Stabbing head pain

All day I have had periodical periods of time when I have this stabbing pain in my head. The pain is in the top and back of my head. It seems to hurt moreso when I'm sitting or standing up. Right now I have just taken a Carbamazepine and am laying down listening to soothing zen music.

Music is very therapeutic. Though I'd rather be watching videos (another one of my therapies), I'm glad to have a rest from pain.

Where I've Been

 I go to a trauma group on Thursdays <rolls eyes> so that's where I am, I have 28 weeks of it.  I'm a therapist that strongly believes in therapy and a lot of stuff has my mental off center so I'm getting the assistance that I need.  This assists with <sigh> panic anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, ptsd, depression, bipolar disorder, paranoia, and disassociation disorder. I have multiple sclerosis and sometimes because things are not in balance, it's gets like that.  And I live in America where PTSD is very common.  So my breakdowns are not just my breakdowns, but also the breakdowns of our environment.  We are the world. Anyway, I'm sorry I have not been vocal with most of you...but I will begin to contribute more to the mag and the radio soon---i'm just not supposed to while in therapy, is all.  I roll my eyes and sigh because GOD knows I love On The Rise and I hate not working.  I hate when things are stagnant because of what we stand for.  And yet between MS, PTSD, and this other crap I'm fighting to put the pieces back together.  Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, and it's nothing to be embarrassed to say I had a nervous breakdown and am working hard to get back to a more functioning Boss Lady Attica Lundy Cooper.  I've got a lot on my plate, honestly, and still manic as ever. And on top of that my feet are tingling and so are my hands. My legs tingle and so do my arms. My headache has started coming back. Anyway, I have to get on a plane this weekend twice so keep me in your prayers and my destination is a secret because of my paranoia BUT I am okay and hubby's looking after me and so is my medical team.

Finding myself

The whole thing about my account was a false alarm, but it showed me just how panicky I am. Not to be able to trust anyone is very hard; to be in the world in a sensitive mental state is scary.  Depression, anxiety, ptsd, trauma from it all, just everything is quite overwhelming, and I want to be "normal" again.

I remember years ago when I checked myself into an anger management program. I had to learn how to deal with my anger issues without resulting to violence.  It was hard not to just knock the heck out of someone if they rubbed me wrong, or to stop imagining doing something harmful to them; so I took the program and to this day it still works for me.  Because I know therapy works, I don't feel so helpless; so I went to a new program for victims of trauma.

I appreciate my medical team for assisting me in getting set up with this new program.  I am a complete advocate for therapy if it's to help someone.  As I stated in the video, it's a commitment but I committed to getting better for myself and for my family.  I was surprised at how many of us (in the group) were struggling financially because where we live it's expensive (but we are here primarily because our health care is very good).  It was scary being around other's as afraid as I was, but the life coach in me was able to come and give some of the women the feeling that they were not alone.  I was quite surprised, but being around a circle of women (it's female only with the exception of my dog #kochecooper ) did not freak me out.  The best part is that I felt safe and hubby was there to meet me when I got out.  That's still my one steady stability as far as my world goes at the moment.  I was afraid that hearing other women's stories would trigger something in me, but we didn't get deep into issues and so it was a really safe zone.  Day 1 of getting better, and of finding myself. 

And I didn't even cry today.

While I'm Away

So pretty much my life is in full panic mode.  I can bare a smile for my children but for the rest of the world, I stay unseen.  PTSD is horrible horrible horrible. I'm going to have to go to a trauma group (20 sessions) and hopefully I can escape this nightmare I'm in.  And now I'm on new meds AGAIN and still can't see the specialist i need to see.  And to think...I was doing so well.

I really trust nobody.  I can't help it.  The world lies to me, corners me, and is never there for me.  I want my kids in therapy but nobody listens to me.  I'm barely writing this because I want everyone to know that PTSD on top of MS pretty much has me in the worst depression ever in life.  As if that could ever happen, right? They're worried about me.  I am too.

Friggin' Nervous Breakdown.

