Finding myself

The whole thing about my account was a false alarm, but it showed me just how panicky I am. Not to be able to trust anyone is very hard; to be in the world in a sensitive mental state is scary.  Depression, anxiety, ptsd, trauma from it all, just everything is quite overwhelming, and I want to be "normal" again.

I remember years ago when I checked myself into an anger management program. I had to learn how to deal with my anger issues without resulting to violence.  It was hard not to just knock the heck out of someone if they rubbed me wrong, or to stop imagining doing something harmful to them; so I took the program and to this day it still works for me.  Because I know therapy works, I don't feel so helpless; so I went to a new program for victims of trauma.

I appreciate my medical team for assisting me in getting set up with this new program.  I am a complete advocate for therapy if it's to help someone.  As I stated in the video, it's a commitment but I committed to getting better for myself and for my family.  I was surprised at how many of us (in the group) were struggling financially because where we live it's expensive (but we are here primarily because our health care is very good).  It was scary being around other's as afraid as I was, but the life coach in me was able to come and give some of the women the feeling that they were not alone.  I was quite surprised, but being around a circle of women (it's female only with the exception of my dog #kochecooper ) did not freak me out.  The best part is that I felt safe and hubby was there to meet me when I got out.  That's still my one steady stability as far as my world goes at the moment.  I was afraid that hearing other women's stories would trigger something in me, but we didn't get deep into issues and so it was a really safe zone.  Day 1 of getting better, and of finding myself. 

And I didn't even cry today.

Identity issues

I'm so hurt right now. He checked the mail and a letter from someone had come informing me that my new direct deposit would be going through. I dont know how this could be true because in reality never was able to complete the request.. I'd meant to but got the wrong info so I was going tomorrow.  Today is Sunday, I'm going Monday so how can this request be in?

So I freaked out. They are closed today, so is my doctor,  so is my manager.  How did this happen?

People that I trust have my personal information but I handle my own business so I'm afraid someone has used my identity again.

It goes deeper than that. On a spiritual level I feel cursed and alone. Seems like I've had it bad since day one. I really have to question my existence because life cannot be this horrific.  I'm terrified and it's as if I have to depend on the enemy in order to get by. I don't feel safe. I don't know who to trust. I don't know why any of this os happening to me.

My skin itches, and my legs hurt and I am huddled up in my room...'Done cried my eyes out'. I'm sick.  But I won't harm myself...what, and rid myself of all this awesome torture and determination? No, apparently someone or something will surely kill me, because I just keep going and going and going on this hellish existence out if respect for my creator, the universe, and because my life is not my own to take. I'm stuck.

I thank God I have a bed to sleep in, shelter, the kitchen stuff tho meek just perfect because I have lost my desire and will to eat solid foods, but I just very healthy twice a day at least so I'm getting pure organic nutrients.

I can't stop the images now. Every bad thing and recent conversations and ...just all sorts of thoughts race through my mind right now. I do not want to talk to anyone. I want to sleep or game. I hate that I've seen movies like the terminator and like anything that brings me into more hell and violence. 

This is the life of me, raw freak out moment. I'm going to take a nap. I refuse to take a xanax.  I had some cannabis so I'm beginning to relax a bit.

clonazepam

So I'm now on Clonazepam instead of xanax.  The side effect i'm concerned about is that Some people have thoughts about suicide when taking seizure medication. UGH, I mean....I'm already depressed enough. I am not suicidal but lord knows i don't like living like this....so what is this pill gonna do exactly to make me wanna end it all?  Ugh, whatever.  I'm keeping myself in my prayers. 

She says it's for anxiety.  

And prazosin that I take at night should keep the nightmares away she said.

And the prozac in the mornings. This is too dayum much.

I'm taking cannabis for pain because i refuse to keep taking a gazillion pills. I just wanna come out of this.  But this is the only way to keep the thoughts from taking over.  

While I'm Away

So pretty much my life is in full panic mode.  I can bare a smile for my children but for the rest of the world, I stay unseen.  PTSD is horrible horrible horrible. I'm going to have to go to a trauma group (20 sessions) and hopefully I can escape this nightmare I'm in.  And now I'm on new meds AGAIN and still can't see the specialist i need to see.  And to think...I was doing so well.

