Letting Go Of Triggers Begins On The Inside

Just took a blood pressure pill; first one i've ever had in my entire life. PTSD is a horrible thing. I'm glad it's getting treated properly. Today was stressful trying to communicate with family in Atlanta, so I decided to go get the meds from the pharmacy that i've been avoiding because nothing is worth a stroke. I have to be treated apparently for my temperament because I have the inability to "turn down" on a situation and it could end up stroking me out. Anywhoo.... Anyone that knows me knows I hate pills so of course I poured half of it out before i took it. I admit it. Anyway Pills can be the cause all kinda DEATH of organs and of life and definitely quality of life (sometimes), so i'm really cautious. And yes lots of people take meds but I'm one that does not want to take meds; I just wanna live in peace and continue to heal, ya know. I thank GOD for my husband, my children, my grandchild, my dog, my granddog and his new family (hey P & E).

On a more personal note, my 4 year wedding anniversary allowed me to let bygones be bygones when it comes to past relationships and situations. As I said, I have serious issues and I am admitting that PTSD is no joke, and I will surely get to a point where I raise more awareness about it, too, for sure because think about it...soldiers come back with this so you can imagine the type of wars civilians like myself have gone through to get to this point. And yet I rise up every day the lord gives me a notion to and I live; maybe not on the standards most of society but in a way where I see my husband everyday, I have a loving and friendly (when not under fire) relationship with my children who are close and my inner circle and the world via On The Rise Magazine and On The Rise Radio. I have a voice. So with anything in my rear view, I'm wishing them well from the other side and I'm keeping it moving. Never fight and push for anything that compromises your health and your sanity, welcome deliverance, and live and love only in the light. That goes for everyone.

Day 10

My head hurts and I've had a long day. A piece of me left today, but I know that I will have new beginnings. It's hard dealing with disabled patients. I'm doing that already, having survived day 10 with still no xanex, hydrocodone, Temazepam, Mirtazapine, Amitriptyline, BC Powder, or Risperdal. Nice little cocktail, huh? That's not including the other headache meds my insurance won't cover. This, however, is the beginning of the struggle. My supply is nearly gone.

With treatments being costly, I am thankful for the opportunity to do something greater. I've worked hard to get to this point. I want to make sure I can continue getting stronger and better (and wiser).

Last night I got terribly upset from stress and I suffered a night time fright (night terror). I had to end up sleeping with the light on. I know I'm safe, but sometimes night frights can't be helped. As a patient with not only MS but also PTSD and a few other disorders, I'm thankful that my husband/caretaker is standing by me and not giving up on the dream. I find comfort in that. I took some phonix tears and tincture and soon found myself asleep in a safe zone.

My treatments are now at three times a day. Smoothies have been introduced into our diet, and we are loving the fruit we're drinking. Organic is the way to go.

I hope to be cured of MS one day. I hope to live a "normal" life. Spirit has shown me the path in which to go and faith will see us there. Falling asleep now, I dream of those better days and am ever so thankful for this chance at life.

What hurts the soul

I'm on edge. I've taken and witnessed too many losses this month alone all on top of each other...I'm trying to feel safe from unexpected stuff, because Lord knows my shock meter is on high. 

People promise they will always be there, but death cannot be avoided. But then, neither can life once activated. And in life we make choices.

Forgiveness is essential,  and even in my most anxious moments I have grasped wisdom. God's eternal love endures, as always .. To some, I don't even know what to say, having become speechless....to the English language at least.

I'm trying to get through so many things all at once. And my thoughts won't escape me because I'm in too much physical pain to even begin to clear my mind. Or my heart. I want to get this out, what hurts the soul.

"Dear mom,
  I may not  have always liked you but I loved you, and I never would have left you. You may not have not  always liked me, but even though you loved me, you left. One time voluntarily and once when God called you home. I probably won't get over my abandonment issues until we meet again.
Attica"

 

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