Progression

  When I was 31 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I already had anxiety and depression prior to MS, but Within three more years I was also diagnosed with BiPolar Anxiety Disorder, then within three more years PTSD and Panic disorder. My life consists of managing all of these illnesses while remaining a part of society. All of that, parenting, marriage, and career has never been an easy feat. As I get older, I've noticed that therapy and constant medical care keep me afloat, and I'm very thankful of that. But as my illnesses progress, I'm saddened by the fact that any of this is going on in the first place. I'm 45 and I just want to be able to go back in time to 2004 and refuse the hepatitis B vaccination that my primary doctor coerced me into accepting and that I strongly believe had something to do with me getting Multiple Sclerosis and if I'm not mistaken I also had optic neuritis once, too even though the study done regarding this determined the vaccine does not cause these ( https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17597263 ).  Bipolarism can be a direct result of Multiple Sclerosis, and that's been one of my biggest symptoms lately.

  In my mind I am terrified of taking a bath or shower alone. My main fear is that I will die while I'm doing either one because something could happen and nobody would be there to save me. I had an aunt die in the bathroom. So many traumatic experiences increased the intensity of the PTSD,  Coupled with the fact that I really don't even feel like going through all the energy it takes to shower or bathe due to bipolar depression. Thankfully, I don't stink and if I were stinking I think I would do something about it. I hope I would. I feel like a child who won't bathe or groom themselves. But I'm not a child nor am I unable to physically bathe myself or even groom myself. I just can't bring myself to do it most of the time. Mental Illness is real, especially people with Multiple Sclerosis. I hope this touches someone and prompts them to do more research. Meds aren't always the answer, but if needed take them as prescribed and don't be afraid to get therapy.

  It's crazy how the time from 2004 to 2018 has gone from up to down in a span of only fourteen years. Yesterday I felt something was wrong but I didn't understand it until today. If Multiple Sclerosis causes Bipolar disorder, then maybe Bipolar episodes are MS relapses as well. Either way, I'm going to try to keep my projects going on and elevating myself. I'm also going to try to manage my symptoms better so I can break away from the phobias.  GOD is with me.

Where I've Been

 I go to a trauma group on Thursdays <rolls eyes> so that's where I am, I have 28 weeks of it.  I'm a therapist that strongly believes in therapy and a lot of stuff has my mental off center so I'm getting the assistance that I need.  This assists with <sigh> panic anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, ptsd, depression, bipolar disorder, paranoia, and disassociation disorder. I have multiple sclerosis and sometimes because things are not in balance, it's gets like that.  And I live in America where PTSD is very common.  So my breakdowns are not just my breakdowns, but also the breakdowns of our environment.  We are the world. Anyway, I'm sorry I have not been vocal with most of you...but I will begin to contribute more to the mag and the radio soon---i'm just not supposed to while in therapy, is all.  I roll my eyes and sigh because GOD knows I love On The Rise and I hate not working.  I hate when things are stagnant because of what we stand for.  And yet between MS, PTSD, and this other crap I'm fighting to put the pieces back together.  Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and it's nothing to be embarrassed to say I had a nervous breakdown and am working hard to get back to a more functioning Boss Lady Attica Lundy Cooper.  I've got a lot on my plate, honestly, and still manic as ever. And on top of that my feet are tingling and so are my hands. My legs tingle and so do my arms. My headache has started coming back. Anyway, I have to get on a plane this weekend twice so keep me in your prayers and my destination is a secret because of my paranoia BUT I am okay and hubby's looking after me and so is my medical team.

Meeting Dr. Sheldon

Today I met with Dr. Sheldon. She's a really nice lady. It was easy to talk to her even with the transcriber there and Mallory in the room and of course Koche Cooper, who went with me. So dr. Sheldon and I just really talked and she asked me what some of my symptoms are and what are some of the things that I go through, and again it was really easy to talk to her. But as I began to talk to her she began to tell me what instances my diagnosis’  came into play and that helped out a lot because I know doctors have told me in the past, but I forget why they told me those things.  I just kind of take it into my personality or into my identity and speaking with Dr. Sheldon I felt safe and I could really be myself and it felt good to be in that position.

It's hard for me to deal with different doctors. There's a none trust issue that really makes it hard for them to treat me the way that they would like to treat me. Above all else I believe that’s practicing medicine and I know that everything is pretty much experimental because people are all different. We're not all the same. Multiple Sclerosis to me is not the same Multiple Sclerosis as theirs but the thing is we have a lot of similarities. There's some things that the doctor told me that I'm just going to take my time to explore and I'll see her next month

I like Mallory a lot because I don't have another female in my life to take on the feminine things that I need the feminine energy that I need. Mallory can provide a little of that female energy. The doctor talked about my abandonment issues. I didn't tell her that. I didn't tell her a lot. I spoke with her honestly and in a pretty safe mood and I was happy. It's beautiful out here in Denver .I had a really rough night last night with communication and frustration but I woke up this morning happy to be alive and thankful and in a positive space, so I didn't go to dr. Sheldon in a frantic state of mind. I mean I was my normal nervous self but I had Koche Cooper with me and it was alright.

Everyone here respects the fact that I want to go a holistic natural organic route for my treatment,  but they are appreciative that I am willing to at least try their practice and to see if it'll work for me. I'm thankful that today I'm only suffering body pain maybe at a 5 or 6 (especially my arms down to the elbows but I'm alright I am very very much all right and I know that I'm worried about my children always, but I know that I'm trying to stay here with them a little bit longer a lot bit longer and to do that I need to have someone to talk to that can help me out of the emotional entrapments that I found myself into.

I am not the same Attica Lundy That I Used to be. I'm not even the same Attica Lundy Cooper that I was in the beginning. But I am the Attica Lundy Cooper that I am today and that's alright. I am going to try my best to get On The Rise Radio and On The Rise Magazine where they need to be because it's a company that's for our future of the world honestly and especially for my children because this from me and of  me  to them and to their kids and their kids. We have 5 beautiful children that we are very very much proud of and we want to do for them and we have a beautiful grandson that we simply adore and we can't wait until we're at a stable place with my health and our finances that we can all be back together again.