Back against the wall

Honestly, my back feels all sorts of broken. I'm in pain and I hate it. I can't sit straight because my back hurts. I can't sit crooked either without pain. I really can't get comfortable.

I'm smoking Tangerine Kush. I got it from Lotus Medical and was told it's very strong. See, it's known to relieve pain and allow for relaxation.

I'm in the process of renewing my "red card". It's actually purple, which makes the color a returning favorite of mine. I used to love the color purple which is why in 1983 I discovered Alice Walker's THE COLOR PURPLE.   I was in the 5th grade. That book shocked me, much like this back pain is now. Everything is like this pain because I don't know what it feels like not to have it.

I'm laying on my side now. I tried laying on my back, but it's too sore.  I feel like this is skeletal pain. I don't want to take pain meds for it so that cannabis is helping. I also got bath bombs (I hope they work). I think without cannabis, I'd lose it. I'd surely have to take opiates which I do not want to do again. I'm going from lots of medications to none and I want to keep it that way. Cannabis allows me to relax so that the pain is tolerable at least.

I hope nobody else gets MS.

I feel trapped inside this pain. I'm panicked like my back is against the wall and if I don't improve I will deteriorate. I need to take yoga, at least, but I'm so sore. Regular exercise like sit ups and push-ups are unbearable. I'm stuck.

I'm not the only one. I've got a friend whose back pain is so severe that she is in tears. I wish I could cry about my pain but crying would probably hurt. My body hurts like I've been struck by a moving vehicle. My mind is all over the place. Guess I'll smoke. 

Look Me Up

I used to have the motto "I will sleep when I'm dead" and was a member of the #nosleepcrew. I was approaching Fourty and for the life of me, I couldn't slow down. And then I relapsed, and while in relapse had my identity stolen, a partner desert me, had hardly anyone check on me and my kids, and it was bad. It was crazy and I had no help.

When I came close out of the relapse, my place was a shambles and there was a pest infestation in the building I was in and I just wanted out because management wouldn't move me or resolve the problem. Because I wouldn't pay the rent,  I had to go to eviction court and because I could not speak for myself due to nervous feelings, I got evicted. I didn't have it in me to fight, so  I began to find my way back into the world. I had a lot of Fatigue, but I pushed through. I was on about twenty active meds at the time, and was scaling them down slowly but surely. Pills kill. That was in 2011. My, how time flies.

"My best advice for anyone that doesn't understand MS is to load them up with books, watch "When I Walk" available on Netflix, or have them attend an MS dinner with a good program.... Youtube has some very good videos as well.  If they are unwilling to learn more, ask why"  posted someone in one of the MS support groups I'm in. People truly don't get it yet, and I hope they will soon. I go through so much and yet I'm still here, just fighting for a chance. I'm blogging while laying on my back and before I laid to the side then before that I propped myself on my elbows. I can't sit up very long without hurting and I have to move around and pretty much lay in all kinds of positions to find comfort. It's exhausting..really everything hurts but I'm treating for the pain. I'm learning to grow my own medications and this means I will live longer. I don't want what happened to me before to happen again ever. I'm safe now, but I don't want to be sick any longer. I'm fighting for a cure.

Please take the time out to research Multiple Sclerosis. I say look me up, but what I want you to do is research this disease that I have. I share my story so that it's told, and also to help others. I am writing 4 MS awareness. There's no cure but I'm fighting to live and hopefully by spreading awareness I can help save others from what I've experienced. My advice to anyone with MS is to build their support team so that they can take care of their family and take care of their health. I'm fighting so hard and I'm tired...and I choose to sleep now because Fatigue is kicking my but, but I'm not dead.

Being in the plains near the mountains, I'm  in fresh air and sun. The sun is hot for me since Colorado sits high and is closer to the sun. I can't perform in the heat but when it cools down I go outdoors. I do yard work and climb stairs and walk dogs everyday, so I'm getting plenty of exercise (and soreness). By nightfall I'm tired already and with my treatment I'm able to fall asleep with no problem. Day 15 with no Temazepam... And for an insomniac like me its amazing.

Our teacher had me watch Super Soul Sundays and it really hit me back on my path. Rafael is ensuring that I get better and this is the first time I've been supportive of a MS treatment...most times non of the pills actually work and do more harm than good.

In July 2015 I'm still dealing with identify theft issues, but I'm also pill free. Now I have to find the treatments for some of the other symptoms. I'm trying to document more so that we have records. So much of my life has disappeared from my memory so I want to capture the rest of it by writing so a cure can be found. If I can help other MS patients live a drug Free existence, I will.

Cannabis is not a drug. It's a plant. And GOD gave it to us. It's our right and our hope for today.

 

Day 13

Today we put in hours in building the Aviary for the birds. This is the first time Rafael and I have ever put up one of these, let alone built one from scratch, but we have a great teacher.

This is day 13.
What's going on is:
I had crying outbursts PRIVATELY ( i'm super sensitive).
My body aches everywhere.
I have a headache that keeps hurting.
I'm fatigued.
I'm experiencing bladder and bowel issues.
My arms hurt (oh yeah, that's a part of my body)
Slight random slurring of speech

What's not going on is:
I'm not "startled"
No spasicity
No tremors
No seizures
No paranoia
No potty accidents

Day 13 has been a long day. Aside of building the Aviary, the emotional issues I'm having are a distraction to say the least. I'm thankful that I'm getting so much support, though. Still no word from Dr. Stappenbeck's office. I can't imagine why since I've reported I'm out of my meds ( just in case I relapse). On the up side, Keisha and Angel have been on the forefront of my Write 4 MS Awareness project and our teacher is molding us in ways we never imagined. I'm missing my daughter and all my children.

I hope to start doing videos and interviews on M S soon. There are so many aspects of MS that I want to share with the world. I'm hoping to make this invisible disease visable.

Another day blessed to be here.

Video blog June 16, 2015

You'd never believe just how fast MS symptoms come about. They sneak up on you and POW...they attack.

Today is Tuesday. Yesterday was my 2nd born's 18th birthday. My golden boy..he was a premie and I never let him forget about it. He is also the biggest one in our tribe's children. So far.
  I've got a lot of stress going on at the moment. Looks like we are for sure making moves for a better life, and I'm thankful for that. I'm at a level 8 in pain at the moment but I'm happy to be home with my family. GOD will see me through this torment.
  The pain is actually excruciating. I hate taking Norco, but I went ahead and took one. Well..half of one because it makes me nauseated.
  One cool thing going on is that I'm seeing a chiropractor. It's important that I begin to take control over what I can change. I don't know about a cure for MS, but I do know that my back pain is horrible and I'd like a non surgical remedy. I'm hoping to barter her services with those of Attica Lundy presents On The RISE Magazine and Radio. If she can correct my spinal damage, I'd give her the world, or at least tell the world about her. Dr. Conde...she's A1.
  Well, I'm laying down praying this pain goes away. Please don't forget to donate if you will (click on the donate tab)

https://youtu.be/i6Bteilg3CI