opportunity to learn and to grow and to share and to independently take control over at least some aspects of my life

because my husband and I and opportunity to do something as a team

I mean truly we already live as a team we make this world happen for us together as a team

but it means a lot to me to be working on a project to be responsible for others and to be team leaders, and it’s awesome.  I couldn’t do this alone honestly and I’m nervous but The challenge  is to make food, to harvest food, and to eat food with someone it's nothing that I take lightly gifts of the universe.

Even with funding being low we were still able to meet our nutritional needs and pleasure our tastebuds, and that really means alot to me. And then today to top everything off to make it even better I walked into Broadway Smoke Shop and received this beautiful letter from my little sister Amanda accompanied by this beautiful help wallet waiting for me that goes perfectly with my big sized hemp dime bag purse.  Especially since I’m wearing my afro out. I feel amazing! I hope everyone else does, too!

DAY 8- #45DayRawFoodDietChallenge #gratitude #gifts

Eating Raw Can Help Regulate Blood Pressure #45DayRawFoodDIetChallenge Day 4

Today I went to the grocery store to get veggies and fruit.  It's been a stressful day, DAY 4.  Day 4 came with a lot of dismay about food; what to eat, how to feel full, as well as doubt from the MS community that this can help us.

I took a blood pressure check today and I wasn't too happy about the results, but was very grateful that this is Day 4 on the right path.  #Gratitude .  I'm thankful GOD placed it on my heart to do this walk for MS Awareness AND Health Awareness because had I not, I may not have been prompted to do the blood pressure check and to do the research for it this soon in the challenge.  God Winks.

Immediatly I found this link https://health.clevelandclinic.org/2014/08/eating-raw-veggies-best-for-blood-pressure/ and I am looking for more.

Also Mallory is no more. Now there's another ( I have her number), but I told her about the broken promise AND the scam from before and she's gonna make note that I'm going through the most and need some understanding from my doctors. I'm in a good place.

I did advise my challenge group that I needed encouragement and I needed them to participate and appreciated them for doing so. I'm happy.  We are all learning how to live healthier.

I do need kitchen equipment to assist me in the raw food diet lifestyle, so please click on the donate links and send a lil something to me, or do so here http://paypal.me/atticalundypr/

Taking the challenge

I'm happy about the #45DayRawFoodDietChallenge that I'm hosting.  Food is costly, but it means so much that my husband Rafael, our friends Bri and Chavon, our family Larry and Latreece (and Samantha, the mother of one of our sons) , and friends from all over are involved.

I'm spreading awareness about multiple sclerosis, and also health awareness all across the board.  Some of the MS patients are afraid and I get that, but during the spread of awareness I'm learning how similar I am to some people, so it makes me feel less alone.

So far, this is what I'm posting to people so that they know what I'm spreading awareness.

Walk with me.#supportmsawareness . For my walk I wanted to also#supporthealthawareness. That includes:
#supportcancerawareness
#supportlupusawareness 
#supportkidneydiseaseawareness
#supportdiabetesawareness
#supportfibromyalgaawareness
#supporthighbloodpressureawareness
#supportsicklecellanemiaawareness
#sypportheartdiseaseawareness
#supportanemiaawareness
#Supportendometriosisawareness
#supportobesityawareness
#supportadhdawareness
#supportbipolardisorderawareness
#supportdepressionawareness
And more!
#FOODFORTHOUGHT
#45DAYRAWFOODDIETCHALLENGE

So follow my hashtag and see what I'm doing :) 

On another note my neck and back are killing me.  I'm less aggressive, so I think the gabapentin is out of my system.  I don't really know what my doctor will say about that. My husband is taking good care of me and I've been away from people that would annoy me. <3

Of course, it's not easy eating raw on a small budget.  While I am participating in the challenge, I am also challenged on what I can eat due to cost.  A friend of mine who has MS also says she tries to eat raw as much as possible but unfortunately it's not always affordable. I totally relate to it, so I am asking people to donate to me.  I can teach so much I think because I need this to get better, I think, along with the herbs.  Another MS patient just does not believe that diet can reverse certain conditions such as MS, and I'm convinced that it probably does. I'm happy. At least I have some people doing this with me.  I can't do the green smoothies with the leafs in my blender, so I have to get a better one.  

