What hurts the soul

I'm on edge. I've taken and witnessed too many losses this month alone all on top of each other...I'm trying to feel safe from unexpected stuff, because Lord knows my shock meter is on high. 

People promise they will always be there, but death cannot be avoided. But then, neither can life once activated. And in life we make choices.

Forgiveness is essential,  and even in my most anxious moments I have grasped wisdom. God's eternal love endures, as always .. To some, I don't even know what to say, having become speechless....to the English language at least.

I'm trying to get through so many things all at once. And my thoughts won't escape me because I'm in too much physical pain to even begin to clear my mind. Or my heart. I want to get this out, what hurts the soul.

"Dear mom,
  I may not  have always liked you but I loved you, and I never would have left you. You may not have not  always liked me, but even though you loved me, you left. One time voluntarily and once when God called you home. I probably won't get over my abandonment issues until we meet again.
Attica"

 

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Getting over it

Lately my tolerance level is bad. Little things trigger me into feeling sad or hostile or despair,etc. It's one thing to have racing thoughts, and another to have utter annoyances that darn near drive me  nuts. I'm trying to practice "getting over it" but in all honesty I'm getting fed up.

Like, one day I was playing a game. Someone wanted to play my hand so i said "sure". They scored lower for me then higher for someone else and I got sad and hurt I now get sad super quick or mad or scared or nervous.  I also have PTSD.  Anyway, because I could have played my own hand and got a better score, it actually hurt . I felt like I was wronged,  not on purpose but definitely directed in the wrong way. . Like normal and I noticed the scoring system.  It went all bad when my scores weren't what I wanted them to be, we played as a team. I feel "spoiled" because I get ready to throw a temper tantrum....not outloud but inside of my head. I have no patience for my friends. I really want time alone away from everyone because people can't help but to piss me off. Every little thing requires me practice "getting over it". My thing is, lets deal with it. Everyone says MS patients over-react but i think we react as we should and if anything we have to turn down and tell people what's really going on. Oh, and there is Xanax to save the day.....and I hate meds. But That's what people push us towards. "DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDS", they ask. I want to reply "Yes, thank-you. Did you take Your meds?" But sadly most are not on meds, just overly judgmental.

MS has me super sensitive.  And people get mad when I'm sensitive so I'm learning to keep quiet and just let it drive me crazy inside of my head. 

Such is life of a MS-er

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Pain On Fleek 2

I'm having a rough time at 2:44am. I'm completely in pain. My fingers and palms hurt the most, then my arms up past my wrists. Then my neck. And my back. My feet hurt. My butt  cheeks are sore. My thighs burn a bit. My nose is sore. So is my elbow and hip. This is "normal". 

I'm so pissed because I had to take a pill to sleep and for pain. Tezapham.   My pain is on  fleek"  x 2! http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fleek


I've not been on pills for some weeks because I'm trying to detox my body...lbut tonight I have no choice. I'm hurting beyond simply ignoring it. I think my stress has caught up to me so now I lay in bed suffering thinking of dying perhaps. 

 That's why I took the pill, so I won't want to die. Honestly I want to live,Lol....it's just the pain is severe. My mind is racing.

There was this Danish study of suicide among the MS community. 
" Results: In all, 115 persons (63 men, 52 women) had taken their own lives, whereas the expected number of suicides was 54.2 (29.1 men, 25.1 women). Thus the suicide risk among persons with multiple sclerosis was more than twice that of the general population (SMR = 2.12). The increased risk was particularly high during the first year after diagnosis (SMR = 3.15)."

 I can see that. Though I of all people will Never commit suicide (my favorite cousin broke my heart when he did), it seems a reasonable escape... to be void of this pain. 

This pain sucks. People are too sore themselves to give me the quality of life I need with massage and money is too scarce to give me the proper diet I need completely.  I'm not going to do myself in but something has to change soon. 

  Insurance won't cover massage therapy, only pills/narcotics. I am doing a fundraiser but I know that takes time because Ms is one of those invisible diseases.  I'm going to have to spread more awareness,  door to door if I have to. We need assistance but nobody wants to help. 

Prayer for me getting a cure for this MS monster. It's literally killing me.

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Works cited
http://m.jnnp.bmj.com/content/76/10/1457.full

My BURDEN Blessing

June 2015 will make eleven years since I was diagnosed with MS. An entire decade has gone by, and I'm still living with MS.

I'd have to say the hardest parts of having MS has been the limitations of financial growth opportunities, the never-ending pain, and my relationships with others. MS has taken control of so much of my life, and yet GOD has never given up on me or left me high and dry.

Since my diagnosis, I've had some pretty lonely moments.  Its times when you are at your loneliness that GOD works the best with you. Taking my lonely times and spending them with GOD and learning who I AM in Jesus Christ has been my saving grace. I'm able to see so much clearer now that I've accepted Christ as my savior. I'm able to do much more because I can do all things in Christ that strengthens me.  

