Letting Go Of Triggers Begins On The Inside

Just took a blood pressure pill; first one i've ever had in my entire life. PTSD is a horrible thing. I'm glad it's getting treated properly. Today was stressful trying to communicate with family in Atlanta, so I decided to go get the meds from the pharmacy that i've been avoiding because nothing is worth a stroke. I have to be treated apparently for my temperament because I have the inability to "turn down" on a situation and it could end up stroking me out. Anywhoo.... Anyone that knows me knows I hate pills so of course I poured half of it out before i took it. I admit it. Anyway Pills can be the cause all kinda DEATH of organs and of life and definitely quality of life (sometimes), so i'm really cautious. And yes lots of people take meds but I'm one that does not want to take meds; I just wanna live in peace and continue to heal, ya know. I thank GOD for my husband, my children, my grandchild, my dog, my granddog and his new family (hey P & E).

On a more personal note, my 4 year wedding anniversary allowed me to let bygones be bygones when it comes to past relationships and situations. As I said, I have serious issues and I am admitting that PTSD is no joke, and I will surely get to a point where I raise more awareness about it, too, for sure because think about it...soldiers come back with this so you can imagine the type of wars civilians like myself have gone through to get to this point. And yet I rise up every day the lord gives me a notion to and I live; maybe not on the standards most of society but in a way where I see my husband everyday, I have a loving and friendly (when not under fire) relationship with my children who are close and my inner circle and the world via On The Rise Magazine and On The Rise Radio. I have a voice. So with anything in my rear view, I'm wishing them well from the other side and I'm keeping it moving. Never fight and push for anything that compromises your health and your sanity, welcome deliverance, and live and love only in the light. That goes for everyone.

Awareness- I have to talk about it more

I'm speaking more for my needs. These MS suicides are so horrible, and I feel horrible that I "get it". I'm speaking out more so it doesn't get that bad to me. If I ask for help it's because so much has to be done and I can't be a one-woman team anymore. Not with cramping fingers, cramping and stabbing pains throughout my body, a back that feels broken most times, "fog" / "confusion"...and extreme paranoia about the side effects of the meds I still have to take. It's a lot. People say "don't think like that" but that is our reality, mainly so we won't be a burden on anyone. I'm just being honest. So many times we are frantic because we feel alone because people don't know how to take our honesty, they somehow get offended leaving us to feel even more alone. Nobody wants to help us and we can't really understand that, we just feel like crap all the time and worthless.

Social Security did not give a cost of living increase for 2016. I Started working in 1987. Got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 2004. Had to retire in October 31, 2006. Tried to go back to work because my savings and 401k was running out, landed a job with the government april 2007 AND was awarded social security that same month. I had to make decision so I worked til December 2007 and the government began layoffs, not renewing my contract and my decision was made when I once again began to relapse. After or king all my life, this was a HUGE adjustment.

I still try to work when I can because its too hard living off disability and am building a team we can continue being successful despite MS. MS has progressed in me mainly with mental/emotional, energy/fatigue, chronic pain,and cognitive issues. Financially it's been Devastating to my entire family. My prayers to my MS Warriors that fight this fight of survival along side me every day GOD blesses us to be "awake". I smile behind tears because I AM trying and I WANT TO LIVE. Even though the pain and the woes are telling me its not worth and even when my mind and emotions tell me I'm not worth it to anyone, either. Under 10 people actually care, in my mind and perhaps in reality (I truly don't know anymore), and so i'm here, still fighting for...US.

It's so hard to talk to people. I ask one question and it turns into a whole heated conversation and ends up with me being at fault where honestly there wasn't a "fault" involved. Okay...whatever. Then I'm asked a question and I try to follow up like okay, what are we doing..and it turns into yet another issue. How can people live like this of they can't communicate? People can try to blame me but I know it's not me. I take meds because of them. Because people don't know how to be non aggressive with others. I'm gonna have to remember I'm 43 and that I do have good sense. People Catch attitudes when you ignore them because they cant have conversations the right way. Yep that's right, talk to me crazy and you can just talk to yourself. Meds put me in lala land, take my whole day away, but that's okay...I will have another day, God will make sure of it.

