Progression

  When I was 31 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I already had anxiety and depression prior to MS, but Within three more years I was also diagnosed with BiPolar Anxiety Disorder, then within three more years PTSD and Panic disorder. My life consists of managing all of these illnesses while remaining a part of society. All of that, parenting, marriage, and career has never been an easy feat. As I get older, I've noticed that therapy and constant medical care keep me afloat, and I'm very thankful of that. But as my illnesses progress, I'm saddened by the fact that any of this is going on in the first place. I'm 45 and I just want to be able to go back in time to 2004 and refuse the hepatitis B vaccination that my primary doctor coerced me into accepting and that I strongly believe had something to do with me getting Multiple Sclerosis and if I'm not mistaken I also had optic neuritis once, too even though the study done regarding this determined the vaccine does not cause these ( https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17597263 ).  Bipolarism can be a direct result of Multiple Sclerosis, and that's been one of my biggest symptoms lately.

  In my mind I am terrified of taking a bath or shower alone. My main fear is that I will die while I'm doing either one because something could happen and nobody would be there to save me. I had an aunt die in the bathroom. So many traumatic experiences increased the intensity of the PTSD,  Coupled with the fact that I really don't even feel like going through all the energy it takes to shower or bathe due to bipolar depression. Thankfully, I don't stink and if I were stinking I think I would do something about it. I hope I would. I feel like a child who won't bathe or groom themselves. But I'm not a child nor am I unable to physically bathe myself or even groom myself. I just can't bring myself to do it most of the time. Mental Illness is real, especially people with Multiple Sclerosis. I hope this touches someone and prompts them to do more research. Meds aren't always the answer, but if needed take them as prescribed and don't be afraid to get therapy.

  It's crazy how the time from 2004 to 2018 has gone from up to down in a span of only fourteen years. Yesterday I felt something was wrong but I didn't understand it until today. If Multiple Sclerosis causes Bipolar disorder, then maybe Bipolar episodes are MS relapses as well. Either way, I'm going to try to keep my projects going on and elevating myself. I'm also going to try to manage my symptoms better so I can break away from the phobias.  GOD is with me.

Awareness- I have to talk about it more

I'm speaking more for my needs. These MS suicides are so horrible, and I feel horrible that I "get it". I'm speaking out more so it doesn't get that bad to me. If I ask for help it's because so much has to be done and I can't be a one-woman team anymore. Not with cramping fingers, cramping and stabbing pains throughout my body, a back that feels broken most times, "fog" / "confusion"...and extreme paranoia about the side effects of the meds I still have to take. It's a lot. People say "don't think like that" but that is our reality, mainly so we won't be a burden on anyone. I'm just being honest. So many times we are frantic because we feel alone because people don't know how to take our honesty, they somehow get offended leaving us to feel even more alone. Nobody wants to help us and we can't really understand that, we just feel like crap all the time and worthless.

Social Security did not give a cost of living increase for 2016. I Started working in 1987. Got diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 2004. Had to retire in October 31, 2006. Tried to go back to work because my savings and 401k was running out, landed a job with the government april 2007 AND was awarded social security that same month. I had to make decision so I worked til December 2007 and the government began layoffs, not renewing my contract and my decision was made when I once again began to relapse. After or king all my life, this was a HUGE adjustment.

I still try to work when I can because its too hard living off disability and am building a team we can continue being successful despite MS. MS has progressed in me mainly with mental/emotional, energy/fatigue, chronic pain,and cognitive issues. Financially it's been Devastating to my entire family. My prayers to my MS Warriors that fight this fight of survival along side me every day GOD blesses us to be "awake". I smile behind tears because I AM trying and I WANT TO LIVE. Even though the pain and the woes are telling me its not worth and even when my mind and emotions tell me I'm not worth it to anyone, either. Under 10 people actually care, in my mind and perhaps in reality (I truly don't know anymore), and so i'm here, still fighting for...US.

It's so hard to talk to people. I ask one question and it turns into a whole heated conversation and ends up with me being at fault where honestly there wasn't a "fault" involved. Okay...whatever. Then I'm asked a question and I try to follow up like okay, what are we doing..and it turns into yet another issue. How can people live like this of they can't communicate? People can try to blame me but I know it's not me. I take meds because of them. Because people don't know how to be non aggressive with others. I'm gonna have to remember I'm 43 and that I do have good sense. People Catch attitudes when you ignore them because they cant have conversations the right way. Yep that's right, talk to me crazy and you can just talk to yourself. Meds put me in lala land, take my whole day away, but that's okay...I will have another day, God will make sure of it.

