Say No More, a MS tale of suicide

The coroner ruled it a overdose; "all her oxys were gone and a bunch of her morphines. They're going to try to find her son tonight. They have to seal her room." It had been a stressful life for her and she never felt like she was worth anything to anyone. She was angry and volatile, sad and lonely, and all negative energy was being pushed aside like she was. Her depression was spinning downward and she was feeling destructive towards herself and MS did a number on her and suicide was the end result. I wonder how many other times she'd comtiplated ending it all. She said she had an ex wife that she hated and a son who didn't care about her and that nobody felt she was worth anything. Those are things she said often.

"Just wanted to say goodbye to everyone I love and I don't have the time to call you all but you know who you are I'm sorry but I just can't do this shit no more love you" is what she posted on Facebook four days ago, and she was alive yesterday. Barely. No more. Finding her lifeless body was surreal. I tried my best to remain calm...stress is not good, nor did it make sense. She was gone. I will never forget her, though. When they took her away, there was question on how to notify anyone... Her son didn't even know because nobody knows her family. We only know she had a son and a father.  The lonely and painful life of a MS patient without anyone is tragic. All those pills prescribed to the average MS patient are a suicide waiting to happen because with that many pills for a patient, its not safe. Half the time a MS patient feels better off dead due to alllllll the complications. I wish she could have been stronger until help got here.  "V" indicated that her passing shows us that MS patients in the healing house will need to check in with someone at least twice a day just to make sure and must have emergency contact just in case . "V" says a lot of stuff and I've yet to see her in action face to face, but honestly not many people check on MS patients, so I doubt that'll happen.

"Most studies have documented a higher suicide rate in MSers compared to the general population, and suicide was associated with several risk factors: Depression severity, social isolation, younger age, progressive disease subtype, lower income, earlier disease course, higher levels of physical disability, and not driving.

CONCLUSIONS: Clinicians should be aware of the fact that suicidality may occur with higher frequency in MSers, the available data suggest that the risk of self-harm is higher than expected in MS patients."

I hope she's free. Its so hard to be in the world alone, and this So much has happened since I got here, and I know I'm here for all the MSers, so I need funding. We need funding so that we can have the resources to save lives. I don't want to know  that another MS patient committed suicide. Awareness saves lives.

http://consultqd.clevelandclinic.org/2015/04/suicidal-thoughts-not-uncommon-in-ms-epilepsy-patients/

"Patients with epilepsy and multiple sclerosis (MS) show high rates of depression and an increased risk for suicide. They also are more likely to think about death and self-harm than are individuals with other chronic illnesses, such as arthritis or cancer, according to a study of suicidal ideation conducted by Cleveland Clinic.

" An individual’s coping capacity is influenced by constitutional variables and resources.  The subjective thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of demoralized individuals are that they have failed to meet expectations; their own and/or other’s expectations.  They feel overmastered.  There is a feeling of being unable to cope with some pressing problem.  There are simultaneous feelings of being powerless to change a situation or to extricate themselves from a predicament.  There is a sense of isolation; a feeling of being unique and, therefore, not understood.  A common subjective experience may be characterized as follows: “I feel awful.  No one else understands it.  I’m not going to burden anybody else with how I feel.  Therefore, I’m the only one who feels like this.”  We all have coping strategies that we use to deal with what life throws our way.  And, we all have a point beyond which we no longer can cope on our own and become demoralized. " That's depressing.

http://myelitis.org/newsletters/v8n1/newsletter8-1-02.htm#.VbaRxiPnbqC

Major depressive disorder (MDD) affects 20 to 50 percent of patients with epilepsy, MS, Parkinson disease or dementia. Depression adds to their disease burden, and suicide contributes substantially to excess mortality in this population."

With statistics like that, I'm glad I am using alternative methods for my medical needs. Despair is not an option. I'm 23 days off pills and I'm still fighting for a cure. Maybe even more so now.

May she rest in peace.

Eat Me

17 days and no meds. Im stoked! And now i'm going for more! New diet!!!!

In August i'm going to go to mostly raw fruits and vegetables. Last time I did that, I had cravings for junk food really bad when I stopped. I think training my body on not eating wrecklessly can improve my health, too. More raw, less mess. No gluton. No saturated fats. No dairy. No salt. No transfat. No sugar. These are definite no-no's when it comes to eating healthy with Multiple Sclerosis.