I always accept help as it comes, I have no pride issues, I prefer to work for it. If anyone needs online promo or even an article written about them and their brand please share this link because my team and I are raising money and awareness about Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, Kidney Disease, Fibromyalga, Diabetes, HIV/AIDS, Sickle Cell Anemia, Heart Disease, and overall health and we do work for donations https://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness . Help us out heart emoticon

Keeping The Heat Down

I live in a complex world.  I deal with a lot of people who simply refuse to do the things they are supposed to do and it sends me into panic.  Whether it's my children, my spouse, my clients, my family...the world drives me into panic.  Sometimes I hate it here---in this world.

I envision a world where people collectively as a team get the job done.  I envision a world where people around me would be just as or more organic than I am.  I envision a world of peace.  But people get upset with me when I simply ask them to do their part or what they are supposed to do so that I can do what I'm supposed.

Sweet Sixteen

Sweet sixteen. In the mist of insanity of the day, I made peace. Today has been so stressful but I know everything is alright. That's the energy. I'm still toxin free.

I had to explain love and light today. The ministry continues and we continue to preach love and light. It's really simple... I can't have a lot of escalated conversation or I risk relapse. That's how we live. So when the day got hectic and emotional and things were frantic, we were able to help someone by telling them how we live (peaceful) and how we won't live (in chaos or fret). Initially we got push back, but then love shined through.

Still, my headache worstened...but the treatments help and I feel like there is hope for more releaf soon. Due to the escalations earlier, I feel slight tremors in my mouth and more fatigue. I'm ignoring it, though. I know that emotional situations occur and its my gift to get through them peacefully.

Oftentimes in emergency situations or frantic ones, people end up fighting each other instead of listening to each other. People misintrepret what others say to them and oftentimes misunderstandings occur. For whatever reason, people are sensitive and will think someone is attacking them when they are not, causing the situation to esculate. This is chaos.  When people have the kind of personality that folds under pressure, its hard to get through urgent situations peacefully. Those people are dangerous for me during those times, and I try my best not to be around them or I teach them how to be around me.

And yet I rise.

Being the target of anyone's frustration is dangerous for me, but I find that the combination of Phoenix Tears and Tincture from teacher keeps my body at an even relaxed internal enviornment for the most part. That is amazing, and I'm so thankful because I still have not been able to fill my meds. This is the longest time I've gone without it in a while. I'm "aware" and consciousness is amazing. I really can't wait to get more into yoga and meditation because I feel better. I'm not frantic or panicky (as much).

My social anxiety is better. Yes, I'm still anxious to talk to other people but not to a point where I'm extremely sick. I'm scared that I will still have a fluke episode and have a seizure or bad relapse but fear is the enemy and I'm dismissing those ideas. I'm trying to shut down many things that will overwhelm me, and believe me that is hard. But I'm making it one step at a time.

Day 15

Sometimes I go through the worst relationship issues with women, but I thank God for my husband Rafael "Jesus" Cooper who sticks by me no matter what and never abandons me. I've got real abandonment issues because of the relationship I had with my mother. Because she left me, tons of horrific things happened to me. I was no longer safe. I've forgiven her, but im damaged for life and it affects me horribly when a woman (or man) abandons me. Because of her leaving me, i got mollested, raped, acquired a drinking problem at age 14, and left home at 16. Growing up knowing that she was around but just not with me killed me slowly for so long.  I have flashbacks and it is a nightmare. Time heals but it's between now and "time" that's the difficult part. 

The break-up rate for spouses/friends where one has MS is over 90+%. There are several reasons as to why this happens but it is an ugly statistic that goes with this disease. In most cases, the healthy person just can't cope with the disease and thus the split. 