I always accept help as it comes, I have no pride issues, I prefer to work for it. If anyone needs online promo or even an article written about them and their brand please share this link because my team and I are raising money and awareness about Cancer, Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, Kidney Disease, Fibromyalga, Diabetes, HIV/AIDS, Sickle Cell Anemia, Heart Disease, and overall health and we do work for donations https://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness . Help us out heart emoticon

They MUST know about MS and Me

I'm still shocked when people dont know what MS is or anything about it. It was quite a shocking day when I got diagnosed in 2004 with RRMS...blew my mind. As people learn my story, they learn how important it is to be aware. Aware about MS. 

Aware that There are others out there that have it. 

Aware that my diagnosis doesn't mean I don't matter anymore. 

Aware that I'm strong, but I DO have a diagnosis so when I don't show up, chances are that's why. And so much more :)

Having survived the initial car ride on that day, which was a miracle in itself, I must now thank GOD for being there with me always. I'm so appreciative to have been able to be a good mother to my children. I'm thankful to have had assistance when I've needed it and to be able to serve GOD with clear understanding.

MS takes my strength and energy away more often than not. But, again, I'm thankful to have less worry and wear and tare do myself because I'm finding solutions that are working for us as a family.

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness

TO BLESSED TO BE STRESSED

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY SO FAR.  I'VE HAD THIS RESTLESS REST THING GOING ON.  HUBBY WENT TO WORK AND BEFORE HE LEFT, HE SAID "IT'S SATURDAY, SO YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET SOME REST TODAY'.  INITIALLY, THAT THREW ME FOR A LOOP; BECAUSE I WAS THINKING, "WHEN DON'T I GET A DAY FOR REST".  THEN I REMEMBERED....

My day to day is often quite hectic, even though it's not meant to be.  Stress is the one thing that I do on a day to day, oftentimes not even meaning to.  Thoughts about children, bills, what's for dinner, when do I get another writing gig, who's gonna walk the dogs, etc.  LIFE seems to create these little stresses, but I thank GOD for those who love me running interference so that stress won't overwhelm me too much.

This question was posed to a group of MS patients to complete:  When I get stressed out, it affects my multiple sclerosis by ____.

The answers are what I'd expect, living with MS myself.  

Terri says Irritable, weepy, shaky, weak, numb and upset that no one gets it!

Sally says Dizzy and fatigue!!!

Gail says Giving me a really bad headache and neck pain and blurry vision.

Catherine says Making all my symptoms come out at once: can't talk, tremors, balance, confusion, depression, tears, you name it...

Paula says Causing a trigeminal neuralgia attack (stabbing electric shocks).

CarrieAnne says Cog fog badly, weak, fatigue and muscle spasms right between my shoulder 

blades all the way down backs of my legs. Happens very quickly.

Judy says Making me exhausted and making my pain level go off the charts.

Mark says Overall fatigue and anxiety

Danny says Muscle cramping and vibration threw body

Mary says  I start talking slurred

Storm says  Headaches and MS hugs (intense tightening around your chest, along with pain and a burning sensation.).

Stacy says  Right eye pain back to my ear, brain fog, memory loss 

Darrin says Makes my legs weak and throws my balance off, and adds to the constant pain i already have!!" 

Paula says Makes my esophagus spasm, do swallowing is difficult,.and i also get too much saliva

And there were a host of other answers.  For me, when I get stressed out, it affects my multiple sclerosis by giving me additional pain, headaches, seizures, slurred speech, and everything everyone else said.  Now that my husband works outside of the home, I tend to stay even more to myself because, as you can see, stress is not something to play with. What this means to me is that my circle of friends and family that can come around is quite limited.  I just don't trust people enough to allow ME to be compromised by THEIR issues.  I'm learning to overcome my fear of people because, if it's mainly in my mind, I can overcome it.  Who knows?  If not, I've lived with MS and over the years it has slowly taken a lot of the "extra" out of my life...so that can't be all bad.     

http://www.gofundme.com/write-4msawareness