Abilify

Today I started Abilify.  No, it's not the cannabis; it's the world that i'm trying to fit back into and this is part of the treatment.

I said before that I do not play about mental health.  In 2004 when I was diagnosed with MS, I was mostly upset because it affected my actual brain.  That's going all in.  I was devastated.  I began twitching long after the initial relapse was gone and I was in "MS Remission" because I'd have to relive the "bad news" over and over and over again constantly.  Learning to communicate with others was simple enough because I would hide the fact that I was reliving it over and over again.  And thais the PTSD aspect of it and I typically don't get treated via pharmaceuticals but because so much of my cognitive problems have gotten worst over the years, fast forwarding to 2016 as of today I am on four different psyche pills to keep me sane.  It was three initially but because I really wanted to punch the MS doctor in the eye, and the fact that I can't let it go, we felt it necessary to treat my psyche issues asap instead of letting them go, and they understand how I was treated in that MS appointment was wrong. Thank GOD I had a witness, ya know, and #kochecooper to see about.  It would have been a hot mess had I just gone off on him for not giving me adequate treatment because he wanted to push more pharmaceuticals.  This, coming from a man who clearly did not read my chart and know that I'm a full psyche patient.  smh  I don't know, I stay to myself when I have to however the pain of MS has been being treated by organic means because I refuse to put some MS stuff in my body if they do not have a cure for it because the risks are too great.  And I know they are too great because I have an entire team behind me helping me not put unnecessary meds in my system.  Apparently MR MS NEURO wasn't on board.

Today I drank water and ate a salad.  I ate a lot over the last few days with a full time caregiver but alas I have a few days on my own.  I'm going to try to eat.  but MS does give huge head pain and I was denied massage therapy or acupuncture unless I pay for it on my own by the MS Neuro doctor, so that's where I am at.  The pain is too unbearable and I have no idea if there is anything wrong in there but they want me to take meds not even having a MRI.  Clearly they saw that I was not walking straight and no, I hadn't taken ANY treatment that morning, went in just my un-medicated self.  My pain was at a 5 perhaps because I got a brief massage before the office visit.  So today my head is hurting out of my mind through my eyes, in my temple, in the back of my head, on the top of my head and when my sis called she said "go smoke" so I did and it finally went down a bit.  But then it came back and I tried to sleep it off but I wasn't at home so it was very uncomfortable. I don't want the pain meds, I want the massage and acupuncture.  It's just not fair. They know what I go through.  THere is no NEED to take those meds to slow down the progression if you see that yes ,I have MS, but I am managing everything with the help of being in a zen environment as much as I can and getting the proper support I need and being in agreement with me and my tea on my treatment.  This neuro ms doctor told me it was too expensive to give me a mri.

Anyway,I still have time to make a decision.  I have to research more, but I have readers block and writers block becuase ive been mad at the doctor.  smh.  mad at life because all the Dr is trying to do is help me.  sometimes i'm mad then sometimes i'm joyful so it's all weird.  But I'll save that for another post.  That's another story altogether. Peace, love, and light and please pray i get some organic therapy for my pain.  My entire body is cramping so i'm going to sleep.  Oh, and not to mention over active bladder, also something acupuncture could stop.

Down Two

Well...I'm down to 114lbs.  Yes, that's a lot of weight loss in two months.  HOWEVER, I can eat with "meal prep", so my caregiver is with me full time in order for me to eat.  And I'm eating. I'm cute and all but 114lb is not the move, not when two months ago I was 130lbs.  I have no "desire" to eat but I'm hoping that with no stress and assistance in eating, the weight will pick back up.  I still have tingling in my legs and feet and hands and arms nearly everyday and that has not changed, my fatigue is great, but I'm not having as many MS symptoms as I've had in the past...symptoms that I believe came from being triggered from all of the medications that MS patients take. And I'm so upset because when I went to the MS clinic, they were not willing to talk to me about organic options to treat MS.  It was basically "You can take one of two medications to stop the progression of MS, but MS cannot be cured".  I'm so annoyed at this point.




So now I'm on an eating plan.  My caregiver is here and my case manager brought me some raw foods so i'm going to work on my book and try to force myself to eat.  LOL Funny story, which I may do a story time about ( I don't know ) is that the other night my caregiver gave me some food to eat while I was really sleepy (my fatigue and the meds that I am on make me sleepy a lot anyway) and I was eating it while sleeping.  Too funny. See, I'm still trying to smile through all of this.

What I do realize about MS is that as a neurological disease, and that controls every aspect of your life.  Including your appetite. I never really feel hungry.  Ever. Initially I thought it was an aspect of my depression which is common with depression, but this is more than that.  I can go days without eating and I know that If I'm not monitored, I won't be bothered with eating.  When I went to visit my children last Sunday, my son actually fixed my plate for me and that's what made me eat it.  It was delicious (my grandson's mom is a wonderful cook and I promised her I would eat the meal she was preparing).