I get that. The statistics scare me and I'm always feeling bad about my special needs because it can be a lot and I'm afraid it will overwhelm people and they will leave me.  Most people cannot handle that my caregiver (Rafael, my husband) has to assist me with my daily living (assisted living). Because we are twin flames, our connection can be intimidating or cause insecurities. But its very necessary because those statistics scare the hell out of me and I've had countless "loved ones" leave me high and dry due to my disease and the extra assistance I require.

I'm thankful for my husband. He takes the mommy nightmares away. I try to minimize my needs so that it's not too much for him. I'm seldom without him, as he is the only safety I have (proven). He protects me, and I protect him. We protect everyone else in our family and tribe. He's giving up everything to ensure that I'm healthy. Anyone that truly loves us loves the fact that we do have this bond. It doesn't prevent us from loving others because we spread love and light, we just love together. Sometimes darkness from others shades our way but we are loyal and faithful to our family and our marriage.

I don't like what MS has done to me or Rafael. I don't like that we are looked at sideways because we are inseparable. Codependency isn't fun like it seems to those on the outside looking in. Even "insiders" dont get it and definitly don't always support it. I know that can be intimidating and make others feel neglected because we require so much solitude with each other, but it has to be like this because its safe and has shown that I have decreased tremors and seizures... And it's worth it.

Having security that I have someone by my side means everything to me. Having someone to look after me and my kids is essential. Just knowing I have Rafael makes me feel safe, and anytime that is comprised I have fears, anxiety, and symptoms begin to appear. I can't apologize for the way I have to live. I just want to be loved and cared for. I'm safe with him.

Safe from the statistics now, I'm focusing on my health, my husband, and my family. I'm pulling myself together and I'm 15 days off meds despite my personal issues with our former girlfriend. I'm glad we have our friendship but I have to keep a little distance to keep my health stable. I'm so disheartened by so called loved ones leaving me because they cant handle my special needs. So many "chuck deuces" at me and disappeared out of my life due to complications with my MS and the way I have to live (and love) in relationships. Everyone says they won't leave but they do. It's a lie they keep convincing me to believe, too. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have accepted it all, but it pisses me off because I didn't ask to be this way but I AM. It's too bad if I dont want to live this way because I'm choiceless. I dont get to just walk away from it. If we love each other we should stand by each other and if its hard then we just have to pray together and work it out but leaving is like death to me and it is scary.

Life is filled with ups and downs and this too (heartache and disappointment) shall pass. Everyone in the healing house is rooting for us to find a cure, and I'm thankful. 15 days free in this crazy world is amazing. I am blessed.

Say no to stress.

Change is inevitable

Change is inevitable. I've been doing my Write 4 MS Awareness and spreading the word about multiple sclerosis but let's face it; not many of the people I've been coming into contact with know about this horrid disease. It makes me really thankful to those who have taken the time out to learn more about what I and the other 2.3 million people worldwide go through. More than 2.3 million people are affected by MS worldwide. Because the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) does not require U.S. physicians to report new cases, and because symptoms can be completely invisible, the prevalence of MS in the U.S. can only be estimated. I have MS, my friend Nicki J has MS, and this one guy at a wedding I attended last year has MS. Oh, and I have an older cousin with MS. And my husband's new Facebook friend has been newly diagnosed with MS. It's not as uncommon as it seems, but because its an "invisible" disease, its not as well known as cancer, heart disease, and diabetes.

 "There are now FDA-approved medications that have been shown to "modify" the course of MS by reducing the number of relapses and delaying progression of disability to some degree. In addition, many therapeutic and technological advances are helping people manage symptoms. Advances in treating and understanding MS are made every year, and progress in research to find a cure is very encouraging" is what the national ms society says, but from what I've experienced, its all just about doping us up with medications that cause worst long term effects than the disease itself. From fitigue, to chronic pain, to insomnia and paralysis and tremors and muscle spasms,etc. Enough is enough. Change is inevitable and I'm looking for it with a magnifying glass and microscope. Please look with me.

