While I'm Away

So pretty much my life is in full panic mode.  I can bare a smile for my children but for the rest of the world, I stay unseen.  PTSD is horrible horrible horrible. I'm going to have to go to a trauma group (20 sessions) and hopefully I can escape this nightmare I'm in.  And now I'm on new meds AGAIN and still can't see the specialist i need to see.  And to think...I was doing so well.

I really trust nobody.  I can't help it.  The world lies to me, corners me, and is never there for me.  I want my kids in therapy but nobody listens to me.  I'm barely writing this because I want everyone to know that PTSD on top of MS pretty much has me in the worst depression ever in life.  As if that could ever happen, right? They're worried about me.  I am too.

Friggin' Nervous Breakdown.

I find moments when I can completely calm down with the help of medication to have a very simple but important conversation, then i'm back off into my world because I can't be in everyone else's world.  I only pull myself together for the important stuff then I crumble again, sometimes during. It's really hard. I'm trying to stay to myself so I won't have triggers. And I often fear someone will put me in a hospital but my doctor told me today that I'm just traumatised and nobody would do that to me for that; it's not my fault. I'm always feeling set-up, though.  Weird to explain.  I'm stuck in this place in this time with my mind and so hopefully these meds and therapy will help me out of this hell.

I love my new room.  I haven't decorated yet but I love it.  The person I wanted to help me decorate ...well, i'll have to do it by myself and i'm fine with white walls for now.  I'm too short to climb up on things and my equilibrium is a bit off so I can't stand of anything anyway.  People don't understand that.

Doc is proud of me for gaming again  I can't stay awake that long to play but I try to get in at least three days a week. I really don't want to do it but it's a part of the therapy.  I really don't want to do anything other than sleep.  And I did 8 pushups which was amazing.  Now i'm hurting but that's normal.

It's a severe weather alert going on which means I get to sleep incredibly.  I pray these new meds are not going to harm me.  I plan on using my dehydrator tomorrow to see what it can do since I have some left over veggies from my smoothies.  I've lost all kind of weight so today I forced myself to eat something other than drinking a smoothie.  I hate eating.  I hope I get out of all of this nonsense, really.  

Getting over it

Lately my tolerance level is bad. Little things trigger me into feeling sad or hostile or despair,etc. It's one thing to have racing thoughts, and another to have utter annoyances that darn near drive me  nuts. I'm trying to practice "getting over it" but in all honesty I'm getting fed up.

Like, one day I was playing a game. Someone wanted to play my hand so i said "sure". They scored lower for me then higher for someone else and I got sad and hurt I now get sad super quick or mad or scared or nervous.  I also have PTSD.  Anyway, because I could have played my own hand and got a better score, it actually hurt . I felt like I was wronged,  not on purpose but definitely directed in the wrong way. . Like normal and I noticed the scoring system.  It went all bad when my scores weren't what I wanted them to be, we played as a team. I feel "spoiled" because I get ready to throw a temper tantrum....not outloud but inside of my head. I have no patience for my friends. I really want time alone away from everyone because people can't help but to piss me off. Every little thing requires me practice "getting over it". My thing is, lets deal with it. Everyone says MS patients over-react but i think we react as we should and if anything we have to turn down and tell people what's really going on. Oh, and there is Xanax to save the day.....and I hate meds. But That's what people push us towards. "DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDS", they ask. I want to reply "Yes, thank-you. Did you take Your meds?" But sadly most are not on meds, just overly judgmental.

MS has me super sensitive.  And people get mad when I'm sensitive so I'm learning to keep quiet and just let it drive me crazy inside of my head. 

Such is life of a MS-er

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