Stupid Mindracing

Since I quit Gabapentin, I'm feeling still uneasy.  I'm more snappy with people...I really can't help it AND I'm having issues remembering people.  Initially I will pretend to know them so that it's not so awkward but I continuously look for little hints that will reveal who they are to me.  It can be embarrassing.  This is why I prefer for my team to handle it.

Once again we have a stalker.  No...not me and my husband, but one of my team mates.  This is so bothersome, that we have to get restraining orders. The entertainment industry is so filled with people who are violent and it really makes no sense.  We are filled up with words that we are offended by.  I'm doing my best to continue to keep up this blog, but it's really hard sometimes to read my own posts down the road because of all that I go through.

Mind racing is understandable.  Depression is understandable because I miss my family and money is tight at the moment with work slowing down.  I really want to get some natural stuff instead of the pills she gave me if I can't have the regular anxiety meds but I don't have the funds for that either.

I've been taking low dosage of it for a couple of months off and on over the years, here only 100mg , but now I'm kinda stuck in a depression because i'm not medicated.  Not medicated as in this month I took care of all my bills up front so the rest is earn as we go, and things are slow.  I can handle being not medicated, but I can't handle me being snappy on everyone, impatient, aggravated, etc.  I try to hide but people need me, and I understand that. Really I just want to rest but I can't get money if I don't rest.  Any little thing can set me off, so i'm trying hard to hold onto sane.  My baby is going to her 8th grade prom and miscommunication with her other parent has gotten me in a mind race. I asked everyone to be patient with me while I get myself together and I'll handle things towards the end of the month and already one of them has sent me into a panic attack and one has my mind racing and one blatantly does what I ask them not to do and one is definitely insistent that I worry about their issues and not my own and this is not peace for me.  My saving grace has been my faith.  My faith and my hope that people will stop taking for grated that without peace, I get ill.  Ain't that something, smh.

I'm happy to concentrate on my ministry again.  I have my online prayer alter room open if anyone wants to pop in and feel the love.  Sometimes I do, and it reminds me who to pray for since my mind isn't the same as it once was anyway.  I do the best I can do, ya know...and I don't forget my faith.  

Mothers Day Without Mom

They say you can either like Rick James or Teena Marie; you can't like both. #ILikeRickJames I LOVE Teena Marie, but LIKE is different.

I love a lot of people, actually. Mother's Day reminds me of Love. I used to associate it with Pain, but a lot of wounds have been healed and on this day I love on my mother's grandchildren and great grandchildren. I pray the prayers she would have prayed. My mother was disabled at the end of her life, and Cancer killed her. She was a beautiful woman, as all can see. Some people threw shade on her for living her life the way she wanted to, me included. Like anyone else, she deserved some and didn't deserve some...and either way she was happy. My Karma is what it is and either way I am happy. This is peace.

I don't fret too much when my kids do "them" because we all have this one life on earth to make our mark. I've taught them things they needed to know but ultimately it's their lives. I got to speak to some of our children, others inboxed/texted, and some we love from afar. I never really got a chance to be around my mother or my father due to circumstance, but I know that I'm such a big part of them, I see how this works. I am an essence of their spirit here on earth, sometimes parallel to them and other times further ahead or behind. I've been accused of not making sense but this makes so much sense to me.

My mother thankfully never got to witness this side of me. Had she, I surely thing it would have broken her heart. I'm glad she never knew about how hard my life has been since being diagnosed. To her, I was doing what I was supposed to do and taking care of my children. MS came a few years after she passed away literally, and it's the only way my daughter knows me as. It's so different having mothers' day without mom around.

My mother moved to another state without me, and that is where she died. I hope that's not my fate, because I do want to see my children again and I want to meet my grandson. There's too much stress in Atlanta for me, but I'm not afraid to go there. It's just not the best place for me to be and I'm glad my mother allowed me to stay on my own...because had she not and I had to move where she was, I may not have met Trinity's father and had her. Everything happens for a reason, I know this. I just hope my children find peace in having mothers day without mom should I leave this place. This mothers day was a good practice, actually.

I'll probably say this many times, but happy Mothers Day to mothers everywhere, and if you deserve the shade I throw your way just remember, i'll do it in silence because it is what it is. I Just want this day to be happy <3

#RIPMIKI