I know im "sick" but not too sick to try something new. I know as a woman with MS I am at higher risk of heart attack, stroke, heart failure, and atrial fibrillation (or flutter) than those without MS. I've had heart fluttering for some years now but never knew it was MS Related. Also saturated fats come primarily from animal-based food, which I never knew. Fatty red meat is now off the menu. I pray for good. No more foods with palm and coconut oils, either. Saturated fats are known to raise your LDL, or bad, cholesterol. High cholesterol can lead to heart disease.

I'm adding Avacado to my #1 food to keep. On The Rise Magazine's Xtra Angel just did a piece about it explains all of its nutritional benefits here http://ontherisemagazine.com/why-you-should-add-an-avocado-to-your-diet/ .

I've been getting away from dairy. Some specific proteins in cow’s milk could be detrimental to people with MS. There are better ways to get nutrients.
Too much sugar leads to excessive weight gain. Excess weight also increases fatigue, which common among people with MS.

Off the list are  commercially baked cookies, crackers, pies, and any other packaged products whose ingredients list includes trans fats. Keywords to look for on nutrition labels are partially hydrogenated oils or shortening. We know that trans fats increase inflammation inside blood vessels and thus could lead to cardiovascular problems.

The more salt in MS patients have in their diet, the more likely they are to relapse and have a greater risk of developing new lesions.  Excess salt can increase your blood pressure, another path to heart disease.

White rice, white bread, and white pasta are in the off list, too. These processed carbohydrates, which elevate blood sugar, also appear to hurt the heart, especially in women.  “When you’re trying to deal with MS, you don’t want to have to deal with other diseases like heart disease and diabetes as well,” Jamieson-Petonic says."

Gluten intolerance in MS patients are prevalent. Gluten is a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye. Only the 1 to 2 percent of the population that has celiac disease, an intolerance to gluten, must go gluten-free. Many people without actual celiac disease, however, find they feel better overall when they eliminate gluten from their diet, so I'm removing it from mine.

Sacrifice is key, and I'm willing to stop the madness if it gives me more life. Day 17...goals.

Sweet Sixteen

Sweet sixteen. In the mist of insanity of the day, I made peace. Today has been so stressful but I know everything is alright. That's the energy. I'm still toxin free.

I had to explain love and light today. The ministry continues and we continue to preach love and light. It's really simple... I can't have a lot of escalated conversation or I risk relapse. That's how we live. So when the day got hectic and emotional and things were frantic, we were able to help someone by telling them how we live (peaceful) and how we won't live (in chaos or fret). Initially we got push back, but then love shined through.

Still, my headache worstened...but the treatments help and I feel like there is hope for more releaf soon. Due to the escalations earlier, I feel slight tremors in my mouth and more fatigue. I'm ignoring it, though. I know that emotional situations occur and its my gift to get through them peacefully.

Oftentimes in emergency situations or frantic ones, people end up fighting each other instead of listening to each other. People misintrepret what others say to them and oftentimes misunderstandings occur. For whatever reason, people are sensitive and will think someone is attacking them when they are not, causing the situation to esculate. This is chaos.  When people have the kind of personality that folds under pressure, its hard to get through urgent situations peacefully. Those people are dangerous for me during those times, and I try my best not to be around them or I teach them how to be around me.

And yet I rise.

Being the target of anyone's frustration is dangerous for me, but I find that the combination of Phoenix Tears and Tincture from teacher keeps my body at an even relaxed internal enviornment for the most part. That is amazing, and I'm so thankful because I still have not been able to fill my meds. This is the longest time I've gone without it in a while. I'm "aware" and consciousness is amazing. I really can't wait to get more into yoga and meditation because I feel better. I'm not frantic or panicky (as much).

My social anxiety is better. Yes, I'm still anxious to talk to other people but not to a point where I'm extremely sick. I'm scared that I will still have a fluke episode and have a seizure or bad relapse but fear is the enemy and I'm dismissing those ideas. I'm trying to shut down many things that will overwhelm me, and believe me that is hard. But I'm making it one step at a time.

Look Me Up

I used to have the motto "I will sleep when I'm dead" and was a member of the #nosleepcrew. I was approaching Fourty and for the life of me, I couldn't slow down. And then I relapsed, and while in relapse had my identity stolen, a partner desert me, had hardly anyone check on me and my kids, and it was bad. It was crazy and I had no help.