I find moments when I can completely calm down with the help of medication to have a very simple but important conversation, then i'm back off into my world because I can't be in everyone else's world.  I only pull myself together for the important stuff then I crumble again, sometimes during. It's really hard. I'm trying to stay to myself so I won't have triggers. And I often fear someone will put me in a hospital but my doctor told me today that I'm just traumatised and nobody would do that to me for that; it's not my fault. I'm always feeling set-up, though.  Weird to explain.  I'm stuck in this place in this time with my mind and so hopefully these meds and therapy will help me out of this hell.

I love my new room.  I haven't decorated yet but I love it.  The person I wanted to help me decorate ...well, i'll have to do it by myself and i'm fine with white walls for now.  I'm too short to climb up on things and my equilibrium is a bit off so I can't stand of anything anyway.  People don't understand that.

Doc is proud of me for gaming again  I can't stay awake that long to play but I try to get in at least three days a week. I really don't want to do it but it's a part of the therapy.  I really don't want to do anything other than sleep.  And I did 8 pushups which was amazing.  Now i'm hurting but that's normal.

It's a severe weather alert going on which means I get to sleep incredibly.  I pray these new meds are not going to harm me.  I plan on using my dehydrator tomorrow to see what it can do since I have some left over veggies from my smoothies.  I've lost all kind of weight so today I forced myself to eat something other than drinking a smoothie.  I hate eating.  I hope I get out of all of this nonsense, really.  

Meeting Dr. Sheldon

Today I met with Dr. Sheldon. She's a really nice lady. It was easy to talk to her even with the transcriber there and Mallory in the room and of course Koche Cooper, who went with me. So dr. Sheldon and I just really talked and she asked me what some of my symptoms are and what are some of the things that I go through, and again it was really easy to talk to her. But as I began to talk to her she began to tell me what instances my diagnosis’  came into play and that helped out a lot because I know doctors have told me in the past, but I forget why they told me those things.  I just kind of take it into my personality or into my identity and speaking with Dr. Sheldon I felt safe and I could really be myself and it felt good to be in that position.

It's hard for me to deal with different doctors. There's a none trust issue that really makes it hard for them to treat me the way that they would like to treat me. Above all else I believe that’s practicing medicine and I know that everything is pretty much experimental because people are all different. We're not all the same. Multiple Sclerosis to me is not the same Multiple Sclerosis as theirs but the thing is we have a lot of similarities. There's some things that the doctor told me that I'm just going to take my time to explore and I'll see her next month

I like Mallory a lot because I don't have another female in my life to take on the feminine things that I need the feminine energy that I need. Mallory can provide a little of that female energy. The doctor talked about my abandonment issues. I didn't tell her that. I didn't tell her a lot. I spoke with her honestly and in a pretty safe mood and I was happy. It's beautiful out here in Denver .I had a really rough night last night with communication and frustration but I woke up this morning happy to be alive and thankful and in a positive space, so I didn't go to dr. Sheldon in a frantic state of mind. I mean I was my normal nervous self but I had Koche Cooper with me and it was alright.

Everyone here respects the fact that I want to go a holistic natural organic route for my treatment,  but they are appreciative that I am willing to at least try their practice and to see if it'll work for me. I'm thankful that today I'm only suffering body pain maybe at a 5 or 6 (especially my arms down to the elbows but I'm alright I am very very much all right and I know that I'm worried about my children always, but I know that I'm trying to stay here with them a little bit longer a lot bit longer and to do that I need to have someone to talk to that can help me out of the emotional entrapments that I found myself into.

I am not the same Attica Lundy That I Used to be. I'm not even the same Attica Lundy Cooper that I was in the beginning. But I am the Attica Lundy Cooper that I am today and that's alright. I am going to try my best to get On The Rise Radio and On The Rise Magazine where they need to be because it's a company that's for our future of the world honestly and especially for my children because this from me and of  me  to them and to their kids and their kids. We have 5 beautiful children that we are very very much proud of and we want to do for them and we have a beautiful grandson that we simply adore and we can't wait until we're at a stable place with my health and our finances that we can all be back together again.