I really trust nobody.  I can't help it.  The world lies to me, corners me, and is never there for me.  I want my kids in therapy but nobody listens to me.  I'm barely writing this because I want everyone to know that PTSD on top of MS pretty much has me in the worst depression ever in life.  As if that could ever happen, right? They're worried about me.  I am too.

Friggin' Nervous Breakdown.

I find moments when I can completely calm down with the help of medication to have a very simple but important conversation, then i'm back off into my world because I can't be in everyone else's world.  I only pull myself together for the important stuff then I crumble again, sometimes during. It's really hard. I'm trying to stay to myself so I won't have triggers. And I often fear someone will put me in a hospital but my doctor told me today that I'm just traumatised and nobody would do that to me for that; it's not my fault. I'm always feeling set-up, though.  Weird to explain.  I'm stuck in this place in this time with my mind and so hopefully these meds and therapy will help me out of this hell.

I love my new room.  I haven't decorated yet but I love it.  The person I wanted to help me decorate ...well, i'll have to do it by myself and i'm fine with white walls for now.  I'm too short to climb up on things and my equilibrium is a bit off so I can't stand of anything anyway.  People don't understand that.

Doc is proud of me for gaming again  I can't stay awake that long to play but I try to get in at least three days a week. I really don't want to do it but it's a part of the therapy.  I really don't want to do anything other than sleep.  And I did 8 pushups which was amazing.  Now i'm hurting but that's normal.

It's a severe weather alert going on which means I get to sleep incredibly.  I pray these new meds are not going to harm me.  I plan on using my dehydrator tomorrow to see what it can do since I have some left over veggies from my smoothies.  I've lost all kind of weight so today I forced myself to eat something other than drinking a smoothie.  I hate eating.  I hope I get out of all of this nonsense, really.  

Trust

I see my Dr tomorow she will help me through this. I'm lost and can't trust a soul.

Losing my mind

The most horrible shit I ever could have imagined was screamed to me in a horrible outburst that I keep reliving over and over again, I'm past gone, and I'm trying to hold it together in front of my kids and the one person all this insanity is surrounded by is the one person who is helping me not seizure, through the terror, through everything. I'm on pills again (friggin' prozac, xanax, something for high blood pressure and baclofen and I keep forgetting to make a neuro appointment which i'm gonna do tomorrow. My legs tingle. I almost had a small tremor attack. I can't eat solid foods, only smoothies and water. Not even eating fruit.  I have crying spells throughout the day, I'm scared TO DEATH of everything, of people, of the unknown, of living. Death beckons me, I hear it.  All my life nightmare after nightmare. To hell with the judges, i'm trying to survive and trying not to snap. Death would be a gift right now, I really need life insurance asap. GOD bless us.

Life isn't always pretty, mine never has been. 

Letting Go Of Triggers Begins On The Inside

Just took a blood pressure pill; first one i've ever had in my entire life. PTSD is a horrible thing. I'm glad it's getting treated properly. Today was stressful trying to communicate with family in Atlanta, so I decided to go get the meds from the pharmacy that i've been avoiding because nothing is worth a stroke. I have to be treated apparently for my temperament because I have the inability to "turn down" on a situation and it could end up stroking me out. Anywhoo.... Anyone that knows me knows I hate pills so of course I poured half of it out before i took it. I admit it. Anyway Pills can be the cause all kinda DEATH of organs and of life and definitely quality of life (sometimes), so i'm really cautious. And yes lots of people take meds but I'm one that does not want to take meds; I just wanna live in peace and continue to heal, ya know. I thank GOD for my husband, my children, my grandchild, my dog, my granddog and his new family (hey P & E).

On a more personal note, my 4 year wedding anniversary allowed me to let bygones be bygones when it comes to past relationships and situations. As I said, I have serious issues and I am admitting that PTSD is no joke, and I will surely get to a point where I raise more awareness about it, too, for sure because think about it...soldiers come back with this so you can imagine the type of wars civilians like myself have gone through to get to this point. And yet I rise up every day the lord gives me a notion to and I live; maybe not on the standards most of society but in a way where I see my husband everyday, I have a loving and friendly (when not under fire) relationship with my children who are close and my inner circle and the world via On The Rise Magazine and On The Rise Radio. I have a voice. So with anything in my rear view, I'm wishing them well from the other side and I'm keeping it moving. Never fight and push for anything that compromises your health and your sanity, welcome deliverance, and live and love only in the light. That goes for everyone.