When I came close out of the relapse, my place was a shambles and there was a pest infestation in the building I was in and I just wanted out because management wouldn't move me or resolve the problem. Because I wouldn't pay the rent,  I had to go to eviction court and because I could not speak for myself due to nervous feelings, I got evicted. I didn't have it in me to fight, so  I began to find my way back into the world. I had a lot of Fatigue, but I pushed through. I was on about twenty active meds at the time, and was scaling them down slowly but surely. Pills kill. That was in 2011. My, how time flies.

"My best advice for anyone that doesn't understand MS is to load them up with books, watch "When I Walk" available on Netflix, or have them attend an MS dinner with a good program.... Youtube has some very good videos as well.  If they are unwilling to learn more, ask why"  posted someone in one of the MS support groups I'm in. People truly don't get it yet, and I hope they will soon. I go through so much and yet I'm still here, just fighting for a chance. I'm blogging while laying on my back and before I laid to the side then before that I propped myself on my elbows. I can't sit up very long without hurting and I have to move around and pretty much lay in all kinds of positions to find comfort. It's exhausting..really everything hurts but I'm treating for the pain. I'm learning to grow my own medications and this means I will live longer. I don't want what happened to me before to happen again ever. I'm safe now, but I don't want to be sick any longer. I'm fighting for a cure.

Please take the time out to research Multiple Sclerosis. I say look me up, but what I want you to do is research this disease that I have. I share my story so that it's told, and also to help others. I am writing 4 MS awareness. There's no cure but I'm fighting to live and hopefully by spreading awareness I can help save others from what I've experienced. My advice to anyone with MS is to build their support team so that they can take care of their family and take care of their health. I'm fighting so hard and I'm tired...and I choose to sleep now because Fatigue is kicking my but, but I'm not dead.

Being in the plains near the mountains, I'm  in fresh air and sun. The sun is hot for me since Colorado sits high and is closer to the sun. I can't perform in the heat but when it cools down I go outdoors. I do yard work and climb stairs and walk dogs everyday, so I'm getting plenty of exercise (and soreness). By nightfall I'm tired already and with my treatment I'm able to fall asleep with no problem. Day 15 with no Temazepam... And for an insomniac like me its amazing.

Our teacher had me watch Super Soul Sundays and it really hit me back on my path. Rafael is ensuring that I get better and this is the first time I've been supportive of a MS treatment...most times non of the pills actually work and do more harm than good.

In July 2015 I'm still dealing with identify theft issues, but I'm also pill free. Now I have to find the treatments for some of the other symptoms. I'm trying to document more so that we have records. So much of my life has disappeared from my memory so I want to capture the rest of it by writing so a cure can be found. If I can help other MS patients live a drug Free existence, I will.

Cannabis is not a drug. It's a plant. And GOD gave it to us. It's our right and our hope for today.

 

Day 15

Sometimes I go through the worst relationship issues with women, but I thank God for my husband Rafael "Jesus" Cooper who sticks by me no matter what and never abandons me. I've got real abandonment issues because of the relationship I had with my mother. Because she left me, tons of horrific things happened to me. I was no longer safe. I've forgiven her, but im damaged for life and it affects me horribly when a woman (or man) abandons me. Because of her leaving me, i got mollested, raped, acquired a drinking problem at age 14, and left home at 16. Growing up knowing that she was around but just not with me killed me slowly for so long.  I have flashbacks and it is a nightmare. Time heals but it's between now and "time" that's the difficult part. 

The break-up rate for spouses/friends where one has MS is over 90+%. There are several reasons as to why this happens but it is an ugly statistic that goes with this disease. In most cases, the healthy person just can't cope with the disease and thus the split. 

I get that. The statistics scare me and I'm always feeling bad about my special needs because it can be a lot and I'm afraid it will overwhelm people and they will leave me.  Most people cannot handle that my caregiver (Rafael, my husband) has to assist me with my daily living (assisted living). Because we are twin flames, our connection can be intimidating or cause insecurities. But its very necessary because those statistics scare the hell out of me and I've had countless "loved ones" leave me high and dry due to my disease and the extra assistance I require.