The Pressing Seas

Depression is very common in people withmultiple sclerosis (MS). In fact, symptoms of depression severe enough to require medical intervention affect up to half of all people with MS at some point during their illness.

 Honestly I've been suffering from depression all of my life but it did intensify after I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2004 and here to recently in the last year or so.

Why Do People With Multiple Sclerosis Also Have Depression?

Depression may be the result of a difficult situation or stress. It is easy to understand how having MS, with its potential for progressing to permanent disability, can bring on depression.

Depression may be caused by MS. MS may destroy the insulating myelin that surrounds nerves that transmit signals affecting mood.

Depression is also a side effect of some drugs used to treat MS, such as steroids or interferon.

once I began to recognize sentence in my life everything seems to start collapsing right before my eyes. I think it affects my relationships and they suffer because at some point I just don't have the will to even deal with anyone or anything I get so sad I don't even want to go on....thankfully not about life it's just about the situations I'm in I know that they're depressing me I'm not at the harmony I know that man making my health fail and I don't even know if its worth it anymore. the main thing that the presses me lately is things concerning the children and the stressful Situation with my girlfriend's family and ex friends. 

What Are the Symptoms of Depression?

Everyone at one time or another has felt depressed, sad, or blue. Sometimes the feeling of sadness becomes intense, lasting for long periods of time and preventing a person from leading a normal life. This is depression, a mental illness that, if left untreated, can worsen, lasting for years and causing untold suffering, and possibly even resulting in suicide. It is important to recognize the signs of depression, which include:

Sadness

Loss of energy

Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness

Loss of enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable

Difficulty concentrating

Uncontrollable crying

Difficulty making decisions

Irritability

Increased need for sleep

Inability to fall or stay asleep at night (insomnia)

Unexplained aches and pains

Stomachache and digestive problems

Decreased sex drive

Sexual problems

Headache

A change in appetite causing weight loss or gain

Thoughts of death or suicide

Attempting suicide

When to Seek Help for Depression With Multiple Sclerosis

If you have depression along with multiple sclerosis, you should seek help if:

Depression is negatively affecting your life -- causing difficulties with relationships, work issues, or family disputes -- and there isn't a clear solution to these problems.

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts or feelings.

Where Should I Go to Get Help for Depression?

Once you decide to seek medical help, start with your primary doctor. He or she can evaluate you to make sure that medicines or another illness are not causing your symptoms.

Your doctor may prescribe treatment or refer you to a mental health care professional who can perform a thorough assessment so that an effective course of treatment can be recommended.

How Is Depression Treated With Multiple Sclerosis?

If you have multiple sclerosis, the first step in treating depression is recognizing that you are depressed. The second step is seeking help. These two steps may in fact be the hardest part of the entire treatment process. Once you seek help from a qualified health care provider, you will find that there are numerous treatment options to help you get back on track.

Several antidepressant drugs are available, but they must be used only under the supervision of a medical professional. Antidepressant drugs are most effective in treating depression in people with MS when used in conjunction with psychotherapy. Called "therapy" for short, the word psychotherapy actually involves a variety of treatment techniques. During psychotherapy, a person with depression talks to a licensed and trained mental health care professional who helps him or her identify and work through the factors that may be triggering the depression.

Warning Signs of Suicide

If you or someone you know is demonstrating any of the following warning signs, contact a mental health professional right away or go to the emergency room for immediate treatment.

Talking about suicide (killing one's self)

Always talking or thinking about death

Making comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless

Saying things like "It would be better if I weren't here" or "I want out"

Depression (deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating) that gets worse

A sudden switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy

Having a "death wish," tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death, like driving through red lights

Losing interest in things one used to care about

Visiting or calling people one cares about

Putting affairs in order, tying up lose ends, changing a will.

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