Identity issues

I'm so hurt right now. He checked the mail and a letter from someone had come informing me that my new direct deposit would be going through. I dont know how this could be true because in reality never was able to complete the request.. I'd meant to but got the wrong info so I was going tomorrow.  Today is Sunday, I'm going Monday so how can this request be in?

So I freaked out. They are closed today, so is my doctor,  so is my manager.  How did this happen?

People that I trust have my personal information but I handle my own business so I'm afraid someone has used my identity again.

It goes deeper than that. On a spiritual level I feel cursed and alone. Seems like I've had it bad since day one. I really have to question my existence because life cannot be this horrific.  I'm terrified and it's as if I have to depend on the enemy in order to get by. I don't feel safe. I don't know who to trust. I don't know why any of this os happening to me.

My skin itches, and my legs hurt and I am huddled up in my room...'Done cried my eyes out'. I'm sick.  But I won't harm myself...what, and rid myself of all this awesome torture and determination? No, apparently someone or something will surely kill me, because I just keep going and going and going on this hellish existence out if respect for my creator, the universe, and because my life is not my own to take. I'm stuck.

I thank God I have a bed to sleep in, shelter, the kitchen stuff tho meek just perfect because I have lost my desire and will to eat solid foods, but I just very healthy twice a day at least so I'm getting pure organic nutrients.

I can't stop the images now. Every bad thing and recent conversations and ...just all sorts of thoughts race through my mind right now. I do not want to talk to anyone. I want to sleep or game. I hate that I've seen movies like the terminator and like anything that brings me into more hell and violence. 

This is the life of me, raw freak out moment. I'm going to take a nap. I refuse to take a xanax.  I had some cannabis so I'm beginning to relax a bit.

Cliff Jumpers

When life gets bad, some MS patients want to end it all. When life gets bad for me, I cling to my faith. There are a lot of things that can bring you down, but hanging on is always the best way to go. Life is too precious to give up over circumstance. I'm learning that time in some way heals all wounds, one way or the other.

D the MS patient's memory is still with me. The isolation, the frustration, the pain. On the other side if that was the laughter, TV shows, her sense if humor, and talks of her son. I remember making smoothies with her, and comparing our MS experiences. The worst memory is finding her lifeless body. To see the ultimate "give up" was hard. I'm still quite upset about it considering all I've gone through.

Had my children been with me, I'm sure I'd made different choices, but they aren't so I went a different route. One that hasn't been the best experience. Im out of one situation but here I am in a place unfamiliar and not as secure as I'd hoped.  Being in a relapse and being sensitive to so my environment is challenging, to say the least. I'm glad I'm not giving up but Lord knows this is hard. Moving from where we were to where we are is progress but still uncertain and the uncertainty is probably one of the things that worries me the most, which causes panic.

I'm pushing through.