I'm thankful for my husband. He takes the mommy nightmares away. I try to minimize my needs so that it's not too much for him. I'm seldom without him, as he is the only safety I have (proven). He protects me, and I protect him. We protect everyone else in our family and tribe. He's giving up everything to ensure that I'm healthy. Anyone that truly loves us loves the fact that we do have this bond. It doesn't prevent us from loving others because we spread love and light, we just love together. Sometimes darkness from others shades our way but we are loyal and faithful to our family and our marriage.

I don't like what MS has done to me or Rafael. I don't like that we are looked at sideways because we are inseparable. Codependency isn't fun like it seems to those on the outside looking in. Even "insiders" dont get it and definitly don't always support it. I know that can be intimidating and make others feel neglected because we require so much solitude with each other, but it has to be like this because its safe and has shown that I have decreased tremors and seizures... And it's worth it.

Having security that I have someone by my side means everything to me. Having someone to look after me and my kids is essential. Just knowing I have Rafael makes me feel safe, and anytime that is comprised I have fears, anxiety, and symptoms begin to appear. I can't apologize for the way I have to live. I just want to be loved and cared for. I'm safe with him.

Safe from the statistics now, I'm focusing on my health, my husband, and my family. I'm pulling myself together and I'm 15 days off meds despite my personal issues with our former girlfriend. I'm glad we have our friendship but I have to keep a little distance to keep my health stable. I'm so disheartened by so called loved ones leaving me because they cant handle my special needs. So many "chuck deuces" at me and disappeared out of my life due to complications with my MS and the way I have to live (and love) in relationships. Everyone says they won't leave but they do. It's a lie they keep convincing me to believe, too. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have accepted it all, but it pisses me off because I didn't ask to be this way but I AM. It's too bad if I dont want to live this way because I'm choiceless. I dont get to just walk away from it. If we love each other we should stand by each other and if its hard then we just have to pray together and work it out but leaving is like death to me and it is scary.

Life is filled with ups and downs and this too (heartache and disappointment) shall pass. Everyone in the healing house is rooting for us to find a cure, and I'm thankful. 15 days free in this crazy world is amazing. I am blessed.

Say no to stress.

Day 14

I walked in mountains. It was my first mountain in Colorado, in the same week that my life took a hit personally. It was like being pushed from a mountain, honestly, and I fight very hard everyday to maintain my composure. But I cry myself to sleep and pray a seizure doesn't decide to pop up on me. Relationships are scary for a patient who has Multiple Sclerosis. Relationships are scary for me.

This is the 14th day I've been without meds. I found out today that my doctor mailed me my prescriptions, and now I can  call my insurance company and get on the ball for a vacation override so that I can fill my prescriptions here. It's not safe to be completely out of meditation regardless of how organic you are going and to be a person with a chronic illness in another state without emergency meds is not a good thing.

I'm super sensitive now. Could be 14 days off of meds gives withdrawal symptoms? I know Xanex is a real buttkicker and so that buffer is gone. All buffers from meds are gone. How does that affect the central nervous system? Does that make me super sensitive or is that my nature? I'm putting an analysis on it all.

I'm thankful even so...14 days is an accomplishment. Reminds me of once upon a time before MS. Those were the days!

Me vs the sun

It's 9:22am. It's too hot to go out. I'm disappointed. I knew I would be. The sun makes it impossible to get anything done until its cooler. Heat or high humidity can make many people with multiple sclerosis (MS) experience a temporary worsening of their symptoms. Doctors believe that this occurs because heat causes nerves (whose myelin covering has been destroyed from MS) to conduct electrical signals even less efficiently. Most people with MS avoid hot baths, hot showers, and heated swimming pools.

Some of the things I do require assistance. Most things, actually. Motivation is needed. This is depressing because in my heart I want to do so much. I suppose it's fair that I have to wait on others since so often they have to wait for me, but this is truly handicapping. The Aviary is really too heavy for me to complete alone, so when its too hot we can't do anything.

Last year I never got things done. Housework was impossible because nobody wanted to help me and I have issues lifting,pulling, bending,pushing,etc. This year I have to do better about making better choices for myself, and to get the help I need. It worries me when I can't get help. Oftentimes money is the obstacle. Or willingness.

Fighting depression is a task for anyone. I'd feel so much better if my daughter was near me. Today will be a better day...just gotta be patient.