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Dying Young

My biggest fear (and my children's, too, unfortunately) is my passing away from MS. I'd much rather it be from natural causes like old age (100 or so). When I go to lay down, I think of death and it makes me wake back up.

I love my family, friends, pets, etc. I used to not want to live, but now I have so much to live for. The anxiety that thoughts of death cause me is bad. I try to relax. I just don't want to leave anyone behind....

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2 Feet or Bust

"It might be a good idea to back off a bit when dealing with people who suffer from anxiety, according to a new study, because the disorder seems to affect the need for more personal space surrounding the body, also called "peripersonal space."

British researchers found that people with anxiety perceive threats as closer, compared with those who are not anxious. They said their findings could be used to link defensive behavior to levels of anxiety, particularly among those with risky jobs, such as firefighters and police officers.

In conducting the study, Dr. Chiara Sambo and Dr. Giandomenico Iannetti, from University College London, recruited 15 people ranging in age from 20 to 37 and gave them a test to rate their level of anxiety in certain situations.

In addition, the researchers applied an electrical stimulus to a nerve in each participants' hand, which caused them to blink. This hand-blink reflex, which is not controlled by the brain, was monitored as the participants held their hand at four different distances from their face: ranging from about 2 inches to nearly 2 feet. By measuring the strength of their reflex, the investigators determined how dangerous the participants viewed each stimulus.

The study, published in the Aug. 27 issue of theJournal of Neuroscience, revealed that those who scored higher on the anxiety test reacted more dramatically to stimuli about 8 inches from their face compared with those who had lower anxiety scores. People who reacted strongly to the stimuli farther away were classified as having a large "defensive peripersonal space," the study authors said.

Anxious people viewed threats as closer than those who were not anxious -- even if the perceived threats actually were the same distance away, the researchers said. Although the brain does not trigger defensive reactions, the study authors said, it could control their intensity.

"This finding is the first objective measure of the size of the area surrounding the face that each individual considers at high risk, and thus wants to protect through the most effective defensive motor responses," Iannetti said in a university news release.

-- Mary Elizabeth Dallas"

The hardest part of mental disorders are the quirky ways they make us feel. I have intense anxiety when anyone leaves personal items in my room. I've been working on it - immensely - but I'm still very much triggered when it still occurs.

Honestly, nobody should be placing their personal items in my room as storage, even temporarily. Not my children, not my girls. Its important to me to be able to look around and see memor of ME. And mostly its females i have the issue with. Is it a trust of intentions issue?/Perhaps, but that's mental, right? I'm aware. I once had an IQ of enormous amounts, which is why my psych says I'm "intelligent".  But intelligence or not, it still doesn't stop

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Misunderstandings lead to me feeling alone and misunderstood

Along with MS, I got Cognitive Dysfunction.  smh

Well, recently I got an email from a teacher and in my response,  I asked her for more clarification.  I can tell by the way that she responded she was being defensive. She doesn't know me, so I did advise her that I was an MS patient and I do learn things a little differently.  I asked her to bare with me while I asked for more clarification.  I feel like she thought I was pointing the finger at her, so I had to explain to her that all I wanted was to ensure that my child was not giving me excuses, I needed all the facts and details (because I'm not there in the classroom with him)- that is the only reason why I asked more probing questions.  I do that so I can fully comprehend, but people take it as if I'm interrogating them.  Thing is, if they are being honest, what does it matter?

I CONSTANTLY explain that I learn differently due to MS, and that I need more clarification. So this time, I was kinda hurt because the teacher didn't respond back to me.  And like most people, she may have gotten defensive.

I was told by a family member that perhaps I was the one being defensive.  I was shocked, and kind of insulted.  I mean...how can me asking questions equate to me being defensive.  Is that me being defensive or is that me seeking more clarification?  It's annoying that someone would assume that I'm defending my child when ALL I am trying to do is DISCUSS things????  True, I do defend my children a lot because I'm their mother and their protector, but obviously not ALWAYS and especially when I'm thinking my child may be not giving me all the info.

It hurts to always be misunderstood.  It hurts for others to assume what's going on without them trying to consider my side of things.  My memory is so short, and in order for me to comprehend things, it has to be drilled into my head.  I expect strangers to sometimes not understand me, but I'm trying so very hard to get my family members to understand my way of communication, too, so they won't get defensive so much and so we won't have ....misunderstandings.

I found this really great article about dealing with Cognitive Dysfunction (what I have with my MS) here http://ms.about.com/od/livingwellwithms/a/cognitive_tips.htm .
One suggestion they have is to control your environment and also control the way other's communicate with you.  I hope it helps someone else out there going through the same things.  I hurts so bad to be misunderstood, not to mention it messes with my mental.  Keep me in your prayers, please.  

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