For some reason, I feel like even moving around decreases calories, and so because I walk two to three times a day, and not eating well, it's not looking good.  I know that once I'm full, I'm pretty much full for a long time and my bowels are not really consistent and I'm constipated a lot...so I know my system is a bit slower than others.  I've been noticing that.  Like even when I was on the all liquid smoothie raw diet, I still wasn't only defecating out liquid like one would think.  I was still having constipation, probably from weeks ago.  It's so weird.  Oh yeah, sometimes my appetite will kick in and I'll be super hungry, but then it floats away again for weeks on end. It's not healthy.

There are MS patients who go through this who are on medications for MS and also there are MS patients who go through this who are NOT on medications for MS.  There is no cure for MS so taking the MS Medications won't solve this issue, we can only treat our symptoms.  And because anything organic is basically on my own dime.  smh I'm going to look into getting some Zinc, etc, and continue to live in my zen environment.  My psychiatrist is working on getting me a medication that may trigger my appetite, as well.

As always, I'm keeping GOD first in my life and i'm thankful for the food that I do have available and I pray I'll eat it, even if it depends on someone else making sure I'm being fed.  I'm eating to live.

Day 10

My head hurts and I've had a long day. A piece of me left today, but I know that I will have new beginnings. It's hard dealing with disabled patients. I'm doing that already, having survived day 10 with still no xanex, hydrocodone, Temazepam, Mirtazapine, Amitriptyline, BC Powder, or Risperdal. Nice little cocktail, huh? That's not including the other headache meds my insurance won't cover. This, however, is the beginning of the struggle. My supply is nearly gone.

With treatments being costly, I am thankful for the opportunity to do something greater. I've worked hard to get to this point. I want to make sure I can continue getting stronger and better (and wiser).

Last night I got terribly upset from stress and I suffered a night time fright (night terror). I had to end up sleeping with the light on. I know I'm safe, but sometimes night frights can't be helped. As a patient with not only MS but also PTSD and a few other disorders, I'm thankful that my husband/caretaker is standing by me and not giving up on the dream. I find comfort in that. I took some phonix tears and tincture and soon found myself asleep in a safe zone.

My treatments are now at three times a day. Smoothies have been introduced into our diet, and we are loving the fruit we're drinking. Organic is the way to go.

I hope to be cured of MS one day. I hope to live a "normal" life. Spirit has shown me the path in which to go and faith will see us there. Falling asleep now, I dream of those better days and am ever so thankful for this chance at life.

Name your poison and Sneak Peek of Video 2

Risperdal, Zanex, Norco, Temazepam, Mirtazapine, and Amitripyline. Name your poison, those are mine. Throw in a possibility of Gabapentin and Tudorza Pressair (fancy, right???) and we've pretty much darn near got the contents of my bag down to a T.

I take these poisoned prescribed pharmsudicals that are prescribed to me every day in order to feel some level of normal and to treat my symptoms that are caused by having my disabilities, not by preference. I still do not understand how something toxic is supposed to help, but I pray.

While cleaning out my medicine bag, I saw some meds that were expired.  At first thought, I was going to flush them but then I thought about the toxins in the pills going into the tap (tainted and polluted) water and making people and animals sickER.  So then I thought to crush them into powder and set them on fire, but then I thought a out air pollution with toxic gas.  I couldn't bury it because then I'd put toxins in the soil. I was about to go on a whirlwind in my mind but finally my husband looked up how to discard expired prescription meds and it said there is a service that comes by to pick them up    http://www.disposemymeds.org/  .  How do I know that they are not just recycling old pills back to patients and that's why they don't always work.  I don't know.  I'm paranoid about what goes into pills and such as opposed to what is naturally grown or provided by mother nature. Anything that's not natural is un-natural.   That's common sense even to someone like me with cognitive issues. 

As of right now I'm down to 5-7 pill prescriptions in my everyday carry bag, (1 of which I take daily if I have to be around other people) and 4 of which I take most days and nights ( 1 of which is to allow my mind to stop raving long enough to go to sleep).  With the physical part of the disability so eratic, the emotional and mental can take its toll on anyone, especially the MS patient like me.  There's no wonder why I'm seeing a chiropractor with all the medications I have in my bag...that bag is heavy and my spine is  curved all kind of ways.  I have scoliosis and also bone spurs.  Getting these things spine adjustments can help in making my MS better and give me almost 14 more years of life..and those visits will cost me upwards of  $2500 with insurance .  But they work!  https://youtu.be/3QzCKReW0Iw  I'm hoping to be able to get the treatments I need that are not involving pills.  I've got to raise some money so that the little treatments I can do without pharmaceuticals.  That's all I want; to live a life without pharmaceuticals and pain and everything else 

I long for a place where there is safe access to what GOD intended for us, natural herbs and plants galore.  And though I'm not there yet, I also give thanks that I'm able to homeschool my princess
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