Progression

  When I was 31 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I already had anxiety and depression prior to MS, but Within three more years I was also diagnosed with BiPolar Anxiety Disorder, then within three more years PTSD and Panic disorder. My life consists of managing all of these illnesses while remaining a part of society. All of that, parenting, marriage, and career has never been an easy feat. As I get older, I've noticed that therapy and constant medical care keep me afloat, and I'm very thankful of that. But as my illnesses progress, I'm saddened by the fact that any of this is going on in the first place. I'm 45 and I just want to be able to go back in time to 2004 and refuse the hepatitis B vaccination that my primary doctor coerced me into accepting and that I strongly believe had something to do with me getting Multiple Sclerosis and if I'm not mistaken I also had optic neuritis once, too even though the study done regarding this determined the vaccine does not cause these ( https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17597263 ).  Bipolarism can be a direct result of Multiple Sclerosis, and that's been one of my biggest symptoms lately.

  In my mind I am terrified of taking a bath or shower alone. My main fear is that I will die while I'm doing either one because something could happen and nobody would be there to save me. I had an aunt die in the bathroom. So many traumatic experiences increased the intensity of the PTSD,  Coupled with the fact that I really don't even feel like going through all the energy it takes to shower or bathe due to bipolar depression. Thankfully, I don't stink and if I were stinking I think I would do something about it. I hope I would. I feel like a child who won't bathe or groom themselves. But I'm not a child nor am I unable to physically bathe myself or even groom myself. I just can't bring myself to do it most of the time. Mental Illness is real, especially people with Multiple Sclerosis. I hope this touches someone and prompts them to do more research. Meds aren't always the answer, but if needed take them as prescribed and don't be afraid to get therapy.

  It's crazy how the time from 2004 to 2018 has gone from up to down in a span of only fourteen years. Yesterday I felt something was wrong but I didn't understand it until today. If Multiple Sclerosis causes Bipolar disorder, then maybe Bipolar episodes are MS relapses as well. Either way, I'm going to try to keep my projects going on and elevating myself. I'm also going to try to manage my symptoms better so I can break away from the phobias.  GOD is with me.