Day 15

Sometimes I go through the worst relationship issues with women, but I thank God for my husband Rafael "Jesus" Cooper who sticks by me no matter what and never abandons me. I've got real abandonment issues because of the relationship I had with my mother. Because she left me, tons of horrific things happened to me. I was no longer safe. I've forgiven her, but im damaged for life and it affects me horribly when a woman (or man) abandons me. Because of her leaving me, i got mollested, raped, acquired a drinking problem at age 14, and left home at 16. Growing up knowing that she was around but just not with me killed me slowly for so long.  I have flashbacks and it is a nightmare. Time heals but it's between now and "time" that's the difficult part. 

The break-up rate for spouses/friends where one has MS is over 90+%. There are several reasons as to why this happens but it is an ugly statistic that goes with this disease. In most cases, the healthy person just can't cope with the disease and thus the split. 

I get that. The statistics scare me and I'm always feeling bad about my special needs because it can be a lot and I'm afraid it will overwhelm people and they will leave me.  Most people cannot handle that my caregiver (Rafael, my husband) has to assist me with my daily living (assisted living). Because we are twin flames, our connection can be intimidating or cause insecurities. But its very necessary because those statistics scare the hell out of me and I've had countless "loved ones" leave me high and dry due to my disease and the extra assistance I require.

I'm thankful for my husband. He takes the mommy nightmares away. I try to minimize my needs so that it's not too much for him. I'm seldom without him, as he is the only safety I have (proven). He protects me, and I protect him. We protect everyone else in our family and tribe. He's giving up everything to ensure that I'm healthy. Anyone that truly loves us loves the fact that we do have this bond. It doesn't prevent us from loving others because we spread love and light, we just love together. Sometimes darkness from others shades our way but we are loyal and faithful to our family and our marriage.

I don't like what MS has done to me or Rafael. I don't like that we are looked at sideways because we are inseparable. Codependency isn't fun like it seems to those on the outside looking in. Even "insiders" dont get it and definitly don't always support it. I know that can be intimidating and make others feel neglected because we require so much solitude with each other, but it has to be like this because its safe and has shown that I have decreased tremors and seizures... And it's worth it.

Having security that I have someone by my side means everything to me. Having someone to look after me and my kids is essential. Just knowing I have Rafael makes me feel safe, and anytime that is comprised I have fears, anxiety, and symptoms begin to appear. I can't apologize for the way I have to live. I just want to be loved and cared for. I'm safe with him.

Safe from the statistics now, I'm focusing on my health, my husband, and my family. I'm pulling myself together and I'm 15 days off meds despite my personal issues with our former girlfriend. I'm glad we have our friendship but I have to keep a little distance to keep my health stable. I'm so disheartened by so called loved ones leaving me because they cant handle my special needs. So many "chuck deuces" at me and disappeared out of my life due to complications with my MS and the way I have to live (and love) in relationships. Everyone says they won't leave but they do. It's a lie they keep convincing me to believe, too. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have accepted it all, but it pisses me off because I didn't ask to be this way but I AM. It's too bad if I dont want to live this way because I'm choiceless. I dont get to just walk away from it. If we love each other we should stand by each other and if its hard then we just have to pray together and work it out but leaving is like death to me and it is scary.

Life is filled with ups and downs and this too (heartache and disappointment) shall pass. Everyone in the healing house is rooting for us to find a cure, and I'm thankful. 15 days free in this crazy world is amazing. I am blessed.

Say no to stress.